Octobrrrr 🥶

 If I'm being honest, this year has been a shit show. I'm glad it's flying by as quickly as it scientifically can but...my Lord. 

Turns out...I'm not sure who I am right now. Not anything clinically extreme, I know what's going on ya know lol but I'm in a... transition phase that's very confusing for me. 

Falling out of a routine, creating a new one, using the same tools or less tools...it's a work in progress. I've made some great friends and rebuilt connections with old friends...want to do more but I see that for me in the future, for sure. 

Freedom to be myself.

I'm struggling with that...but, I always have. That's why I shyed away from the internet for a few years. Or avoid conversations beyond surface level with people who want to like me. I don't know how to turn off who I am lol there's no online version of me...like, this is it. The cringe, boring me is my paid programming. Deena Pro 5.0 lmao This shit right here? The free trial version...agghh i dunno wtf I'm saying. Let me get this off my bountiful, life- supporting chest tho.

I have a problem with letting people go. I forgive in a way that most would scoff at lmao. I truly believe in people making mistakes or getting too busy...for me. This year, I realized that forgiveness doesn't have to equal acceptance...yearning to be treated the way I request is depressing. I'm worthy of kindness and understanding lmao like wtf? who isn't?? I'd rather be wanted and treated the way I should be just because I'm giving that energy...reciprocity, basically. Is it cool to be forgiven and repeat behaviors and decisions because you know they'll be forgiven. Is it cool if it's a pattern that you can't help?

Fuck no...not cool then, either lmao. I mean, it's cool...but be cool OVER THERE...away from me. Let me be cool with some shit I can rely on, expect, depend on, communicate with, grow with...even if that's myself. I can't be expected to emulate the feelings of someone else's day or frustrations. We can talk about it but my happiness is not determined by anyone else's mood. 

Belittling others because of your own frustrations is understandable...I don't agree but, I may be guilty of lashing out at my kids from frustration with my regular life - outside of being their mother. That's my least stressful slice of life. I could be a mom with my eyes closed...and a great one with them open lmao jkjkjk...it was a jooke, chiiiilll hehe.

Recently, I decided to disengage from whatever and whoever disrupts my clarity, my peace, my sanity...if I don't like the movie, I'm changing the channel. Simple. I'm learning that I have a choice to participate...I also have the choice to bow out. Call me weak or a quitter...I walk away with my peace, which for me, is my strength...so, I win. yea...lil uno reverse card on that ass, nigga.

Also, if anyone ever tries to discourage you from being around your friends and family, you should ask yourself whatsup with that...💚

Don't ever feel like I'm desperate for anything. I'm determined enough to retrieve what is meant for me when necessary lol this could pertain to a person, place, or thing...I'm not an independent woman by nature necessarily but I'm equipped and prepared and okay with thriving and surviving solo. Plus, I know how to make meaningful connections in all settings.

And sometimes I feel like Angela Bofill...but I have Instagram so a little less sad and uhh...a lot more equipped with self-diagnosing information that makes me feel better about feeling like shit. IYKYK

And to you - I'm expecting your call but I know, i know...I shouldn't lmfao...and that's fucked up but I'm a sucker for ya. I'm looking forward to it, but why? You're not looking forward to communicating with me or you would. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt or whatever, but I've witnessed people do what they wanted, consecutively. That's why I'm a believer in the phrase "If they wanted to, they would"...I want to be reciprocated...don't we all? Who's out here giving all they got until they cant give no more for the pleasure of it? No judgement but...not me lol. I give with genuine intentions of sharing and caring but being poured back into is the only way to maintain my stream of good vibes...cuz are we vibing and replenishing one another or are you draining me...into a bucket with a hole or 2 in the bottom.

I'm having a tough time because I'm...gyattttdammmitttt 🥷🏾 lmao 

I cant say it here but basically, I wish people could just see other people as people too. Like yea, that shit feels weird to expect a call or meeting or whatever and then ghosts and crickets instead. I'm gonna play that shit off and move on with a smile...and if you decide to come back around, i wont ask too many questions, I don't need an answer once actions are acted on ya know lol thats the answer for me...but fr...it hurts all the same. Not sure if it's an ego/pride thing, embarrassment, feeling like my vulnerability is being taken lightly or as a manipulation tool...all those things are going through my head while I'm presenting as cool, calm and collected lol. I'm not cool. I feel like double, triple texting...I feel very disrespected...and forgotten. So forget me then, don't drop me in the couch cushion and find me 6 months later...like nahhh, you didn't need me that bad, you found and remembered me by accident, hoe ass ninja lmao

When people have decisions and choices...it's important to recognize the preference pattern, ya know? The preference pattern, babe...it's real. 

If you're a part of that pattern, kudos. but if you're not...walk away and remove yourself from the circus. unless you enjoy the circus of course ...the clowns, the wild animals who are miserably forced to conform to be on their best acceptable human-like behavior lol. I'll pass...I prefer my animals on a farm or in the wild...not in a tent, cage, or on the road. 

I miss you though. It's weird because I want to reach out but I don't want to interrupt your life or nag. Nagging though? My intentions are to be a friend at the very, very, very least...or nothing is cool too but like, let me know that's wtf is going on. Don't have me over here blindfolded, swinging at a pinata that was never even hanging in the first place...just wanna watch me swing for my embarrassment and your amusement. That's crazy. I'd only do that to someone I didn't like.

So that's where I'm at...and once i see something from a new perspective, it's not reasonable to continue to use my previous, more naive pair of frames. My prescription lenses have been updated boo and i see you. 20/20 nigga..