Am I the Only One?

 One thing I've observed about myself lately:

The more I create, the more alone I want to be.

Not lonely, I love my circle but I want to be left to work and create. Like no, I don't give a fuck about your day actually. Like, is that ok to say sometimes? Of course not...to feel it though. Yea, that's safe lol

But foreal, I don't. I don't give a fuck. 

I've got a million other things running through my mind, literally. 

I need to check my emails, I need to plan a grad dinner for my kid and I suck at planning, I need to shave my arm pits, I need a new razor, I need to buy some new bras cuz all the wires have officially gotten tired of carrying this load and retired in my dryer...I need to do more cardio, I need to work on my second album, I need to listen to music, did I order the groceries or just add them to the cart? Can I order them or do I need to pay the lights first and then see what's left and get groceries with that?...Tuna it is, Jimmy Johns. Am I even hungry? How many mgs was that fucking gummy, I should stop eating these...at least for another 30 years to see how the side effects pan out for my peers. 

That's only the stuff that's safe to share with you. I think about death a lot. Not self harm, but just the phenomenon of...life and the cycle of it all. The survival part. The luck, chance, circumstances, health, choices, age...probably why I'm so hell bent on understanding myself before I go. 

I'd hate for someone else to tell people who I was...because does that person even know me fr or do they know what I showed them? lmao 

So, here I am, showing you who I am in case I don't get the opportunity to explain myself in person. You'll at least know what I was thinking about, my intentions...

I watch crime documentaries like people scroll tik tok. Constant. Most times the victim is a nice, friendly person who lit up a room when they walked in. Just a joy to everyone.

Ain't no way. I'd like to be described as positive but to light up a room? Most times, I don't even really want to be in that room haha. The room is actually still dark when I walk in but because most people don't express themselves authentically, they think I'm lit. No, I'm very dim, nigga. Very dim lmao...I am a hard-working, go-getter, I love to laugh...I'm just a real person. 

Not real like "I keep it real" but like I'm real-life existing. I keep it real most times, until I think I'd hurt your feelings...that's when the real gets real...tricky haha.

I also wanted to mention that dont spell check these journal entries but I could. It's just better to write, clear my brain and then just post it and forget it. We're all over the age of 4, context clues to what I'm talking about should override my typos...in theory...right?lol

ANYWAY! I don't care about the specifics of people's day. Am I the only one who feels that way? I haven't met anyone that opted to keep their daily business to themselves...New ideas and projects, jokes and good conversation? YES...The details of what they did, what they ate, their play-by-play of the morning, the weekend, my grandkid said the funniest thing...the blah blah...like, that's not funny and i dont give a fuck. I wonder what that looks like on my face. I physically shift my gaze to either your forehead or past your face so you think I'm looking at you...but I am now filtering out my thoughts, your bullshit, what's important and do I need to retain it. While you're talking about what time you fed the dogs and made your lunch, I'm thinking yep...trash. Throw it out. Nope, not important. What? WHY are you telling people...strangers... THIS? WHY ME, bitch? why now...today?

Not sorry. STFU lol like for real...write that shit down like I do and whoever cares can care in peace. 

I said all that to say...That's how I feel on my blog lmao

This is the fear I have...the fear of annoying people with my real self. 

To post on the internet is to literally override the feeling. Shit's hard to do. Have you ever created something from the heart, shared it with the world and in response they told you "Oh my gawsh! Who Caaaares?! This is trash...booooooo!"

Me neither. So fuck it, I'm posting lol

I gotta say...some of my followers are inspirational. They inspired me to be myself. I have a few familiar friends from over the course of my lifetime, some of them are creative, artsy people...and they post their stuff.

One of them always posted but would mention how trash it was, or it wasn't finished...or whatever. But after listening, I realized it's better than anything I could do with that instrument. Why put yourself down? 

But I get it...the feeling...Excusing your art because you know you can do better if you could just focus on this one thing full time. But shit though, look at what you can do with your part-time efforts? That's fucking phenomenal. Well, I think so. I appreciate the extra time put into something that the audience doesn't get to witness. The feelings of failure, the days of burn out or smashing your head into a wall as to why you want to do this so badly. Struggling with growing up and letting go of what makes you happy to do things that make OTHERS happy...shifting your paradigm of what fulfills your purpose. 

Then shifting it back and getting in your pocket...

Really, not an easy or graceful thing to pull off. I'll always applaud creativity, especially my own haha. 

Create for yourself. 

Impress yourself.

Do it for yourself. 

You deserve it. 

💚deena