The Maybe

 Maybe Im too hard on myself...

Times like these make me wish i went to church more...such a sinner lmao. No, but really I feel...I feel so...fuzzy? Hard to explain but basically, my energy is good, im in good spirits etc...but something is uneasy; something is turbulent. Is it a good rush? Is it bad? I cant tell just yet but I'm preparing myself for the unknown.

I think maybe I'm nervous about my daughter graduating next week...why am I nervous for her? I dont know! I believe she'll be fine. She's a beautiful person and has some wisdom under her belt that most people MY age haven't retained yet. 

I'm nervous about who she really is...I mean, none of us really know who we are...but I know along the journey of discovery, there can be parts of you that make you feel ashamed or nervous and I don't want that experience for her. it's a lonely, lost, place to be when you cross those parts of the path. Some things we learn about ourselves, we don't even tell our closest of friends. Then one day, they're not a friend, they're a stranger that you havent talked to in 30 years. Wahn Wahn Wahn...lmao

I just want her to be herself...quiet, loud, whatever...just be firm in who you are, wherever you are, whoever you're with. It's a difficult thing to do, especially when you're out in the world around people who may not hold you to the standards you were raised with. They may even encourage you to say "Fuck that shit. Rules were put in place by The People and blah blah blah" and then BOOM! She's throwing Russian grenades into a mom-and-pop shop in Birmingham somewhere caught on CCTV and aired on live news... 

No, this specific sequence of events has never happened to me but I grew up in a different time. Our vice was street pharmaceuticals, not political riots...I know! waaaaaay more fun but this is what she's working with lol. 

Being yourself while finding yourself is true mastery of self-awareness. How aware you must be to think, "This is not me, it's the NEW me...but only this part. This part just died and fell off. I want to keep THAT part...and YOU, you can't continue to be in my life if I want to evolve."...

Like, all of those things...

Of course, the circumstances that would prompt these questions are usually trauma inducing, heart breaking, humiliating, life altering, fucked up things. I don't want that for her, but I know she needs it? We all have to go through some shit to be who we are today, right? Do we, really? Or is that bullshit that people tell you so you'll stfu about your sad life events that burden them too much to listen to...aagghhh. yep, this is probably the thing that's disrupting my peace lmao. This feels like an impossible skill to master, even for me and I'm well on my way to what the young folks refer to as "aunty age"

Anyway, I'm super proud of her. I really didn't know what I was doing while raising her for the most part... I'm grateful for all of the lessons she's taught me over the years.

It's amazing what having children will bring out of you. Thanks to her, I learned how to respect myself, set boundaries that make me whole-heartedly comfortable, I learned patience, how to love someone other than myself, how to love people from afar...wwaaayyy afar lmfao...i mean it's deeper than this of course but I can't let my full Gemini show. I have an image to uphold lmao

SO graduation, yes. Her father will be there...which is weird to me but before I go any further:

THIS IS MY JOURNAL...YOU DONT HAVE TO AGREE OR LIKE WHAT I WRITE BUT BELIEVE, I SAY WHAT I SAY WITH MY WHOLE MF CHEST, respectfully :)

While I don't like to put others down...I do feel uncomfortable allowing the person who only wrote their name on the project to present the project to everyone like they had some significant input. LIke, nah nigga. This is MINES. 

I wish I was more vocal about that. I literally don't have any interest in wondering why a nigga don't do what he won't do but see, this is where it comes full circle...

I am who I was raised to be, and unfortunately, my parents took extra effort into making sure I kept the dawg within me at bay...only release for emergencies. To be fair, she's been let out a couple times, maybe the cage was allowed open just a bit too long but I aint never went full fucking Animorph before. I'd like to at least do that once before my time here has run its course...hopefully im still in good condition to swing just in case liiiiiiikkeee....lmao I'm joking but a part of me is very, very serious. The dawg part haha.

Also, I'm in a creative rut. The content I want to make takes way too much time for the quality I'd like to provide. I need to finesse my free time because aint nothing free round this mug...very expensive, very pricey, very luxurious lol

I've been told that someone actually likes reading these.... who woulda thunk? haha so I'll get back to it. 

Love ya!

💚deena