Heeeyyyyy

​hello beautiful people 😊

Hope ya hanging in there. I’m trying my best but shit be shittin. Do yall like that? Got tired of using “life be lifing”, thought I’d switch it up lmao

Anyway, I’m learning tho. Yall know I love to learn hehe what have I learned thus far? Well… I’ll tell ya

1. The answer is within self- doesn’t matter the question

2. I like being myself

3. Water is essential 

4. I’m stronger than I thought…physically. Mental results pending lmao

5. Holding on to the old can limit your space to receive new.

6. Actions are telling, words are not.. this one’s been hard for me to grasp because I’m an anomaly - I say AND do. Some folks (.more than you realize) just say…and don’t do. They’re like the aliens from men in black tho…hidden amongst us doers til it’s time to…do lmao

7. I don’t mind following a leader who has trust in my integrity…otherwise, I’d rather lead myself 🤣 

8. I love being able to choose…freely

And yes…there’s more but I’m also learning that there’s always something better somewhere. Does my situation suck fr or am I not putting my full efforts into the process of change; the painful part of growing. Have you ever asked  whether you truly want better for yourself tho? That’s what determines what you receive from whatever higher provider you may believe in…

So this is me letting go and asking myself…do I really want better for me??

Duuuuhhhhh😜😊🤭

💚Deena

My Mosquito Has Prescription Lenses

​hey yall 🤗 

A month or so ago, I mentioned I had a blind mosquito hovering around me…my theory? This bug is unsure if I’m even uhh…edible? Haha you know what I’m sayin lmao

Anywho…

I think it got some glasses….or maaaaybe I did?

You ever have such a deep curiosity about something that you become less interested the more clarity you gain? 

Well, I don’t know how, but now the squito and I have fresh prescriptions and it feels like we’re seeing each other clearly finally. And this mf ain’t a mosquito at all…it’s a hybrid love bug🥴which explains the prolonged hovering lmao slight chance it’s a lightning bug but I’m positive now more than ever, it’s definitely not anything that looking to bite me…ever.

Silly, harmless bug…so cute and mysteriously clumsy - floating through my atmosphere…but for what tho? I’ll never squash it, even if I needed to. I like watching it live freely and somehow it feels like it likes to watch me live in the captivity of my unresolved insecurities lmfao lil toxic mf…that’s my assumption of course. I can’t confirm any of the bugs intentions at this moment. I could always inquire but would the answer be useful? And if so, how? Now what? I thought I was fluent in speaking to nature but turns out, i don’t speak bug, specifically and uhh…. Bugs don’t speak…AT ALL. or write😂🙂‍↔️😜🤭

I’m grateful to be where I am mentally…proud of my composure keeping ahhh considering the opportunity that’s been presented. A chance to explore the jungle, and I can’t. watching it watch me has been fascinating; the invigorating unknown of tomorrow. If it gets close enough for me to really see the species clearly, will it float away anyway? That’s what mosquitoes usually do, unless swatted. The mosquitoes who bite are also lady squitos so that’s interesting 🤔 Do love bugs usually float away or do they hang around? or…am I giving human qualities to something non-human lmao 

I hope the bug is the kind that hovers because it enjoys my company and enjoys the bug it can be around me…never worrying about getting crushed or swatted or repelled for buzzing or biting or hovering around my food. I love the outdoors 🥴 and I try to show my love with gifts to the universe but maybe the universe I speak of is so vast, my gifts and actions are…. Lost amongst all of the other gifts.

