2025

 I see no one is actively reading this blog and that's fine by me lmao

This year wasn't a nightmare necessarily, but definitely sort of a fever dream. For starters, I sat under the table a year ago with all varieties of the color of drawls I owned, I ate 12 dark red grapes and manifested a more consistent, intentional version of myself.

All of the things fell into place, even if I wasn't ready lol

First, I swallowed my fear of social media. I know, I'm not shy in real life but online...ionno what it is lmao In person, I'm confident that my actions and words aren't really open for interpretation because I'm very clear and straight forward...online, there's room for unsolicited opinions and misinterpretations and...it makes me nervous to be understood. I learned that my fear of being misunderstood came from being in an environment where it wasn't ok for me to be wrong, have a different opinion, have my own perspective, express myself creatively...Once I realized the fear was all in my head and not real, life really took off for me.

I built friendships with people who I was nervous to welcome into my life...including some coworkers haha. I was offered opportunities that I didn't see coming...President of my public speaking club, a promotion at work...twice in one year. I also rebuilt some old friendships, and quietly let some go.

I try not to be messy...because the only mess i'll tolerate is in my laundry room haha Long story short though, I had to spread my wings and fly to a new nest. My old nest was falling apart and as fast as I tried to replace sticks and debris when they fell, my efforts alone couldn't repair the broken nest. Got my eggs and found a new tree, a fresh nest, with fresh energy and I'm so excited to be myself and be openly happy without it upsetting my home. 

lawddddd have mercy lmao

SO yes, I am in the process of finding myself solo. 

I like it so far, I feel safe, supported, peaceful, happy, creative, free...I feel great. I also have to consider my children and their feelings. Thus far, they're mirroring my happiness. If it's performative to please me or if they're genuinely relieved, I'm not 1000% sure but I hope they know it's safe to not be ok. I try to encourage them to express their feelings with honesty and integrity, even if it may upset others. Whether our feelings upset someone else or not is not our responsibility. It's our responsibility to set and respect our boundaries that create healthy relationship dynamics that support growth and safety. Period.

But anyway, I posted frequently on here and on my youtube. I'm so proud of myself for being consistent, even when I didn't feel like being vulnerable or creative or open...this is the most creatively productive year I've had in my entire life haha crazy but a great feeling for sure. 

And overall...I found my voice. I think writing played a huge role in that. I learned that I don't need to prove myself in order to be liked, loved, chosen, accepted...I can be myself and that's ok. I'm not intentionally harming anyone, just tryna enjoy life, experience creating memories with family and friends, and not wanting to argue about having a thought or opinion or desire to try something new. I don't need to argue to enjoy karaoke or dancing or a girl's night. I don't need to justify why I need a break from being a caretaker to enjoy being Deena. I don't need to convince anyone I'm worthy of respect, communication, consideration, even love. I've grown to hold enough love for myself where the opinions of others dont really scare me like they used to. I get nervous of course lol but that doesn't stop me from being myself in every room I enter. Most importantly, I'm not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own. I'm not responsible for proving myself to anyone but myself. I am an adult and cannot be punished for being myself in order to make someone else feel good about being themselves. Fuck that shit fr. I'm too massive of an energy to be bartered with about who I can and cannot be...or what parts of me are accepted. I'll be ok. 

Life goes on and gets better. Trusting myself and showing up with my morals and boundaries is all I have and sometimes, all I need lol. So fuck all the dumb shit and hello 2026. We made ittttttt 🥰💚