Can't sleep

 Some nights i frustrate myself because my brain wont cut off. Thoughts and new ideas swarming around my mind like mosquitos at the edge of a pond. 

I wonder sometimes if i really don't care what people think about me or am i just telling myself that? I do care what certain people think... I'm human. I wish i didn't. 

Anyway, i have a thing about eating in front of strangers, coworkers, people i don't know well...its always been that way but i usually work my way around that at work just fine. My new office is far from where im allowed to park... and since I'm "Smiley", people think I'm Lacy the Listener too i guess.  

As soon as i go to eat anything, "Heeeey, Smiley. Whats for lunch?" Oh my fuckinggoodness😭😭 Sometimes i dont even turn around and acknowledge whoever it is, merging from the depths of my most inner irks. Who talks to someone while their back is turned? Cant you see im disassociated at the moment? Busy? EATING? 

The cringe i feel in my spine when i hear that stupid question... like, why? U think I'm gonna share? You think you're gonna go gossip about how weird i chew or the unique food combinations im bringing in? Like, get out my mouth dayuuuummm. 

So, long story short, now im up googling what's wrong with me lmao. And after all thaaaat, This is what i foooound (usher voice lmao)

Deipnophobia is a form of social anxiety disorder, manifesting as the fear of eating in front of others.

Idk how to pronounce that and I also don't like to self diagnosed but that's a simple and accurate description of wtf I feel when people want to eat around a table together at work or go for like group lunches. If I'm not comfortable or familiar with at least one person, " Lunch? Together? Oh, what a bummer, i think im gonna miss that!? I've gotta run an errand for the kids 🥲" 

No I don't lmfao I don't run for kids, kids run for ME nigga haha jk but yea I'm dead ass. And don't see me eating in the corner and approach me like we're at the playground and i need new friends. I'm a grown ass woman. I'm over here solo because I want to be. I'm not shy, Chuck. I hate this. I'm fucking petrified! 

I also have a thing about people hearing me chew. It's a paranoia I can't explain and it doesn't bother me, its 2 sided. I dont enjoy listening to smackers either. Most of the realest animals eat alone. I'm thinking deeply and reflecting on the many battles won along the journey while I absorb my nutrients and yall nosey ass hoes be interrupting 😆 

Annnnd lastly, eating food with others is a form of mind control and power. Didn't see that coming huh?lmfao it's true though. Before war, they feed you good food. Before managers drop some fuck shit on you, they have a safety lunch with name brand wings and tea and fucking fruit trays and cakes and half of yall are getting fired next week. What i look like, my reflective ass, sitting on my couch a week later replaying my voice but I remember like I have the voice of goofy or bugs bunny "Can u pass me one of those napkins right over there please? Hahaha! Thanks, yea man thanks!" That would eat me alive, no pun intended. I hate getting sonned or tricked using something I love like food. How dare you treat me like a mouse, a lab rat. If I don't eat and shit goes left, no love lost. Food is the fastest way to control or gain the trust of another person. We're still animals, ya know. Feed a cat? It comes back. Feed a duck? It comes back. A dog? U get it...but not me. I ain't no animal, Chuck. Imma... a alien. I can't let 'em see how I ingest my nutrients, Chuck! lmfao 

Idk who Chuck is haha I imagined myself talking with the voice of Bubba from Forest Gump when he's about to...ya know, but think him mixed into the scenery of Men in Black when I wrote that. Can you tell? Isnt that funny? Go head...reread it, I'll be here 😊

Yep, I hate eating in front of people that I'm not familiar with just yet. Once u get to know me though, fries flying, crumbs crumbling, sauce on my face, I don't care. But coworkers, strangers...and a combination of the 2?? People think I'm rude sometimes the way I swerve making a plate at the potluck. 

Potlucks are different though. I don't eat at those because I don't know where everybody's hands were while they made my food. Do they like me? Is this the perfect opportunity to eliminate the intestinal peace of all your opps with one bowl of chili? And I see what yall bring in for lunch. Yyyyyyeeeaaa...I'm not even hungry like that, folk.

Maybe my judgement of the way others eat is really me judging myself on how I eat and I project it onto others because it's more fun to judge other people's mannerisms than my own. This - reflecting- isn't fun, its painful....But, I do enjoy it lmao Silly me 🤪

I can't people watch in peace if I gotta actively listen to someone who wants to get to know me while I bust down a saucy lemon pepper flat with both hands. Like cummon....get tf away from me. Don't u know I have deipnophobia, a form of social anxiety disorder, manifesting as the fear of eating in front of others?! Geeze, Chuck lol

Yea imma use that one. They'll never invite me to team building lunches again 😈

I'm talking shit but I'm usually the one who plans and organizes the lunches. Not my job but the lady who's job it is is a vegetarian. No shade but who the fuck gets a choice for free food and picks lettuce. Get out the way Susan, if I'm eating, I'm picking wtf we get so I can atleast enjoy my mind control distraction bait. How did I finesse free wings? If there's a will, there's a way. It was easy though because Susan is last minute, old school. Every month I just beat her to it lmao. Like clockwork, every 5th of the month, she pokes her head In my cube and says "heeeyyy do u know what u want for the saaafety meetiiiing? U know I'm a vege"...SSKKKRRRTTTTTTTT🖐🏾yes , bitch We're aware of your conditon. It's done, Wild wings order placed last week...she's "always so grateful that I took that over". At least those are her words. I know Susan goes home and drags.me.like.a.dog to her man the way i stepped on her office toes.i love it.. the wings, not pissing her off lol HOWEVER lol now I picture her at her kitchen counter, venting about her muffled crashout to her exhausted husband...furiously ripping through the plate she made with leftover carrot sticks and potato wedges lmfao poor gal...if that's even the case. Lemme mind my business. Who am I to even shade her for loving vegetables. I should be more like her. Maybe if be taller lmao

Well I think I'll sleep a little before the morning gets going. Its 2 in the morning...

💚deena