Maybe I’m being self centered and maybe truly loving the universe would be allowing myself to just keep walking through the forest and trust the bug will be ok, whether I check in or not. I would hate to keep walking tho and find another nice bug but it actually wants me and the buzz matches the bite type shit lmao…whole time, the bug Im daydreaming about wants to float freely. Freely around me, away from me, but never towards me, never with me… Never buzzes in my ear to tell me all that it’s survived thus far. I want my bug to bug me, dammit. Hehehe

And that’s the selfish part. What makes me think bugs don’t have standards and boundaries? And what makes me so sure that if there are standards for insects, that I meet or match the standard anyway…do I even want to?? the nerve of me to expect likeness based on my existence. Ehn…gimme break, wouldja! I’m just a human🤷🏾‍♀️haha

And dammit I’m ready to talk about something else…so sick of feeling invisible to this mf cuz I know you see me, mosquito…i hope I know?🥹🥲

Would feel better if I found out you never saw me at all, though. Relief that this one sided woo-woo has been all in my head…that would be a huge relief for me and I don’t know how I feel about that. 

Anyway, yea. Long story short, I hate bugs now. Even lady bugs. I’m stomping on anything with a thorax all year long. A big stomp, lifting my knee to my forehead to load up the cannon type shit. 

Are bugs bugging you? Sounds like a job fooooorrr Deena aka The Raid Parade 🦟

🤣 k, Love ya 🫶🏾

Byyyeeee😁

I wish I had the words to say…

​I wish I had the words to say…but I also wonder if I don’t have the words because I’m not supposed to. 

It’s a curious feeling I have…day in and out, usually all day in random waves of cloudy daydreams...so sad and distracting. I dread the thoughts but welcome them with the same passion lmao. In between my mandatory thoughts and routines or occasional online shopping, boom! There it goes... What are you up to? How are you doing, really? And why is that? Who made you feel that way? Can I apologize…should I? Should you? lol I don’t think you should or what for. I think we’re just humans and life has been consistently interesting and unpredictable. I think that’s what I think. That’s what I think out loud. Inside, it may very well be driving me crazy. Driving me crazy is a bit dramatic...Driving the speed limit of course and crazy but not insane...lil light cute type crazy, nothing too serious...but also something very deep at the same time 👽. 

I genuinely only think about those feelings when...actually, maybe this isn’t a safe place to be see-thru anymore but I wish I had the words to say what’s on my heart. I think more importantly, I wish I knew for sure my words would be received and welcomed and…reciprocated? Not sure if I want or need them reciprocated actually. I just want to be clear and then move forward from there and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or feel overwhelmed or...pressured? I don't want anything from them lol but I want it all though? haha ionno It's not even about them maybe. Maybe it's bigger than them and them is all I see because I haven't learned the lesson bestowed upon me yet...Still haven't evolved past my shallow earthly ways or sumn like that lol so dramaaatic oh my gooooosshhhhh haha...but yea, that's potentially a part of the problem too...I'm experiencing this all by myself and they're just obliviously enjoying their life, like I should be doing lmao

I'm enjoying learning about who I am. The rebuild after seperation can easily turn into growing to be a "better me" for the next chapter(s) of my story but I feel like something is buzzing around like a mosquito. It's always been there but for a while now I was busy swatting a yellow jacket...much more aggressive and relentless. aka its giving urgency lmao but now I'm here in the wild "outside" and what's this? A Mosquito, watching me swat for my life, impressed with my technique and intrigued if he could manage to survive my lethal swat-swinging dance...or even maybe persuade me to enjoy the light soothing hum of a flying wing-bearing bug of his caliber...something as fly as himself. Ew, already doing it again: Romanticizing the torturous valley of love. I blame Disney but, I digress.

