Still The Realest...

 Okay, okay...that book is getting a lil emo for me and the vibe I'm trying to cultivate lmao. 

Every page is like...lonely, angry, murder, thievery, butterflies. Shit got me a lil discombobulated. Flipping through the pages like a bad shroom trip...Who even am I anymore? type shhh lol

K, got some more reflective work for today. My kinda jammmmm. Saw this on the gram. I know I scroll aimlessly but sometimes I find some gems. Especially when my artsy friends share. 

Arite so... the question to the content creator is as follows:

How do you know who you are if you've always been in survival mode?

Homeboy suggests you ask yourself 5 questions. I highly recommend this exercise because it helped me take a step back and ground myself. MYSELF, ya know?

1. What do I enjoy, simply because it brings me joy?

Motivating others to reach past their full potential. I enjoy watching people grow. The internal process that has to take place for growth and change is the most complex, beautiful thing...to me.

2. What does rest look like when I'm not feeling guilty about it?

I've never had a good look at something like that, but I imagine it looks like I'm hiking or fishing or somewhere I can comfortably be barefoot and, in some grass, or near some animals...safe animals lmao not snake grabbing in the everglades but...watching squirrels steal food from the birds type of animals hehe

3. When I feel safe and unhurried, what kind of person do I naturally become?

Happy. Ultra, natural high type of happy. I love living life, I enjoy it like a fat person would enjoy wings at the bar on a Wing Special Wednesday. Slowly. I take my time to enjoy laughs, facial expressions and body language always fascinate me. I like to watch people and how they move, smile, nod their head, scrunch their eyebrows. Ultra observant at all times...I've always been that way since a child. AKA nosey af lmao but I draw and so naturally, I study movement and emotions. Long story short, observant is what I become.

4. Who am I when I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone, not even myself?

 I'm always trying to prove to myself I'm not what people say I am so this is difficult for me to answer...I don't know if I have the answer. I'm always on prove I'm worthy mode lol. Mom life, wife life...when I'm with my friends I'm my authentic self...no filter. No need. They know I love them and my jokes and mannerisms are a part of what makes me who I am. When I'm accepted, I don't have a motive to prove anything. I'm always myself around myself though. I'm the realest nigga I know fr.

5. What parts of my personality have I hidden to feel safe and/or accepted?

Lots of the parts lmao yall would lock me away if I let all these cats out the bag 😭Really though, I've hidden my creative, expressive self in order to feel accepted and feeling accepted feels safe. But I promise, lately I'm thinking....what are feelings? Are these mfs even real or am I making them up to justify my ego when I experience disappointment of failed expectations I put on others...ya know? Feelings are imaginary friends. Imaginary Feins...addicted to controlling my rational decision-making processor. 

I want to make sure you recognize what this is...well "you" is referring to myself. I'm talking to myself. I hope you know that when you read this lmao No subliminal stuff over here, I'm too old to even remember the context of some of these rants I get into when I'm in manic panic. I thought about switching this up a bit. Speaking in 3rd person and putting a character to it so I can really disassociate with my thoughts once they leave my mind. I want them out...otherwise I'd keep most of this shit to myself, trust me. This is a true sacrifice of my comfort for the sake of art...my mind in its most vulnerable state so, you're welcome. My year has been shit, if I'm being honest. No details to share yet, I'm still processing if any of it is worth the worry...when I type, I'm reflecting, not making a mess lmao...but I hope you appreciate me literally shaking it off and finding the spark to write, record, whatever. My real life feels like it's crumbling to smithereens and I'm vexed because I thought I was..ionno, crushed? Days, weeks, and months are passing where I find myself alone more often than before. I'm not a person who reaches out like "hey, where are you, wyd, who you with" lmao It can come off as looking like I don't care but...I don't. Should I? I used to watch those court tv shows after school on basic cable. You see the ladies in there like "Judge, he don't blah blah blah.." I remember asking my dad why women let men force them to be sad lmao. I was maybe 7 but it was clear to me that i didnt want to be an emotional reactor as an adult. I'm a processor...I break things down and see all sides before I react. Try to hold myself accountable becasue I don't intentionally want to hurt anyone but it happens...miscommunication, harsh tones, passive looks, whatever. I'm not perfect lmao However, in my increased moments of solidarity, I'm realizing how I'm growing, creating and feeling lighter. It's sad in theory, but at the same time, I feel so...free. I don't care how I get treated or spoken to anymore. I don't feel compelled to wait up to ask questions. I don't feel an urge to explain myself either, or respond or justify why I enjoy doing the things I do or prove to anyone else it's worth "allowing" me to do. I have hair on my nuts, too...are you kidding me? I refuse to use my mystical growing powers towards growing something that's gonna eat me alive. No longer responding to things that fester recession...Progressive thoughts and conversations only please. Getting spoken to for a reaction is something I've seen enough to recognize...my reference? Bad Girls Club, any season. Not baddies...whole different vibe (that I also enjoy very much lmao). With some good discernment, you could learn a lot about situational awareness from reality TV. Anyway, if I'm approached with words and actions that are intended to break me or my shine, I'm just...gonna eat it. Which could actually cause my problem to grow exponentially now that I think about it 🤔like internally if I hold it in. But that's ok, I have this...and also, I really don't know what to do/say at this point. I would rather use my daydreaming for better things and I'm ok.