What to do...

 Hey...

I know, I know.

 I've been writing poems to get the brain going but I haven't had much that I'm willing or wanting to share with you lately. I'm really focused on pouring time into my creativity at least once a day. Whether it's writing, drawing, singing, dancing, stretching like...badda bop ba baaahhh I'm loving it.

Not sure if everyone is loving it though...

And that's the hard part about some of the things that come together to define happiness for me. For me, happiness is generated from being creative and expressive, enjoying life in a youthful, able body. If my energy is off, it won't happen in that particular space. I hope you're following me... but basically home life can be the thing that's causing my energy drainage/uproar.

I love my family. I love myself. I give them every part of me. I want some parts of me for myself. 

That is my puzzle, in a nutshell. It's the same picture on each of our boxes but the pieces we have to put together are shaped differently. In the beginning, most of the pieces were identical so it was fun to help each other work on completing this puzzle of life. As we continue to put together this puzzle, we begin to realize that some of our pieces are too different to share, too different to help, too different to understand. Our pictures are the same, but my puzzle pieces just shaped different. We have different methods and experiences of living (the pieces) .... like ionno. You get the metaphor by now; I think I explained it fairly well lol.

I am a wife and mom when I'm home. I'm myself, don't get me wrong. But I'm a different person around my friends than I am around my kids. I refrain from twerking and hood rat shit for the most part when I'm home lol. But...i love twerking and hood rat shit. I wholeheartedly do. I would've never stopped my twerking ways if I hadn't become a mother. On the contrary, I aint even get a fair "shake" haha. Now that half of my kids are young adults, I want to experience the fun stuff. I sacrificed friendships and me-time to be a mother...which is how it should be, in my opinion. 

I'm not downing my experience, but I am trying to shout like...let a bitch fucking live a little while my knees still have cartilage like what the fuuuuuuuck. I'm confident I was not put on this earth to only raise kids and fucking cook nutritious meals from scratch out of my ass on a Thursday night with no money a pantry full of donated/stolen canned beans. 

You know what I mean? 

Liiike, I have visions and waves and flutters of greatness. I have the urge to improve my natural talents and abilities to make myself and others smile.... That's what I'm supposed to be doin and I can't ever find enough time to feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I always feel like I'm someone's geography teacher with a ugly button-down shirt from a Disney gift shop, telling the class how I was cool once because of what I used to dream of becoming. 

Nah bitch, I'm cool NOW. I been a cold mf since day one...never sweated a day in my life, no matter how hot the block got lol 

Mentally, spiritually, artistically...I'm here now. I want to be me and I hate that the thought of being my true self could cause a disruption when it comes to the many strings on my guitar. Gotta get that shit in tune so I can be great like Jimmy.

💚deena