As a Floridian, I wanna swat it and keep on moving but this mosquito is different. It knows me? Very illusive and intentional. It never bites me to take any blood either, weird, right? Just comes around, buzzes for a bit, then leaves...returns to hover every-so-often...In the way that makes you wonder, is this even a mosquito 🤔or is it my grandma using a mosquito as a vessel to tell me something from the other side...or am I the only one who thinks that's possible? lmao anyyyway when the mosquito starts buzzing around, I freeze in awe like it's a unicorn-mosquito hybrid with glitter pouring from its ass. Like witnessing a double rainbow in the middle of the Sahara Desert with no water or precipitation in sight... I mean, I find myself sometimes - drool pooling, bottom jaw slowly dropping further and further until it's gently, gracefully landing on the floor. The sight of this damn mosquito is truly mesmerizing...and I hate 'squitos from the depths of my immune system. This one though? I'm cautious even letting anyone know this mf exists! It's an endangered strand for sure because no other mosquito has ever landed on my glasses and rendered me embarrassingly frozen. I even think if it were to ever bite me, I'd revel at the shape of my bite as the skin raised and find a great satisfaction in scratching the itch. Might even ask for a matching bite on the other arm...I disgust myself with my dedication to this bug. A million other bugs out here and this one is just...different on the surface but in my heart i know if i catch the bug and analyze it a little closer without the fear of getting bit, I'll learn he's the same as any other regular mosquito probably. Ya gotta see this one, though really. A fine specimen but still, a specimen. Oh, what was that? Yes, it is exasperating, thanks for asking. But like I was saying, I don't know how to show you through imagery alone; this mosquito is like an imaginary friend, but technically, they're actually real but just not really here...as a mosquito? ughhh...i don't fucking know how to describe this aching confusion, guys...

But I do want closure. Heavy on that part. What's closing thooo? Hmm...I don't want closure...because then its closed lmao. I don't know what I want. Is that a woman- thing, a millennial thing, or a Me-ting? Me-ting lmao meeting.... a meeting of who I am and who I want to be. Deep ahhh can't even truly ruminate in heartache without getting distracted - stuck trying to solve the monochromatic rubix cube of a life that I'm spinning and turning through. Exhausting but I've grown to enjoy the foggy unknown of solving this puzzle. 

I spent an embarrassingly unusual amount of time trying to "figure it out" but after realizing the confusion is not me, I stopped trying to solve it and now i just observe it. Observing is arguably much more enjoyable but still, equally as torturous. 

I've been trying to occupy my mind with all of the creative ideas I have. This is unusual because I normally start things that i never finish. Whether they dont develop a return as quickly as I intended or another idea comes along, I developed a habit of not finishing. Fearing the critique portion of creation helped me freeze and pivot too but now, I have a new driving force. I've somehow convinced myself that my efforts in creative spaces are my health attempts to outgrowing the illusion of guilt I feel when I'm prioritizing my dreams over...someone/thing else...that's been a thing for me, too. 

I don't feel any of that anymore, but I thought those fears were connected to the uhh...mosquito - long story short lmao. I'm realizing the fears were connected to ME ONLY. So naturally I'm left thinking...ok so wtf is up with this mosquito then? Where's the lesson...will it hurt or heal me? Do I wanna know? Maybe the mosquito needs corrective lenses and it's hovering over the wrong gal...and he knows it too but can't tell for sure so he just hovers and squints, uncertain of his accuracy so he just pokes a lil but never draws blood out of fear that I'm not the right target...because well, he needs glasses. the thick, strong bi-focal mfs lmao

My little blind mosquito...so cute right? an insect with special needs. damn, this is what you've been reduced to in my world and I still can't let go. Over here like...hmmm I kinda like mosquitos sometimes lmfao. Shaaammmeeeeeful haha

K, done venting for today. Love yall! 💚

In case you’re reading…

​Talking to myself today and I said something I want to remember…

“I don’t like liking someone and being unsure if I’m being wasteful, hopeful, or patient.”

This is my reminder that sometimes it’s time to let go. 

