I've documented love, heartbreak, loneliness, confusion, peace,happiness,contentment, reinventing, revelations and even the things I hate about myself. Hate is a strong word but there are things that I want to improve about how i handle conflict...the checking out thing. I dont mind it, it feels ok to me lmao but it makes others feel ignored. And i am ignoring them because my energy is as risk! But I digress, I strive to be mature enough to engage in those moments instead of retreating. Its hard...i get overwhelmed and ramble.
Remember that episode of SpongeBob when Mr Krabs let Pearl revamp the Krusty Krab? Someone asks for spongebobs name but he erased it from his memory vault in order to remeber how to be who Pearl preffered him to be. My guy starts losing his mind trying to find his name in his memory, blurting out whatever random facts he scans across while trying to find...the right words. Thats me. Im spongebob looking for my name when i feel nervous or afraid to say what i wanna say. Im full of shocking words, ive been told om intimidating. Odd but of course, i wouldnt see myself that way because i dont experience myself in the outter realm...whatever lmao
Basivally, I am doing the work to become the human I want to be.
Communication classes, learning why i do the things I do, where do i fit in naturally in group settings, researching every lead to the solution to my puzzle...horoscopes, the moon, the Bible, anything to help me understand what it is about me that bothers others...because I'm not trying to. I love people.
I feel kinda like Shrek. If i don't like people, it's because of how they react to me without getting to know me. I'm a fuckin onion! Why cant they seeeeee Im just an onion lol
I don't know who's reading this anymore.
For my sake, hopefully you're all strangers, right?
If not, this blog isnt really about much and i apologize if ive said anything that affected our relationship...ionno who thats for cuz my circle is tight and they all know me well enough to confidently say, ill say it to your face first lmao
But I hope my children find comfort in relating to my experiences, maybe even my voice...in case I uhh...don't make it today, tomorrow, whenever. Nothing crazy, that's just a reality that some of us dread to acknowledge. I don't have many monetary gifts for them but I have my heart, lessons learned... they can follow my path or make adjustments based on how things went for me.
The best way to describe it is, I found myself in a new situation and there was no tutorial or walk thru to help me on this level. Figuring it out was an experience that made me empathize with people like me. I was sure they felt all the things I was feeling but thats not always true. Some people prefer be left tf alone instead of finding comfort in relation.
I dunno...I was just desperate to talk to someone other than myself. As I wrote to myself over the years, I realized I wanted to talk too lol so I made my YouTube channel. I make myself laugh. What a beautiful invention, the camera. Capturing my youth, my emotions, my transformations through child birth, marriage, friendships, everything. I would hate to lose my memory. If I record the good stuff, it won't be lost. I want to remember my life because I love it. I want it to be a real time admiration, not a memoir where I think someone said something or I remember they told me...no. imma write it down immediately. Fresh off the universe. I don't want to forget anything that makes me...feel. I have a thing for saving the moments when something initially alters my mood or perspective of someone. Those memories are for nostalgic purposes, sure. But also, for research purposes. Pattern recognition, real Gemini shit over here. If you know, you know lol
Talking to myself, listening to myself, watching myself....made me want to know about me more. I'm interesting to me. Why do people see things in me that I or others cannot? What am I missing? The good parts and the bad, I want to dissect those things...observe them...study them...learn them...and ultimately control them. Well, control myself lol
I want to control my reality to fulfill a life of peace and gratitude for myself. I want to spend my time enjoying who I am, no explaining who I am. I want to cry from laughter, not from fear, anxiety, and conflict. Not to say those things aren't normal but...they're not in alignment with who I am nor do those things fuel my purpose to exist.
I want to create spaces and relationships that allows our peace to flow and grow in support, not resentment or competition. I want to be considered, cheered for the way i cheer for you and I don't think I've ever even...ionno....considered myself. I've lacked cheering for or considering myself. I love who I am but I don't know if i prioritize caring about myself. It's really a natural thing, I enjoy pouring into others. I don't expect anything back, i wven have a hard time accepting gifts, money, praises. I have a great time seeing the people I care about having a great time. But sometimes, I guess I do need some sort of reciprocity. Need...interesting word to choose there haha but yes, without recieving in return, I begin to question if the uhh...energy passage is blocked, or wonder if I did something wrong. And then the darkness comes...I crawl inside my brain for some uhh...troubleshooting lol reflecting, dissecting, blah blah blah ya know...i mean, rrrreally taking the opinionsof others and believing those opinions as true depictions of my character. If it's coming from someone who ive built a relationship with, I figure why would this person tell me this to hurt me? Weeelllll I found out that all the things that were shuffling my energy were very intentional. Staright from the horsey, hot off the jawn. I knooww...how dare I be so forgiving, submissive and naive lmao I'll say this, im always screaming for you to be yourself because im not allowed to. I encourage you to let loose and be free if you're a creative, abstract human mind like me...nothing is worse than feeling guilty about being yourself, this is true. But theres more....ive accepted my shortcomings and problem areas, thats fine. But i dont like to be hurt with intention. Thats where my empathy or whatever the fuck (🤣🤣🤣 such a nigga sometimes) is cut short. I dont hurt with intent. I can't...thats a different kind of evil. I was gonna say my granny told me that but she didnt. I just know based on research-based evidence that a vengeance is evil...batman, spiderman, fairly odd parents...evil. Eating me alive, smushing one chuckle at a time back down into my esophagus. Holding me down each time I find a new step to lift me up, consuming my light like the dusky blue-grey sky before a hurricane.
But I have too much light for this force...for most negative forces, I think. Hasn't been confirmed, I don't give a survey or code after each interaction with people but maybe I should 🤔 another experiment that needs to be conducted (referencing my myth about the pizza scam: pizzas being the same size but ur charged more because its in a different size box)
Anyway, in the midst of the storm yesterday, the screaming was silent, the words weren't received as truth like I used to think, and the best part...I didn't cry lmao. Yall think im a YN but im a softy. Its a napoleon syndrome thing lol waaay bigger on the internet than in real life, i promise.
But as i was saying...
A flood of peace waved over my heart. I really felt myself reclaiming...something.
It's not me this time.
I need to dip.
The end ✌🏾
💚
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