I'm Still Here

 Hey!

Lots has happened, life has been moving fast. I'm soaking it all in and trying to remain humble, focused, healthy...most importantly. 

Let's start with my promotion at work. Woohooo!! yea, that's that lol

Its a new experience with triple the workload and the same pay but my schedule is fire and my team is just as amazing.

Tina's graduating...I suck at planning and so, i have yet to mail invitations/tickets and its literally 20 days away. I could be doing that instead of this but I'm also working...multi tasking. 

Invitations should be virtual these days anyway. Graduating is expensive and that should change. instead of dropping 4K on graduation stuff, why not invest that in your child's first car/ apartment/ college/ anything tf else. when is she ever going to use this gown again? ya know? Anyway, don't get me started lmao

Saw SZA in Atlanta and lost my shit. It was such an outer body experience, it made me want to revisit some friendships that never really got properly closed/ended. I love my friends and sometimes life causes us to grow apart. Before I enter a new world/life, I want those people to know how they've impacted my life because they're special to me. and will be forever, even if our lives don't align to where we can be around each other in the real world.

Anyway, back to baby girl and the short king, Kendick Lamar...wow, what a vibe. I was inspired, infuriated, sad, turnt, reminiscent...uughgghhghg. 

At one point I felt a little beside myself. I was crying profusely to Kitchen and next thing you know, the same tears streaming canals of sorrow through my snot are bouncing off my titties as I'm twerking to Rich Baby Daddy. Fucking Beautiful. What a fucking experience, yo. What an experience...

You should subscribe to my youtube channel for real...that's where I'm most consistent...ly in a good mood lmao. I guess I choose different avenues for different moods. I use writing for when I don't want to hear or say the words that express my thoughts/feelings...or whatever. 

I've been encouraged to write poetry but I don't know about that. I know I'm a writer, and I'm sure it will come naturally. Just don't know what I would talk about and if it would be worth the revelation...

Is it worth it? All of the things and experiences in my life that I would want to express in poetry are sensitive...private...triggering lmao. I'd have to get clever af with my word play but ya know I love a challenge.

Lately things have been interesting at home...not good or bad, just interesting. I can't even really get too deep into it but I'm torn.

My passion is expression. I'm my happiest when I'm creating alone. I love to dance and sing and be funny...but uhh....eehhhnnn fuck lmao nevermind. See what happens when you advertise your stuff? People actually read it...and then they're invested, and they know too much and then I'm like dang I wanna tell yall but maybe I probably shouldn't because who's even reading this?? aagghh

Welp, glad that's out of my system haha. but no, I just think I have a bit of uproar in my chakras, and I need to realign myself and uuhh...balance that mofo. Maybe I need some isolation? That always helps me in the real world but really sucks for consistency if my goal is to build an audience...the waves of life...or the internet lol life is gonna life, whether I'm balanced or not but I have the choice of what energy I choose to share on here. I have a private journal also but I refrain from writing some things in there too.

I'm just careful with what I put into words on paper. I believe it matters in the universal scheme of things to some capacity. I've used journaling to manifest a positive perspective on life and my requests were fulfilled. I can't imagine if I wrote something negative or counterproductive to success and peace...yikes, who would I be?

I won't leave you hanging though...so long story short:

As I grow and change into who I'll ultimately be by the end of this life, I want to be sure that my light doesn't blind anyone around me from seeing my intentions and my purpose and my spiritual fulfillment in what I do. I want to be able to shine my light freely, shamelessly...I already have a hard time being who I am in the real world, that's not the real me. Granted, I don't have to record and share everything but I want to. Recording who I really am is my effort to give my kids, grandkids, family, friends, coworkers, whoever gives a fuck...who I am for real, through all the bs decisions and crazy, stressful, low days...I have good days and I am a light of belief in all things are possible through effort. I want to document it all. I want my friends to see me because I don't have time in my real life to see them. I'm occupied making sure I divide my time between my family and my job...its hard and sometimes I feel lonely...not alone necessarily but just lonely. Holding in the things I love to do for sake of the comfort of everyone around me...suffocating, disheartening, kinda makes me want to rebel but I'm mature enough to control the urge...ionno yall, I'm just venting. Maybe it's a phase and I'm trippin but the way I'm locked in with the universe...I'm never too far off with my vibe analysis lmao. EVER YALL ...

Support and encouragement is always nice and reassuring. Accommodation can be uncomfortable and feel stifling but...in life, it's necessary?...yea.

But whatever...I want to end on a good note because I'm in a good head space lol but that's just been on my mind and I thought Id share since it's been a while.