It’s not sad or anything…just kinda empty feeling. Like I poured it all and when there was nothing left to pour, I make more to pour. I’m kinda irritated with that habit of mine and I often wonder if I were to deliberately discover the root of this coping behavior, would I even fix it? Would my empathy bone allow me to overcome the urge to check if you’re ok? Is it something i did? Can I offer an apology? Would that fix it or… Or is is it…is it something about who I naturally am? Which part of me is it? Could I change that? Let me know and I can adjust, I can adjust forever. I’m resilient in the most self deprecating way known to man and why? You tell me what parts of me you don’t like anymore and strongly suggest I should work on that…but I liked that part, I thought it kinda made me different and that was cool but change to continue to receive what I’m naturally giving?yea I can do that but….SHOULD I🫣 Cuz now do u like me orrrr you like x,y,z about me. Conditional liking…common but not my cup of tea but it could be? Agghh there I go again but really I just wanna know “Do I want you to like me?” And then Why…what is it about exhibit A that makes me crave its admiration, recognition, love…not even romance just be a friend but not like matching outfit friends…but just acceptance and safety in clarity. Clarity of whaaatt thooo? Exactly…if it’s not clear then maybe it actually issss clear…just not what I want to see or maybe how I want to see. I just want freedom of soul and self while still being able to bond and connect wholesome with another human. I think that’s what I’m seeking but maybe once I find the actually thing I’m seeing it’ll be less abstract and more specific to what’s meant FOR ME…is freedom equal to loneliness for me? Have I ever felt to be truly free in a mature enough mindset to recognize that’s what I even tf had???

Right, see? I stopped writing online because I want to make sure I’m placing my energy in the correct places where they can be understood, respected, heard? 

My energy felt kinda exposed here which is odd because writing in the way that I do is…exposing lmao but it’s really for relating and helping others who may be surfing in the waves of life as I…falling, splashing, gulping for air but swallowing gallons of the wrong element, ejecting it, finding my board floating calmly…attached to my ankle by the greatest Velcro…gods Velcro aka peace lmao why is Velcro auto corrected to start with a capital letter but god is not… interesting but not enough for me to jump in the hole.

I started touching grass with intention and my creativity is pouring, my reality is shifting in my favor…

I’ll miss you…and love you from a distance but I must make this my final ounce of me that I freely give to you🫶🏾

Love always,

Deena

And Suddenly...

 I went to the library the other day. I take the kids every week but this day, i decided to venture beyond the kid's section and explore the adult books.

I checked out maybe 4...cant remember but I grabbed damn near every book i saw lol

Now that I have the books....i must read them. They're interestingly designed so I'm hopeful for a needle in the haystack. At least one will be memorable and exciting. It's tough to find time. When Im at work, I'm truly working and when Im at lunch, I'm vlogging or...eating haha and at night...instead of scrolling and yapping, I should read. At least an hour, i tell myself. Hoping to stay trapped in the pages longer than 60 minutes but I know I'll make progress quickly by doing an hr a day. Maybe in the morning is best?

I also want to rap more. I pay 3.99 to have access to this cool recording app and I dont even be on there enough. i have to reframe my perspective to truly maximize the day. I need to prioritize the time to rap, read, work, shit, sleep, and eat...easy, right?

The First Quarter

 Hello beautiful people!!! I have returned haha

My job has been working me day n night like a Jackson but...Still, I Riseeeeee bayyybeeeee lol

Life has been looking up. I'm at peace, my home is happy and healthy, I'm regulating my new dynamics. 

I haven't written much in here necessarily but I'm writing for sure...believe you me haha.

I have been posting on my channel like a mad woman though, and I'm just getting started. I want to be super-efficient with my video editing, but I have solution for that, I think. I'm going to get an iPhone. I'm afraid that's the only way I could elevate my shit right now lmao. That's what i'm telling myself to justify this purchase. But really, all my friends are iphoners and they facetime without me...even my kids have iphones lmao think that's where i truly drew the line.

