Smiley is My Name

 I got to work today and my coworker said "Good morning, Smiley"

Smiley...who tf is...Me? "haha, hi?"

I like it, I guess. Caught me off guard because if you said this in a room full of people, I'm going to guess that all of yall are calling me this shit, huh? I aint even know. I work in an office but in an industrial industry...Lots of retired or close-to-retiring vets. Nick names are bound to happen. Smiley is a good one and I've heard worse...plenty.

I know why they chose that name for me. It's because I'm a positive-presenting person lol. I identify as "Optimistic" head ahhh lmao.

If they only knew that in my mind, when they called me Smiley, I immediately thought of myself as an evil clown. Cracking, opaque white face paint with the red and blue tears. That's a more accurate version of myself as someone named "Smiley" lol. 

I'm a happy person and I'm positive but I'm not a flighty ditsy deal, ya know? Everything isn't "fine and dandy", with balloon animals floating off into the ozone. Those things choke the birds and jam plane engines...Basically, I just don't want my coworkers to get too comfy around me. The factory version of Deena is way more...normal. I blend well, what can I say?

Anyway...Smiley 🤔... It's gotta grow on me. 

As soon as I typed that, I thought...why not just say My name is Deena, bitch. Call me Deena.

Cuz yea.... don't let me get to nick-naming yall up in here. I'm good at nick-naming people. Any southerner with a big family is probably gonna be top-tier at tearing you to shreds with a simple description. 

Idk if this is "nice" but it's fun. We're gonna name my coworkers and you can guess how I feel about them lmao

1. No Neck

2. Coffee Breath

3. Musty

4. Take it Easy, Greazzy 

5. Big Hater, the Snack-a-nator 

6. GottaLotta Animals Prolly

7. Whatarethoooooose

8. Talkaholic

9. Jugular Giblets (came up with this one the second I saw this person...yeeears ago, actually lmao)

That felt great. That's what I wanted to say this morning. 

Am I disgruntled lately? The closer it gets to my day, the more I want to be left alone and just free to create and empty my feelings into something that's productive...not destructive. I need to...just so much in my mind. 

I'm trying not to take those feelings and project them onto others or myself. Tryna be kind to myself lately. It's cool I guess but not easy for me lol

I really like my name list for my peers...it's too good. It's so accurate, if you knew these people in real life, you'd never stop laughing....or calling them that name.

Birthdays are not a huge deal to me, inwardly. If others take time and effort to plan something for me or get me a gift I'd be amazed and grateful. I don't like to feel like an after thought. I probably won't mention my day to anyone on the actual day. If you remember, I'm forever grateful. If you dont, I won't notice. 

Interesting, even though I don't "celebrate" my birthday, I do hate sharing my day. Don't plan no joint or group shit for me unless our birthdays are close, I like that lol I also do not like last minute things like "oh! my bad, happy birthday!" Yea, your bad aka You're bad. I'd rather someone say Happy Birthday with confidence on the wrong day than for someone to know it's wrong and say sorry. Like, you can keep it. I'm straight for real lol I'll pray you forever forget my birthday. I like solo, hey let's go do this type shit. I need to surround myself with more planners...Ew...I don't wanna.

I don't get along with those personality types. I'm very spontaneous and I rarely think things through because...because I'm a thrill...seeker? no, no I'm not one of those. I'M SELFISH? ionno...never thought about it like this. Me... selfish? Ehn...

Any who lmao my favorite song right now is Off Rythm Laughter by Andre 3000...give it a listen.... very uhhh accurate description of my brain most of the time. Interesting because Our birthdays are close...a bunch of your favorite artists, the greatest artists...are Geminis. 

Is that a real thing? like would I stand on business that we're all the same and horoscopes matter?...no lol

But I have a habit of looking at/acknowledging connections between myself and other Geminis that are too similar to deny that SOMETHING is in alignment. I like to study the relationship between people but not physical stuff...like ehn ionno, I don't wanna scare y'all lol

Long story short, nothing is by accident, intuition is real, connections are undeniable, people are sources of energy, sending and receiving... before the internet lol

Also, thank you for reading this really. Not easy being open and just leaving it here. Like leaving the club but not soon enough and you throw up riiiight at the entrance where everyone can see...but you cant see them because you feel so good to have it all out...

Ionno...Never happened to me but I would imagine I'd feel relief stronger than I would feel embarrassed. Actually no, that sounds very horrifying lmao wtf haha

To be remembered is a special feeling to me. I don't get remembered often because I'm the rememberer.

Early birthday wishes, I'm not correcting you. Thank you so much. You over achiever, you! Late ones, thank you, I appreciate the thought. Thoughts matter over here. And the on-time wishes. Yes! Wish me! haha Thank you.

Not sure if I'll want to see anyone tomorrow...not even yall lol so I'm saying my thank you's ahead of time.

But yes, my last day of year 33 is going good so far.

With love,

💚deena