I'm trying to remain grateful at all times. My job is whoopipn my ass though. I do quite a bit...or at least I'm expected to do more than I'm mentally capable of handling right now maybe?
My personal life isn't a shit show anymore but it's had some adjustments that I'm trying to conceal from my work-world but they're bleeding together like red box dye on a hotel pillow case. Slightly discolored, like you can tell something is amuck.
The holiday season is approaching so quickly and I'm in a position where every penny counts, every drop of gas is planned type shit lmao. Not that I'm tight on cash but I don't wanna be.
I'm also trying to balance my uhh...what do you call that in English 🤔ah! my emotions. Yes, those. They exist but I've been ignoring them for a while now. Mostly for survival purposes but now that it's ok and safe to acknowledge them, i don't know how to do that...gently. I don't like to cry, nor do I ever really have space and opportunity to let it out like I probly need to. Which makes me think, ehn...I'm straight haha. And I am...but I want to get to a place where I dont need human companionship to feel fulfilled. I want to truly be comfortable and at peace with myself. I think once I do that, I'll attract like-minded people.
Recent events have made me realize I shut down when my life gets crazy but i need to. I don't like people reminding me of the shit I'm crawling through. As soon as I get up from my army crawl, the last thing I need is a mf to point at me and say hey, you know you have shit on your uhh...your shirt? Like yes mf, I smell it but let's talk about something else? Please?
I also realize people expressing pity or empathy or help, irks me. Makes me feel weak lmao. So crazy to me because I'm a helper. It's not that I don't like help, I don't like the responsibility of telling people how/why i need help. I always feel like, ehn nahh...cuz now I gotta tell you what's going on...get back down on my belly and crawl backwards through the shit and then forwards...and then "OMG! Are you okay?😢" Like uhh...yes, i would've included that in my spiel if I wasn't ya know? Like "and now I'm not okay" type shit lol. Yea I'm fine, no I don't want company, I'm over stimulated af. This is my first time living alone in a while...a very long while. I have no furniture yet so what you finna come sit on my blow up mattress while we trauma dump and drink wine? Sounds nice in theory if this was a Disney or lifetime movie but in real life like, ew no. Let me get my shit together. Where's the consideration?? Don't you understand what I've just gotten out of? AAGGGHHHHH!!
But no, they don't understand lmao I have to consider that people care about me and they're not being inconsiderate, they just really have no clue how I'm feeling because I'm presenting as happy...like all is well 🥲 Most people are like oh wow, you're handling this so well. No tf I'm not nigga lmao NOTFIMNOT haha.
I mean, technically, I am. Head up with my chest out, always. But inside...gyaatttdayum. Just a lil lonely fr. Been that way all year to be honest. I feel less lonely now that I'm alone but...ionno how to explain it. I feel like maybe my socializing is superficial. The people that I connect deeply with, I don't want to burden them with my non-happy feelings. I know I have people around me who would listen, gladly. They'd encourage me to talk to them matter of fact...but ew. No, this is MY trauma dammit. I'm not sharing lol
Plus I've lived such a private life, fronting on the outside and whatnot, for a very long time...married life is quite the secret society. Now that I have the freedom to speak and be myself, I'm terrified. I'm outgoing, yes but I don't mean it for real lmao. My goal is to earn an Oscar one day for the way I fineness my presentation skills. It's all a show though. I need to just lock in and find something purposeful again. Writing today is helpful...this feels good.
Also, I had a fear that I was being watched and monitored by the opps lmao. I know, I know...sounds crazy but yall dont even know the half of what I escaped from. Generational levels of manipulative behaviors...Fortunately, I was raised to never be afraid of being honest. The truth can't be judged or clowned because it is what it is...Not only do I stand on business nigga, I AM the business haha
No but seriously, I need to adjust to being myself without being nervous about upsetting others with who I am...that's been like what i imagine PTSD is like? But at the same time, it could've been worse so I dont want to dramatize my situation or overexaggerate. Disrupted my peace and my spirit in ways I've never experienced though, I'll say that.
Also, work.
SO one of my new pet peeves, discovered this year...I don't like when people set up a meeting with me and say "It should only be 10 minutes but i booked an hour just in case" Nigga JUST IN CASE WHAT? WTF is gonna extend this 10m minute meeting to an hour. Because why even tell me that. That's torturous....like no, you just wanna talk and shit. I don't have time. If it's gonna take 10 minutes, book it for 10 minutes. Period. You're eating up my calendar with maybe an extra 50 minutes?? lmao wtf is wrong with you?? Book it for an hour and leave it or book it for 10. Don't tell me...because now, after 10 minutes (or so) if I understand or have retained all of the information I need, I'm out. you can discuss the rest of the 50 minutes amongst yourself. Yes singular lmao. Talk to yourself for 50 minutes since you have wiggle room over there. I know this may sound...ya know what? no. It sounds like a boundary actually, and I'm not apologizing for setting a boundary lmao. Sorry, I don't want to waste paid time with you. That should be respected. I'm not gangsta enough to send the meeting request back with a suggested edit though. I haven't reached that level of respect for myself lmao
If you don't write or talk to yourself, you should. You see what I just discovered about myself? I don't respect myself enough to set a boundary and stick with it firmly...yet. Writing and talking and reflecting with myself always just produces more nutritious fruit for me than when I vent to others. It's cool to get affirmations on your feelings, yes. But where I am, I already know whatever I'm feeling is valid becasue I know my boundaries. I dont need to share my pain to get someone to hype me up, make me feel better, or let me know I'm not crazy. I do that for myself lol. Talking to others openly, the way I like to do on here or when I'm alone feels like I'm complaining or nagging. Very much giving counterproductive.
When I find myself talking about something I consider a "problem" or "recurring stress" of mine, I get annoyed with the fact that I haven't adjusted my life yet to where I can stop talking about whatever that thing is. For example, I used to be late for work every. single. day. Not traffic related, just scrolling or not feeling motivated to get the day started. I was more irritated with the feeling of frustration that I was the cause of my tardiness than the heavy traffic, my coworkers' passive aggressive cliche "Look who decided to show up" type shit...and yes, that was aggravating too lol but I couldn't deny the fact - I welcomed all those conditions and circumstances for myself with my regular groggy morning habits. I told myself one day:
Self: Damn, Deena - you like that shit huh? Swerving and hearing those lil slick ass comments...you like that?"
Deena: No, of course not
Self: ...ok well, don't let it happen, duuhhh
And then I've never, if so...rarely, was ever late again.
and that's what i need to do now...i also have that 10 minute, maybe an hour meeting to get to lmao. Might be late on purpose since homegirl has 50 minutes to throw away...kidding. I wouldn't do that...unfortunately lmao.
K, hope this helped. someone, somehow...
Thanks, byyyyyyeeee 😁
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