I want a pen pal so badly. Did yall ever do that back in the day? Write letters to another school and they'd write back...at the end of the school year, we'd have a field trip where we got to meet out pen pals...best memories were looking at how another child wrote the letter "D" lol that tickled me. I even would adopt their handwriting for my letter back to them. One pen pal I had in the 4th grade, Katie, I told her a story about how my little brother got attacked by a cat and I couldn't stop laughing while I watched. I told her I felt so disappointed in myself that I couldn't fight the tears of my laughter long enough to help him. He got scratched up pretty good but what a good story. She sent me back a story about how her brother eats her barbie shoes...long story short, she ain't even have a brother. I was pissed when I found out...like I had revealed some sort of sacred Big Sister lore to an imposter. My heart was crushed so i threw all her letters away on or way back to the bus. I regret throwing them away. It would've been cool to reflect on what I thought was important as a 4th grader, but yea...fuck her lmao

I'd love a pen pal as an adult but not one who's incarcerated. Not discriminatory reasons necessarily but more of an alignment conflict. My intentions are to probably never exchange anything beyond the gift of handwriting and story sharing...I don't want to meet your mother or call your homeboy's niece on 3 way to hear a new mixtape they recorded in the toilet last Thursday. Strictly a pal with the pen.

Of course, if it progresses into a friendship...or palship? that would be cool but I just wanna write and I want someone else to read it who doesn't know me and wont judge me. Kinda like what I do on here, but I know there's a receiver of my expression lol. Which makes me question, if I'm expressing, does it need to be received? or do I express to release? I think sometimes I'm a messenger, but most times I'm just releasing some shit haha. Creative energy with no true form or direction....YET.

how have yall been? I also want to get my finances in order. I've been out here floating but I'm tryna coat...cruise...relax and tap. not check my balance and move this over there and that over here in the line before I get to the register or as they ring up my total. I just wanna be more in control and organized.

I'm just realizing the power I have to mold and create my future from this point forward. I'm a little nervous but like in a great way...ehn...i think haha

anyway, thanks for reading and let me know if you wanna be my penpal. real inquiries only

You can miss me with the mf shenanigans, my nigga. 😁

🍀Deena

2025

 I see no one is actively reading this blog and that's fine by me lmao

This year wasn't a nightmare necessarily, but definitely sort of a fever dream. For starters, I sat under the table a year ago with all varieties of the color of drawls I owned, I ate 12 dark red grapes and manifested a more consistent, intentional version of myself.

All of the things fell into place, even if I wasn't ready lol

First, I swallowed my fear of social media. I know, I'm not shy in real life but online...ionno what it is lmao In person, I'm confident that my actions and words aren't really open for interpretation because I'm very clear and straight forward...online, there's room for unsolicited opinions and misinterpretations and...it makes me nervous to be understood. I learned that my fear of being misunderstood came from being in an environment where it wasn't ok for me to be wrong, have a different opinion, have my own perspective, express myself creatively...Once I realized the fear was all in my head and not real, life really took off for me.

I built friendships with people who I was nervous to welcome into my life...including some coworkers haha. I was offered opportunities that I didn't see coming...President of my public speaking club, a promotion at work...twice in one year. I also rebuilt some old friendships, and quietly let some go.

I try not to be messy...because the only mess i'll tolerate is in my laundry room haha Long story short though, I had to spread my wings and fly to a new nest. My old nest was falling apart and as fast as I tried to replace sticks and debris when they fell, my efforts alone couldn't repair the broken nest. Got my eggs and found a new tree, a fresh nest, with fresh energy and I'm so excited to be myself and be openly happy without it upsetting my home. 

lawddddd have mercy lmao

SO yes, I am in the process of finding myself solo. 

I like it so far, I feel safe, supported, peaceful, happy, creative, free...I feel great. I also have to consider my children and their feelings. Thus far, they're mirroring my happiness. If it's performative to please me or if they're genuinely relieved, I'm not 1000% sure but I hope they know it's safe to not be ok. I try to encourage them to express their feelings with honesty and integrity, even if it may upset others. Whether our feelings upset someone else or not is not our responsibility. It's our responsibility to set and respect our boundaries that create healthy relationship dynamics that support growth and safety. Period.

But anyway, I posted frequently on here and on my youtube. I'm so proud of myself for being consistent, even when I didn't feel like being vulnerable or creative or open...this is the most creatively productive year I've had in my entire life haha crazy but a great feeling for sure. 

