I wish I had the words to say…

​I wish I had the words to say…but I also wonder if I don’t have the words because I’m not supposed to. 

It’s a curious feeling I have…day in and out, usually all day in random waves of cloudy daydreams...so sad and distracting. I dread the thoughts but welcome them with the same passion lmao. In between my mandatory thoughts and routines or occasional online shopping, boom! There it goes... What are you up to? How are you doing, really? And why is that? Who made you feel that way? Can I apologize…should I? Should you? lol I don’t think you should or what for. I think we’re just humans and life has been consistently interesting and unpredictable. I think that’s what I think. That’s what I think out loud. Inside, it may very well be driving me crazy. Driving me crazy is a bit dramatic...Driving the speed limit of course and crazy but not insane...lil light cute type crazy, nothing too serious...but also something very deep at the same time 👽. 

I genuinely only think about those feelings when...actually, maybe this isn’t a safe place to be see-thru anymore but I wish I had the words to say what’s on my heart. I think more importantly, I wish I knew for sure my words would be received and welcomed and…reciprocated? Not sure if I want or need them reciprocated actually. I just want to be clear and then move forward from there and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or feel overwhelmed or...pressured? I don't want anything from them lol but I want it all though? haha ionno It's not even about them maybe. Maybe it's bigger than them and them is all I see because I haven't learned the lesson bestowed upon me yet...Still haven't evolved past my shallow earthly ways or sumn like that lol so dramaaatic oh my gooooosshhhhh haha...but yea, that's potentially a part of the problem too...I'm experiencing this all by myself and they're just obliviously enjoying their life, like I should be doing lmao

I'm enjoying learning about who I am. The rebuild after seperation can easily turn into growing to be a "better me" for the next chapter(s) of my story but I feel like something is buzzing around like a mosquito. It's always been there but for a while now I was busy swatting a yellow jacket...much more aggressive and relentless. aka its giving urgency lmao but now I'm here in the wild "outside" and what's this? A Mosquito, watching me swat for my life, impressed with my technique and intrigued if he could manage to survive my lethal swat-swinging dance...or even maybe persuade me to enjoy the light soothing hum of a flying wing-bearing bug of his caliber...something as fly as himself. Ew, already doing it again: Romanticizing the torturous valley of love. I blame Disney but, I digress.

As a Floridian, I wanna swat it and keep on moving but this mosquito is different. It knows me? Very illusive and intentional. It never bites me to take any blood either, weird, right? Just comes around, buzzes for a bit, then leaves...returns to hover every-so-often...In the way that makes you wonder, is this even a mosquito 🤔or is it my grandma using a mosquito as a vessel to tell me something from the other side...or am I the only one who thinks that's possible? lmao anyyyway when the mosquito starts buzzing around, I freeze in awe like it's a unicorn-mosquito hybrid with glitter pouring from its ass. Like witnessing a double rainbow in the middle of the Sahara Desert with no water or precipitation in sight... I mean, I find myself sometimes - drool pooling, bottom jaw slowly dropping further and further until it's gently, gracefully landing on the floor. The sight of this damn mosquito is truly mesmerizing...and I hate 'squitos from the depths of my immune system. This one though? I'm cautious even letting anyone know this mf exists! It's an endangered strand for sure because no other mosquito has ever landed on my glasses and rendered me embarrassingly frozen. I even think if it were to ever bite me, I'd revel at the shape of my bite as the skin raised and find a great satisfaction in scratching the itch. Might even ask for a matching bite on the other arm...I disgust myself with my dedication to this bug. A million other bugs out here and this one is just...different on the surface but in my heart i know if i catch the bug and analyze it a little closer without the fear of getting bit, I'll learn he's the same as any other regular mosquito probably. Ya gotta see this one, though really. A fine specimen but still, a specimen. Oh, what was that? Yes, it is exasperating, thanks for asking. But like I was saying, I don't know how to show you through imagery alone; this mosquito is like an imaginary friend, but technically, they're actually real but just not really here...as a mosquito? ughhh...i don't fucking know how to describe this aching confusion, guys...

But I do want closure. Heavy on that part. What's closing thooo? Hmm...I don't want closure...because then its closed lmao. I don't know what I want. Is that a woman- thing, a millennial thing, or a Me-ting? Me-ting lmao meeting.... a meeting of who I am and who I want to be. Deep ahhh can't even truly ruminate in heartache without getting distracted - stuck trying to solve the monochromatic rubix cube of a life that I'm spinning and turning through. Exhausting but I've grown to enjoy the foggy unknown of solving this puzzle. 

I spent an embarrassingly unusual amount of time trying to "figure it out" but after realizing the confusion is not me, I stopped trying to solve it and now i just observe it. Observing is arguably much more enjoyable but still, equally as torturous. 

I've been trying to occupy my mind with all of the creative ideas I have. This is unusual because I normally start things that i never finish. Whether they dont develop a return as quickly as I intended or another idea comes along, I developed a habit of not finishing. Fearing the critique portion of creation helped me freeze and pivot too but now, I have a new driving force. I've somehow convinced myself that my efforts in creative spaces are my health attempts to outgrowing the illusion of guilt I feel when I'm prioritizing my dreams over...someone/thing else...that's been a thing for me, too. 

I don't feel any of that anymore, but I thought those fears were connected to the uhh...mosquito - long story short lmao. I'm realizing the fears were connected to ME ONLY. So naturally I'm left thinking...ok so wtf is up with this mosquito then? Where's the lesson...will it hurt or heal me? Do I wanna know? Maybe the mosquito needs corrective lenses and it's hovering over the wrong gal...and he knows it too but can't tell for sure so he just hovers and squints, uncertain of his accuracy so he just pokes a lil but never draws blood out of fear that I'm not the right target...because well, he needs glasses. the thick, strong bi-focal mfs lmao

My little blind mosquito...so cute right? an insect with special needs. damn, this is what you've been reduced to in my world and I still can't let go. Over here like...hmmm I kinda like mosquitos sometimes lmfao. Shaaammmeeeeeful haha

K, done venting for today. Love yall! 💚