I never put much thought to "favorite months/season" type shit but damn...October is a mf.
Maybe I've only felt that way recently...like the last couple years I've noticed when I'm "going through it"...its gotdamn October lmao
The weather is cold, the rain isn't fun, the moon is eerie...but gorgeous. You start reevaluating who deserves your presence at Thanksgiving, who's getting a gift this year for xmas...who's not. Traveling and money and blah blah blah blah hate it. Bahumbug is my middle name lmao. It's not like I don't like it but...I just feel forced to do that shit. Which takes the joy out of it because now, its a job...not a gift. It's an obligation at this point and obligations with high costs and deadlines are stressful for me because I lack proper knowledge of how to budget mindfully...realistically. I'm more of a...what you'd call a theoretical budgeter when it comes to the holidays. Like, in theory, I'd like to spend 20 or less for everyone on my list.
Buuuut I might see a better gift at a different store one day and then forget or not have time to bring back the original gift. Well, that's ok, now I can gift this to someone who didn't make the original budget list. Which is silly because the reality is...a bitch is over budget and I should just go to the store and inconvenience myself to return the original item ooor have enough control to understand the person has no idea what the gift is...once i got it, that's it. no need to buy something, i gotta be able to say oh well and walk away.
That task is level extreme difficulty for me in real time haha! The pressure mixed with the logic...well, my logic...which is very bias lmao
The self-awareness is there, over-riding that is possible but not natural so...i gotta tighten up. It's not the holidays or the fall...it's me. October is ok I guess.
Plus, the way Drake sings and references October...I think I'm onto somtheing. Ionno tho, Ionno?
But yea, I digress lol What was I talking about....Riiight the sadness. We can switch it up tho, that may be a better route. You know? work has been wonderful.
I'm on my grizzy now and I've got my groove now that I'm out of my feelings...I'm just trying to keep up. I'm doing a 3 person job due to budget cuts but dayumn...slide me SOMETHING, please, kind ladies and gentlemen, i humbly beg of you. Can a wee lady like meself possibly receive incentives of monetary value, something more than grits, like wtf? I mean, the grits are bangin tho lol They're good af, i swear but I aint no spring heffa. Can't just sit me in the back and feed me cheesy buttered corn and think I aint gon notice that's wtf going on
I'm tryna be coooll...but gyatdayumn! (Boosie voice)
I know that my optimism is the key but I have moments where I uh...cant find my keys haha. I misplace them occasionally. Writing helps me find them. I often re-read my writing and judge myself. I don't feel like I'm judging harshly though. I think its a beautiful process, but who's asking... I see it as self analysis for potential opportunities to grow...ya know like a diy life coach. I just also just want to remain grateful and thankful for what I do have and what i am receiving. I want to be open hearted and clear to receive new blessings and opportunities for growth...however that may be... I want to be at peace, really. With myself...Ionno. Fucking October 😂
I'm not even dressing up this year. i don't think I am. I don't want to. yea, I don't want to. I'm going to pass out candy for once. I've never done that but it seems like its exactly what I wanna do. I feel happy just thinking about sitting in my lil chair on my porch, passing out candy. I'll do facepaint or something simple but yea...that's the plan. Thanks, guys 😊
Well, I got big plans today and needed to write. I feel good now...much better. Even though I didn't write about my plans lol its the feeling of releasing some of what's on my mind to clear space for other things that...need more attention. This is the landfill of my thoughts. Or maybe its the leachate...yesss it's the leachate. (That's pretty much trash juice...but like, technically coffee is a leachate also. The liquid created from whenever water flows through it is the best way I can put it...or you can look it up for urself. i work at a landfill so I have all kinds of otherwise, useless fun facts in my brain lol)
Arite, off I go to...be optimistic but not too much. Don't want to Light up a room when I walk in or anything like that...but just get reeeeaaallll close lol
Love yall, thanks for reading. i really appreciate you listening. I don't get to let this out anywhere else. I've thought about switching this to paper but then it could be...lost, discovered; oh, the irony lol But yea... If you're reading this, you know alot more about me than most of my friends...unless you're my friend and you're reading this haha Which, I doubt. I think if any of my close friends were reading, they'd check on me more. Which is fine because they also know I don't respond openly to being checked on either. i'm a tough cookie, what can I say lol At least when it comes to showing I'm like...sad or stressed or in need of help. I won't ask for help. You literally have to just do it or intervene and pick up the other end of the load for me if you want to help. It works for me because I know I can manage almost anything by myself but it hurts me too because I outdo myself, overwork myself, disregard my feelings, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah haha. I see those feelings as temporary though and I don't project those feelings on others. Very much an internal sufferer by preference. These feelings are mine, thank you. I got this lmao Well not, the second part. I'm nervous to express my feelings. True hesitation/ fear of being judged, misunderstood, rejected. Yall ever feel that way? Can't just be me...but if it is, so be it lmao It's tough but I gotta move forward from any and all spaces that no longer welcome my presence or respond kindly to my energy.
Until next time...wish me luck.
💚
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