March and then...April

 I know yall, I was doing so well...

I'm one of those creative people who needs an audience. If I don't get some reciprocity, I tend to get distracted with other creative outlets/opportunities that are more immediately rewarding to my ego. i'm just being honest lmao

I also thought...wow, I don't want anyone to read my journal, actually. I dont know if it's ok for all of you to know the real me yet haha

2025 has been cray cray tho, March was a blur...

The girls went to Cali with one of my top 5 most influential people. That was beautiful. I was invited but I'm not ready for that. The storyline behind this one's just too good to spill for free but long story short, the consequences of my decisions created some distance and space and now life is bringing it around full circle. I'm grateful that my babies have a wide network of loving family members. They really are good wherever they go. 

Anyway, they had a blast and I'm going to join next time. I'm always hesitant to reconnect with people who I assume I hurt or embarrassed...and I def avoid people who hurt me like the plague lol. There are always a couple that I'm forced to face due to the constraints of the universe but with time, those interactions aren't painful or anxious at all anymore.

Been in my feels lately...weird feels. Can't/don't want to talk about it. Not sure I'd be understood properly (aka told what I want to hear vs what I NEED to hear lol) My thoughts are definitely manifesting into a powerful thing that I...ionno...I know I need to recenter my priorities, I'll leave it there lol

Also! No, I don't write on here like I wanted to but i do write in my actual physical journal daily. Just a side note for those of you questioning the validity of the power of writing your thoughts. I may not always do it for the www but I def always be doin it....pause haha

I have a new career. It's all I can think about, really... but at the same time, I don't talk about it much. I feel kind of self-centered or gloat-ish when I do. Everybody has something going on and I feel awkward sharing exciting news...like I'm overshadowing their woes. But lowkey im hype as fuck and super proud of myself. I've never had an experience like this. Like whaaattt? Me, bitch? But i hate yall lmao jk It's been an interesting adjustment that has truly forced me to do a lot of self reflecting.

I was actually in a toxic, co dependent co-worker environment. I get that often...odd but I'm never surprised? People tend to cling to me. I'm an honest, nice person with positive, big momma energy and a smile to match...it can be intoxicating, I get it lol Although I like to be friendly, I also enjoy and value my space. Creating boundaries can be awkward for people who expect you to like them as much as they like you. I have a different approach...I'm going to be my authentic self with pure intentions and rock from there. It's common for people to assume I like to be around/talk to people. I loathe human interaction...especially forced shit. like no really, we don't have to do this, I'm fine lol.

My new work group is cool....quiet. I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs to get to my office. I was looking around the table at our safety meeting/ice cream party last Thursday and there's no way we're ALL taking these stairs. They're eating hot dogs and full blown Mississippi breakfast bowls daily. Half of these mfs would be on FMLA after that lateral hike...easily. I'm half their age and the stairs are literally "one step away" from ending me every morning. MIND YOU, I work in an area where safety is essential so I'm climbing these concrete flights in a hard hat and steel-toed boots with my laptop, lunch, water jug....yea. My new goal for this year is to find that elevator/teleporter/whatever the fuck 350lb Tim is using. Needless to say, I missed out on silk press season. That sucked but I'm going to give roller set season a try.

I'm going to se SZA and Kendrick in a couple weeks. Can't/can wait...as mentioned before, I dont like crowds lol but I love music and lately have been stepping out of my comfort zone by attending concerts. I've seen Erika Badu, Joe, Fantasia, Cee-lo, plenty of comedians, and now SZA? 

I would've been ok without going but I need more memories with my older girls before they start their independent lives and get too busy, married, or mommied to spend time with me. Plus, I need more memories with my sister and my niece...good memories are important. Reflecting on fun times helps me get through bad times but I think that theory only works if you have more good than bad memories stored...makes sense to me lol.

I'm in a foggy space fr. I want to do so much and don't know where to start because I'd have to pick something else up while my hands are overflowing.

I coach Tball...i've been doing it for a little over a year now. One of my player's parents asked if I do private coaching...I'm like nah. But you know me, my wheels start turning like the gears on a steam engine locomotive chile...chugga chugga chugga.(do only coal fired engines chugga?? the wheels are moving and that's the bigger picture lol) I was thinking I could offer private lessons...I love coaching tball and my players and families love me as their coach. And I could get some extra coins. Big bags, hello lol. In my best wayne voice " the money is the mo-tive" I just couldn't do it alone or with my full time career move.

Speaking of things I couldn't do, I had to take a break from school. I was disappointed but my new job allows for zero opportunity to do extracurricular anything. I have to do my content, schoolwork, grocery shopping, appointment scheduling, budgeting, etc off the clock. Almost impossible and very much overwhelming some days. I'm a soldier tho, it's nothing I'm not prepared to handle with grace but damn, life was more chill than I realized lol. Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone?"

I'm realizing that I need to work on regulating my intrusive thoughts. I've always had an issue with turning on my filter while trying to sift through strong feelings. I interpret intense urges to express what's on my mind as whispers from a higher power chanting "Say it! Say it! Say It!"

I wish I kept more to myself sometimes, but I wouldn't be me...because I also understand that in this lifetime, your relationships and the time you have to build them are not guaranteed. If I feel like I'm proud of or supportive of someone, I tell them. If I love my friends or miss them, I let them know. 

Not sure if this is "dark" but realistically, what if they never see me again? What if I don't get to see them or talk to them again? I want them to know before I go, whenever that's going to be, that I value their presence and appreciate them. Or that they have a booger sitting int he bottom left nostril. I'm gonna tell you because I care lol Plus! What if no one else tells them how great they are? how will they ever know for sure that they're making progress without trusted genuine feedback from a Gemini queen such as myself? 

Friends I used to love and be close with grow further away as the years pass and that makes me sad because I want to be included in celebrating their milestones without it being...ya know, awkward. 

But then again, this could be me overthinking, swimming too deep into the shallow things...everything that is shallow.

Welp! Anyway, bye yall 

💚deena