And overall...I found my voice. I think writing played a huge role in that. I learned that I don't need to prove myself in order to be liked, loved, chosen, accepted...I can be myself and that's ok. I'm not intentionally harming anyone, just tryna enjoy life, experience creating memories with family and friends, and not wanting to argue about having a thought or opinion or desire to try something new. I don't need to argue to enjoy karaoke or dancing or a girl's night. I don't need to justify why I need a break from being a caretaker to enjoy being Deena. I don't need to convince anyone I'm worthy of respect, communication, consideration, even love. I've grown to hold enough love for myself where the opinions of others dont really scare me like they used to. I get nervous of course lol but that doesn't stop me from being myself in every room I enter. Most importantly, I'm not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own. I'm not responsible for proving myself to anyone but myself. I am an adult and cannot be punished for being myself in order to make someone else feel good about being themselves. Fuck that shit fr. I'm too massive of an energy to be bartered with about who I can and cannot be...or what parts of me are accepted. I'll be ok. 

Life goes on and gets better. Trusting myself and showing up with my morals and boundaries is all I have and sometimes, all I need lol. So fuck all the dumb shit and hello 2026. We made ittttttt 🥰💚

Working is cool I suppose...

 I'm trying to remain grateful at all times. My job is whoopipn my ass though. I do quite a bit...or at least I'm expected to do more than I'm mentally capable of handling right now maybe?

My personal life isn't a shit show anymore but it's had some adjustments that I'm trying to conceal from my work-world but they're bleeding together like red box dye on a hotel pillow case. Slightly discolored, like you can tell something is amuck. 

The holiday season is approaching so quickly and I'm in a position where every penny counts, every drop of gas is planned type shit lmao. Not that I'm tight on cash but I don't wanna be. 

I'm also trying to balance my uhh...what do you call that in English 🤔ah! my emotions. Yes, those. They exist but I've been ignoring them for a while now. Mostly for survival purposes but now that it's ok and safe to acknowledge them, i don't know how to do that...gently. I don't like to cry, nor do I ever really have space and opportunity to let it out like I probly need to. Which makes me think, ehn...I'm straight haha. And I am...but I want to get to a place where I dont need human companionship to feel fulfilled. I want to truly be comfortable and at peace with myself. I think once I do that, I'll attract like-minded people. 

Recent events have made me realize I shut down when my life gets crazy but i need to. I don't like people reminding me of the shit I'm crawling through. As soon as I get up from my army crawl, the last thing I need is a mf to point at me and say hey, you know you have shit on your uhh...your shirt? Like yes mf, I smell it but let's talk about something else? Please? 

I also realize people expressing pity or empathy or help, irks me. Makes me feel weak lmao. So crazy to me because I'm a helper. It's not that I don't like help, I don't like the responsibility of telling people how/why i need help. I always feel like, ehn nahh...cuz now I gotta tell you what's going on...get back down on my belly and crawl backwards through the shit and then forwards...and then "OMG! Are you okay?😢" Like uhh...yes, i would've included that in my spiel if I wasn't ya know? Like "and now I'm not okay" type shit lol. Yea I'm fine, no I don't want company, I'm over stimulated af. This is my first time living alone in a while...a very long while. I have no furniture yet so what you finna come sit on my blow up mattress while we trauma dump and drink wine? Sounds nice in theory if this was a Disney or lifetime movie but in real life like, ew no. Let me get my shit together. Where's the consideration?? Don't you understand what I've just gotten out of? AAGGGHHHHH!!

But no, they don't understand lmao I have to consider that people care about me and they're not being inconsiderate, they just really have no clue how I'm feeling because I'm presenting as happy...like all is well 🥲 Most people are like oh wow, you're handling this so well. No tf I'm not nigga lmao NOTFIMNOT haha. 

