I hate things, too

 Hello my friends,

You ever made a cheesecake from scratch? I tried to make a sweet potato cheesecake one year for thanksgiving. That mf had to sit in the fridge for 12-16 fuvckin hours to set. I made it the morning of...so guess who didn't get their big-back inspired tiktok cheesecake? lmao im kidding, i tore that cheesecake to smithereens, all by myself...and it returned the favor shortly after.

I could've waited 4 more hours but I was so mad at how slow it was firming up, i said fuck it and ate out of the spring pan with a large rubber spatula...in the dark because thanksgiving had came and went at that point of the evening. My face covered is mush, tears glistening in the low glow from my open refrigerator door. 

This was the thanksgiving my someone had an issue with going anywhere with other people for the holiday but also, was anti-everyone and they momma coming over to my place for the feast. Nothing specific happened, just personalities and traditions clashing. I was so sad and disappointed that all my hard work for the holiday was overshadowed by a taller person with louder feelings. It's one thing to be small, but to FEEL like it... I cried right into that sweet potato cheesecake soup "You so swirly and sloshy and rich...like me," I thought.

I'm an artist; heaping streams of salted tears inspire the spark within. Ironic.

It was delicious, but muddled with snot and tears at some point. Whatever, it was mine. All of it. Yall never had an epiphany that caused a break down in the middle of whatever tf you're doing? An overwhelming rush of feeling helpless, voiceless, so so tiny and weak and you can't talk to anyone about it because you wonder "Who even gives af? Am I venting or ungrateful? Is this healthy or am I hurting myself by holding in my feelings, so I don't accidentally agitate others? Is this their intention when they're reminding me my feelings are the tiniest part of their concerns?"... 

You want to scream because it would make the choking go away buuuuuut you'd hate to disturb your kids or the neighbors or the squirrels or the fucking ants...Careful not to disturb others with your "feelings" because they're so overwhelmingly backed up. Emotional constipation, we'll call it.

Is it just me? A part of me hopes so...It's a heavy load to carry and I feel bad for anyone who experiences this or feels the way I do some days.

Has anyone ever told you that your feelings were irrelevant in a conversation about how someone was making you feel lmao I hate that too cuz...what the helly?

Has anyone ever complained about the things or people that make you happy so much, you stop doing those things or seeing those people so they'll stop bringing it up? Have to tell certain people to stop inviting you, had to tell them you're a busy girl so stop asking...I hate doing that.

I don't consider myself a "crier" but I guess I'm a softy...I'm in tune with my mf feelings, that's all. Ido so much for others, above and beyond what I'm willing to do for myself sometimes. When I'm ready to do something I want to do...I WANNA DO IT. Don't shit on it, please. I exude so much positivity that negativity really shits heavy on my sunshine. I gotta stop making myself feel like that or allowing others to affect me in that way...what am I? 16?

I hate when people don't want to be around me...even though sometimes I made those people fully aware of how I'm uncomfortable because of them. 

I hate when I work hard to learn or achieve something and someone tells me it sucks, or I suck at that thing still, or that I can never be great at that thing. I hate hearing that. Sure, it motivates me but so does positive reinforcement. Like why you gotta make me want to crush your soul so I feel like I'm doing something impressive to you.

I hate that I want to impress anyone besides myself. Who are they? Tem Po Rary?

What else?

I hate feeling like my way is the better, more logical, reasonable thing to do and no one considers my input. We don't have to do what I want for me to be happy but, just hear me out. Don't tell me my ideas don't make sense. So what, nigga. Try it...I'm a genius, don't you know this by now?

I hate when I open my heart at the wrong time to the wrong people. Too late sometimes...too soon most times. Out here looking lost and lonely...smh 

I hate that I'm forgiving. I wanna grudge on a nigga so hard, karma makes no mistake of who's throat I'm coming for.

I hate that I need isolation to be myself. It's frustrating to not always have "isolation time" but need to be my normal, energetic self. It's like cooking without foil or oil...like, I can do it but yuck....Who tryna clean that pan?

I hate that I make friends easily. I don't like everyone, but I do have a high tolerance for personalities that differ from mine. I like to learn people and how we're different/the same but after I know what I need to know...get away please. I'll come back when I need to update your file lmao

I hate that I can't let go of old friendships in my mind. It's like...bitch, that was 20 years ago. They don't know you, and you don't know them. SToppppp ittttt....let that shit go, girl.

I hate that I get attached to people because I have limited leisurely adult interactions in my everyday life. I sit at a desk, a speak politely to my coworkers because I'm paid to do it, not because I want to. I get in my car and pick up children, go home and entertain/cook for children. I go to sleep and wake up. I chat on the internet with my girls but i thrive on socializing in person. Ask about me, I'm waaaaay cooler in real life lmao

I hate giving people second chances. Like repairing a friendship or dating an ex twice...ehn, I'd really rather not. Experience-based evidence and reasoning, not a feeling on this one...more of an expectation or a pattern of human nature

I hate that I have to write on here. If i write my feeling in my real life journal, it could get found. Isn't that odd? Id rather put in on the world wide public web....WTF haha

I hate that I excuse other people's treatment of me because they tell me to. 

I hate apologizing because usually, if I said it and it hurt...i thought about it for a looong time before I decided to let it fly. I meant it, it was true and I knew it was going to hurt. Why I gotta say sorry? YOU say sorry for disrupting the most peaceful thing walking since 1992. (Wasn't born in 92 but this is when I'm guessing/hoping I started walking peacefully lmao)

I hate being forced to do stuff...or convinced. Like, if I said no, dont keep asking me. Cuz when I say YES, just know I'm only going because I'm too cowardly to say it with my chest because I fear not getting invited to anything else but really, leave me alone. I know, I confuse myself too.

I hate that sometimes, I love people that can't, won't, don't want to love me back...the fuck is up with that, huh? Why do I do that to myself? I'm not delusional, they're illusionists. I am but a foolish patron of said jest...uuughghghghghghhghhhh fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck 😭

That shit be hurting so bad sometimes, too. Weed helps, liquor not so much.

I hate alcohol...unless it's for sanitation purposes, of course.

I hate being a 3rd wheel or a 5th wheel is probably a worse feeling since nothing has 5 wheels on the road...I'll go roll my ass back to my house. I hate making people feel like that, too.

I hate being an option. I'd rather be the choice. The only choice. Decisions where, nigga? Me or MEEEE niggaaaaaa RRAAAWWWWRRRR...seriously. lmao

I hate holidays...like family holidays. Expensive for no reason... and in my situation, it's always the perfect opportunity to revisit family drama and decide what level of it I'm willing to host and tolerate. Makes me want to be alone...to cry into my sweet potato cheesecake soup.

I hate that all of these things I hate are self-induced frustrations.

BUT..

I do love who I'm growing to be and I love that I'm ok with being honest with myself...on the internet lmfao. Dont try to get all reflective and self aware in person with me, I'll disassociate...from you, the conversation, my body...

k, that's enough for now but in case you didn't know,

I hate things, too.

Tomorrow is Juneteenth. I feel some type of way that corporate only gave me the day off because it would look bad if they didn't. Give me what I deserve dammit! haha

But yea so...Love you always (I hate that I'm like that too😭 lmao)

💚deena