Well, well, well...

 Hi...

I'm back. I feel disappointed that it's been so long since I've written, I was really on a roll. But at the same time, I don't feel bad at all because I haven't been completely lax on my creative streak. Just venturing into other avenues of expression ya know? 

My writing is usually my time to self-reflect...I'm not sure I want to look that deep lately. Not that I don't enjoy the occasional torture of a little self-loathing but...I just can't afford to get lost in my thoughts these days. I know I'm a hoot but my thoughts....ehn...They're not always funny lmao

I mean, they're not sad or mad thoughts either. I'm an analyzer. Not like math but I tend to take circumstances, activities, hobbies, people or events that I don't understand, and I analyze them to the core until I have a well rounded, non-bias understanding. THE CORE bwahahahaaa...A deconstruction so intricate, so accurate, so fucking impressive I scare myself sometimes lmao. And it allll goes on behind the scenes. I'll never reveal what i know about people and their patterns. It's for my own database...like my mental folder of that person. This analysis process helps me be 1000% validated when I decide to A) be comfortable or B) remain a closed book around whoever's folder I'm interacting with lol. Like, which level of me is safe to reveal around you 👀

It gets deeper than that of course, feelings and morals add depth to some folders...time, money, mutual friends, family, or interests....all the tabs in these fucking folders give me a thrill to even think about. I see them all so colorful and offset to the right, just a tad...

I always imagine a large filing cabinet like in Bruce Almighty or that SpongeBob episode where he clears his brain for Pearl's new restaurant menu and etiquette...probably one of my favorite episodes. SpongeBob sacrifices his identity for the greater good of Pearl and the success of her dreams because fuck his dreams. He'd rather see the people he loves be successful...even though it went against everything he ever knew, he just went with it...because he hates conflict. I figured it's because he's a sponge, he absorbs whatever comes his way, so he'd prefer that shit be copasetic...anyway this MF absorbs so much of someone else's stuff to make the happy, he forgets his real name...throws away his entire identity to please his friend and keep his job. I am SpongeBob...

Maaannn that show is so much more than laughs. The humor is top tier for a kid's show, but I digress like a mf...again lmao

I'll just say this, I am an observer by nature...it's a safety thing. I gotta peep the scene before I know if I can tolerate whatever I'm about to get into...physical, mental, emotional, financial, spiritual...all of that. I'm efficient now, I can come to my conclusion fairly quickly these days but it can be draining and very...sad to realize that maybe I try to force some relationships because of what I know they could be from MY perspective...like, I see the potential greatness...it's riiiiiight on the cusp lmao 

I don't get disappointed in people, and I allow them grace because we're humans (most of us, allegedly) and no one is perfect ( except a small percentage of us) and I'm fully hyper aware of that... but I shouldn't give everyone grace all the time lmao I guess sometimes I don't see flags as warnings, I see them as like...indicators of hidden treasure? Like a...a pirate? Arrghh🥹

Yea, flags and hidden treasure...that's what my generation was taught flags were for. Marking your spot on the earth. So that's what I be doin. Or that's what had happened, rather...I dont "be doin" anything really these days. Just crying, over analyzing my perceived enemies and talking to myself...on camera even. The audacity. Peak Gemini bliss 😏

K, I love yall fr tho. Thank you for reading.

💚deena