I mean, technically, I am. Head up with my chest out, always. But inside...gyaatttdayum. Just a lil lonely fr. Been that way all year to be honest. I feel less lonely now that I'm alone but...ionno how to explain it. I feel like maybe my socializing is superficial. The people that I connect deeply with, I don't want to burden them with my non-happy feelings. I know I have people around me who would listen, gladly. They'd encourage me to talk to them matter of fact...but ew. No, this is MY trauma dammit. I'm not sharing lol

Plus I've lived such a private life, fronting on the outside and whatnot, for a very long time...married life is quite the secret society. Now that I have the freedom to speak and be myself, I'm terrified. I'm outgoing, yes but I don't mean it for real lmao. My goal is to earn an Oscar one day for the way I fineness my presentation skills. It's all a show though. I need to just lock in and find something purposeful again. Writing today is helpful...this feels good.

Also, I had a fear that I was being watched and monitored by the opps lmao. I know, I know...sounds crazy but yall dont even know the half of what I escaped from. Generational levels of manipulative behaviors...Fortunately, I was raised to never be afraid of being honest. The truth can't be judged or clowned because it is what it is...Not only do I stand on business nigga, I AM the business haha

No but seriously, I need to adjust to being myself without being nervous about upsetting others with who I am...that's been like what i imagine PTSD is like? But at the same time, it could've been worse so I dont want to dramatize my situation or overexaggerate. Disrupted my peace and my spirit in ways I've never experienced though, I'll say that. 

Also, work.

SO one of my new pet peeves, discovered this year...I don't like when people set up a meeting with me and say "It should only be 10 minutes but i booked an hour just in case" Nigga JUST IN CASE WHAT? WTF is gonna extend this 10m minute meeting to an hour. Because why even tell me that. That's torturous....like no, you just wanna talk and shit. I don't have time. If it's gonna take 10 minutes, book it for 10 minutes. Period. You're eating up my calendar with maybe an extra 50 minutes?? lmao wtf is wrong with you?? Book it for an hour and leave it or book it for 10. Don't tell me...because now, after 10 minutes (or so) if I understand or have retained all of the information I need, I'm out. you can discuss the rest of the 50 minutes amongst yourself. Yes singular lmao. Talk to yourself for 50 minutes since you have wiggle room over there. I know this may sound...ya know what? no. It sounds like a boundary actually, and I'm not apologizing for setting a boundary lmao. Sorry, I don't want to waste paid time with you. That should be respected. I'm not gangsta enough to send the meeting request back with a suggested edit though. I haven't reached that level of respect for myself lmao 

If you don't write or talk to yourself, you should. You see what I just discovered about myself? I don't respect myself enough to set a boundary and stick with it firmly...yet. Writing and talking and reflecting with myself always just produces more nutritious fruit for me than when I vent to others. It's cool to get affirmations on your feelings, yes. But where I am, I already know whatever I'm feeling is valid becasue I know my boundaries. I dont need to share my pain to get someone to hype me up, make me feel better, or let me know I'm not crazy. I do that for myself lol. Talking to others openly, the way I like to do on here or when I'm alone feels like I'm complaining or nagging. Very much giving counterproductive. 

When I find myself talking about something I consider a "problem" or "recurring stress" of mine, I get annoyed with the fact that I haven't adjusted my life yet to where I can stop talking about whatever that thing is. For example, I used to be late for work every. single. day. Not traffic related, just scrolling or not feeling motivated to get the day started. I was more irritated with the feeling of frustration that I was the cause of my tardiness than the heavy traffic, my coworkers' passive aggressive cliche "Look who decided to show up" type shit...and yes, that was aggravating too lol but I couldn't deny the fact - I welcomed all those conditions and circumstances for myself with my regular groggy morning habits. I told myself one day:

Self: Damn, Deena - you like that shit huh? Swerving and hearing those lil slick ass comments...you like that?" 

