K, cool

 I threw that last one out to make sure the coast is clear.

Tis clear.

My head though? Not sure if it was the heat or the actual realization that i dont wanna change brakes and cut grass. Its cool, not difficult but yea id definitely pay someone next time.

Why is it that we become remorseful only after we realize how severe the damage is? Why dont some of us stop while we're still in the positive? Got a thing for watching things burn to the ground? Is that it? 

Are you a watcher or a putter outter? Im a putter outter...id rather put the fire out than watch how beautifully horrific it can spread and grow, reversing years of structure in a fraction of the time.

I hate feeling owned. While i understand traditional principles, are we only choosing the ones which favor our comfort? If so, i cant follow the plan as blindly as one might desire. I have questions. So what? lmao. Things dont make sense and tradition is only valid if its all traditional, not just my part. Cooking cleaning watching kids...i have options. Dancing, laughing, crying, singing, venting, networking, growing ,learning just to name a few. Im not a robot. I have feelings that need nurturing...i have talents and hobbies that fuel my good feelings. I must pour into them or i will die. Spiritually, like a personality death ya know. I'll be boring. 

My desire to express myself comes from my loneliness. I have an isolated life, thank God for the internet. Day-to-day, it's me, my kids, my car, my coworker's background conversations that I hear from my cubicle...

Lonely for a big personality like me. So, I talk to you...well me...well me but then to you. Ionno, feels as real as it will get until i have the freedom to enjoy my friend's company without guilt or meeting the requirement of being victorious in a battle of righteousness and who's turn is it to go out anyway...Mine. I know it...becauusse liiikkee....the math isn't mathing, sis lmfao Like in a worker's union...we count the hours so it's fair. Thats weird for introverts to do. Torture, paranoia...overly cautious of the time while I'm out. Gotta go home before the clock strikes tomorrow or I turn into a stripper hoe from skid row...quite an interesting transformation to watch. Almost like it doesn't even happen...it's all in someone's imagination. Not mine, but I wish it were true....I'd have the pleasure of witnessing this alleged glorious transformation.

Is it hard to believe that people wanna hang out with me? That I'm funny af and I love to laugh...i don't laugh with you anymore. Or talk. Or sleep. Or fart...and THAT one...that one hurts. I love to fart freely. We should be able to. 

I love to laugh without explaining what's so funny. 

What's funny? My life. Hilarity and beauty, melted into one giant swirly crayon. The misery that finds me and holds my hand, swings my arm wildly back and forth. Our clinched phalanges locked for eternity, back and forth, back and forth as we skippidy doo da through this lifetime, realizing my fate is going to find me, my light is forever as bright as I think it should be, my smile will reflect my inner peace, not my temporary discomfort or amusement...

Pain, grief, struggle...the epic saga before the ultimate rising of the Pheonix....fluttering it's fire flickering wings over what was once perceived as a darkness that swallowed me whole...now, from where I fly, it's so small. The misery is humorous. The triangles and webs of who knows who and what are amusing me lately. Laughing so hard, I can't move in any direction. Frozen in the wonder of the shit show, intrigued as to what could happen next. Does it get better? Miracle...does it stay the same? Probably...Am I staying to watch it...why?

I don't wanna watch this anymore. The same movie and it's not even that good...and there's commercials 🤢.

What do u do when they wanna see you, but they don't want to see you happy.

What do I do...

💚deena