I did it...

Good morning...

It's Monday for me. I love Mondays because I get to reflect on my weekend, My "free" time haha. I'm trying to have every second of my life compensated. Speak it. Believe it. Receive it! hehehe

Anyway...at some point, I was browsing through some past entries and came across my 2014 New Year's post. Who was I? lmao Apparently, an alcoholic...which is WILD because I don't remember it feeling that way. I just know when I stopped drinking, my life, body, mind, spirit just felt better. I was way funnier back then, though. I didn't really care about anyone finding this little corner of the web, so I was letting it fly freely honey! I was real comfy fr haha so embarrassing but so...beautiful.  I love to watch growth in myself and others...change is the most amazing process in this lifetime to me. What does it take to grow? It's not necessarily a natural or passive process for humans as it is for plants and animals. We have feelings and dependencies and insecurities and individualism and vices....and crack. 

Can you imagine if animals did drugs? Have yall seen Cocaine Bear? OMG....stupid movie but worth a watch if you're into uhh...miscellaneous humor. Yea that would be crazy if animals had access to mind altering substances the way we do...at least i know for sure the nuances of my dog. When she sees me, she's ecstatic. When I leave, she's depressed. When someone gets too close, she farts a lil bit. Every time. She'll never change that. I love that she's so consistent and predictable. Pets are perfect for people who need consistent companionship ...unless you give it crack🤔

I also read a few post that confirmed what I've always known... I'm a true animal lover. I judge people by how they treat animals sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Florida girl. I swat mosquitos and squish roaches with pride....but dogs and cats? I hate when people are extra harsh or impatient with their animals...or their kids too. You can tell a lot about a person's internal happiness by how they treat animals...or nature in general. I think the earth we live on is a reflection of our inner selves...Think about it...

You ever seen a person throw trash out of their car? Then you see that person and you're like "oh...yea you look like you would do something low down like that." Then you see the guy, (we'll call him Gerald) that volunteers to pick up trash in the front of his neighborhood early on weekend mornings...what a happy fuckin guy. He loves his environment and notices it. He's connected to it because when it's unkept, it disrupts his peace...it's a lil off. Yeah...I wanna be like Gerald. Socks up to my calves, my grabber stick, and my Walkman....Fucking connected, like a G.

Also, I revisited a time where I truly just poured my all into myself because no one else was doing it. I was a bad motha shutcho mouf....then I had a baby...then I was back to self pity...then I poured back into myself...and then here I am. Time to get a refill in this bitch. I feel like I've been very consistent lately though. Moreso for my sanity, and some reflective work, not because you're reading it now. I really can't tell who's reading anymore unless you leave me a comment or mention it to me...I can see the view count but it's skewed. 

After I post these, I reread them and edit, refresh, edit, refresh, edit, fuck it, refresh, ehhnnn yea I'll edit. So by the time you see it, I've got 20 reads...but they're all me. Over analyzing and forcing myself, literally talking myself out of changing anything. A typo, a smiley, a name drop, a tea spill...I'm leaving it all because it's part of the process. The process of what? Ionno, do it and find out where it leads you lol. I know one thing, every time i type because, I spell it "becasue"...the s and the a being so close to each other on the keyboard plus the rate of speed at which I'm typing...yea yea whatever lol

Also, I worked out today. It felt great. None of that yoga shit, nahh...big dawg lifting. I should say, more than I usually do. 25 pounds is a nightmare after a couple minutes, really. 

I told myself I would wake up early to catch the sun and work out. I've been saying this all year but today, i actually did it and it felt nice. Ionno how it'll feel tomorrow but I'm going to try and do it again.

I gotta take care of myself the way I care for others. Sometimes I look at myself or think of myself...and wonder why my life had to be so complicated and embarrassing. But, is it? Is it complicated and embarrassing? Embarrassed about what? We're all out here oblivious to the unknown certainty of tomorrow. I'm just like you except I've learned to share. Sharing is what helped me realize my shit is complicated and maybe considered fucked up to some, but it's mine. Not only is it mine, but I don't see it that way. ..ya know, anymore lol 

When I feel overwhelmed, and I mean OVER...panic attack, hyperventilating alone type shit...

I ask myself these questions...In this order

Am I alive? Am I safe? What am I feeling? Can I let this go without hurting myself or others?

Sometimes it works great. Sometimes I have to ask that last one a couple times. The answer must align with whatever options are awaiting the other side of that choice and if it's something you can tolerate. For the record, it's never myself haha Im always ready to jump people from behind lmao I think this urge to swing on somebody unexpectedly comes from a healthy mix of what I was exposed to in my childhood school environment plus unsupervised exposure to early 2000's reality tv lol

Ionno though, some people pray and that works for them. I check myself in the physical realm and then make sure it's safe to hug my spirit...checks and balances are still important, even if I'm a one man show sometimes lmao 

That's all I have for this morning. I'm looking forward to hearing from you....

💚deena