Deena: No, of course not

Self: ...ok well, don't let it happen, duuhhh  

And then I've never, if so...rarely, was ever late again. 

and that's what i need to do now...i also have that 10 minute, maybe an hour meeting to get to lmao. Might be late on purpose since homegirl has 50 minutes to throw away...kidding. I wouldn't do that...unfortunately lmao.

K, hope this helped. someone, somehow...

Thanks, byyyyyyeeee 😁

10-10-10 Worksheet

 Saw this on Instagram...so I figured, what the helly? I'll give it a go. Plus, I'm having a writer's block today and needed someone else to give me a prompt to distract me from rambling about my recent unusual cosmic misfortunes...

The 10-10-10 Worksheet is supposed to reset your energy into a positive direction. I'm feeling like blah today but Imma try because these are the days that count.

Okey Dokey...First, you'll get a sheet of paper...or virtual paper of course is acceptable 😁 ...

You'll create 3 lists of 10. The first list is the top 10 most exciting desires you have, the second is the top 10 things your most grateful for and the last list is the top 10 things you love to do so...

Top 10 Things I Desire

1. To live in a different state

2. Travel more (not sure if I like it yet fr so this could go either way 🤷🏾‍♀️)

3. Prioritize myself

4. To motivate or inspire others to be the best version of themselves.

5. To be the best version of myself (which means to be at peace with who I am in every space, in every crowd)

6. Financial freedom

7. A stronger bond with my siblings

8. Healthy friendships that promote growth and positivity

9. Healthy companionship...? I think lmao ionno fr

10. To accomplish my goals and continue to challenge myself 

Top 10 Things I'm Most grateful For

1. My life

2. My children

3. My sanity

4. Jerk Chicken, stewed cabbage, rice and peas, plantains. lawdamErcy

5. My loved ones (friends and family)

6. My career

7. My mobility/health

8. Burger King, duh

9. People skills

10. Confidence/ the urge/ self-motivation to continue to grow

Ten Things I love To Do

1. Eat food...especially new foods from different cultures 😜 

2. Laugh

3. I love board games/card games/game nights. I'm a beast...and a winner...lmao 😈

4. Try new activities...hiking, kayaking, skydiving, etc

5. Meet new people

6. Creative expression (dance, sing, rap, write, draw, vlog, doing hair, all dat etc)

7. Talking/Listening

8. Self care...new for me but um..bada-ba-ba-baaah, I'm lovin it type shi

9. Learning about how/why things work/don't work. This could be anything really, but I tend to get the most excited when I learn about myself and how I fare in social settings with/compared to others lol I lowkey have a lil psych degree for the free lmao

10. I love being a Momma 🥰I love supporting my children's dreams and goals and interests. Empowering kids to overcome obstacles that they initially perceive as a deterrent to a dream is really a rewarding feeling that can't be put into words. Love it. So I guess I can put I love coaching tball too. I enjoy being the voice I didn't hear when I was growing up...yea it's deep like that, huh? haha

Youtube is Poppiinnnnnn

 So I have learned to believe in the power of scheduled posting. What a game changer! 

I know, I sound like I'm the exact age that I am lmao.

Instead of working on multiple videos at once, I chose a day, usually Sunday, to unplug and thug through editing as many videos as I can. Then I upload them, clear my memory and set them to post, 1 per day depending on how many I'm able to get through. It's been so much fun. Especially while I wait for my laundry...Instead of binge-watching crime documentaries and scrolling, I'm editing. Like I get paid to do that shit haha. Because I do! I get paid in creative release endorphins...or whatever. dopamine? ionno what it is but i feel better when I crop it, post it, delete it from my phone haha. sooo satisfying. I'm trying to outpost myself. I'm winning mwahahahaa

If you have some down time, this is my most recent upload. Nothing of true substance that will change your perspective of human existence but...it's entertaining to some lol

AND I appreciate the support, I'm all about positive vibes and just thuggin shit out. Healthy? ionno...but it's been working for me. Making the best out of whatever ya know? 

💚deena