Talking to myself today and I said something I want to remember…
“I don’t like liking someone and being unsure if I’m being wasteful, hopeful, or patient.”
This is my reminder that sometimes it’s time to let go.
It’s not sad or anything…just kinda empty feeling. Like I poured it all and when there was nothing left to pour, I make more to pour. I’m kinda irritated with that habit of mine and I often wonder if I were to deliberately discover the root of this coping behavior, would I even fix it? Would my empathy bone allow me to overcome the urge to check if you’re ok? Is it something i did? Can I offer an apology? Would that fix it or… Or is is it…is it something about who I naturally am? Which part of me is it? Could I change that? Let me know and I can adjust, I can adjust forever. I’m resilient in the most self deprecating way known to man and why? You tell me what parts of me you don’t like anymore and strongly suggest I should work on that…but I liked that part, I thought it kinda made me different and that was cool but change to continue to receive what I’m naturally giving?yea I can do that but….SHOULD I🫣 Cuz now do u like me orrrr you like x,y,z about me. Conditional liking…common but not my cup of tea but it could be? Agghh there I go again but really I just wanna know “Do I want you to like me?” And then Why…what is it about exhibit A that makes me crave its admiration, recognition, love…not even romance just be a friend but not like matching outfit friends…but just acceptance and safety in clarity. Clarity of whaaatt thooo? Exactly…if it’s not clear then maybe it actually issss clear…just not what I want to see or maybe how I want to see. I just want freedom of soul and self while still being able to bond and connect wholesome with another human. I think that’s what I’m seeking but maybe once I find the actually thing I’m seeing it’ll be less abstract and more specific to what’s meant FOR ME…is freedom equal to loneliness for me? Have I ever felt to be truly free in a mature enough mindset to recognize that’s what I even tf had???
Right, see? I stopped writing online because I want to make sure I’m placing my energy in the correct places where they can be understood, respected, heard?
My energy felt kinda exposed here which is odd because writing in the way that I do is…exposing lmao but it’s really for relating and helping others who may be surfing in the waves of life as I…falling, splashing, gulping for air but swallowing gallons of the wrong element, ejecting it, finding my board floating calmly…attached to my ankle by the greatest Velcro…gods Velcro aka peace lmao why is Velcro auto corrected to start with a capital letter but god is not… interesting but not enough for me to jump in the hole.
I started touching grass with intention and my creativity is pouring, my reality is shifting in my favor…
I’ll miss you…and love you from a distance but I must make this my final ounce of me that I freely give to you🫶🏾
Love always,
Deena
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