Although I will admit that I believe thoroughly in my goals for this year, I feel that something is missing. I'm not sure exactly what but of course (as usually do) I'll figure it out after I fill up the missing space...I'm not sure how much sense that made but hey, if it came from the soul, it can't be wrong.
I'm not usually comfortable discussing my personal life on the Internet but I really need to clear my head if I plan on seeing any light whatsoever in the tunnel that I've found myself trapped in.
My love and I are doing very well. I'm very thankful to have come as far as I have with my man by my side... Lately little things are big things though and i can't understand why. It's not one of us in particular because we're both very good-spirited people with rational thought processes...but somethin' ain't right you know?
This is a little difficult for me because I've never been in a situation like this before...well not "situation" but relationship. We've overcome so many obstacles and come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before. I just can't pin-point what exactly is making us frustrated so easily. We don't ever yell but we do get to a point where it's difficult to speak to one another without "back-tracking" or getting offended or just quietly coming to a mutual "fuck it" and then it's awkward silence.
Do I play a part in this? Of course...I'm probably the one who gets to the "fuck it" cross-road first. I'm not proud of that and I find almost no humor in that part of my personality. I wish I could "fix" it but it's hard to change a 20+ yr habit. And when I try to look back on how my parents resolved their issues for a lil insight/reflective example...I find that I am greeted with a large blur of nothing. I've never seen a functioning relationship as far as effective discussion tactics are concerned. In my household, alot of times it either was what it was or there was no talking at all. Literally. Issues would end in silence but never get resolved. I've never really been a fan of bad communication but I've realized that the only way to classify something as "bad", is to know what "good" is. After a semi-dreadful morning commute to my hellish place of moldy employment and an argument that I still have no clue how to re-address at this point, I think I just want to cry.
But I haven't had time yet.
I hate scheduling a good cry but every girl needs one here and there...it's just difficult to scratch up those same things that made you upset 12 hours ago. I just feel like my Benz is on E in the middle of nowhere with no phone service or any idea of where the fuck I'm at...just alone.
I almost feel like in order to address the issue, I'll have to apologize for my awkward silence or I'll have to be re-pissed if the conversation doesn't go as planned. No one who plans an entire conversation is ever satisfied with the result though. I learned that while attempting to "cake" like a dork in middle school...but now what? Where do I start? And why do I have to start the conversation anyway? Like, why the hell am i the one who's sorry? We were both out of line (me less out of line according to 1/3 parts of the story of course). I don't feel as though I hurt any one's feelings though, and I don't want to be a whiny bitch and be like "OMG...you definitely hurt my feelings 10 hours ago" with the boo-boo face. Only because that's just not my style. I like to think that I put on a tough exterior and I have more than enough pride...that's not really working for me in my relationship though. I need the Lord to flick the answer into my head...and make it translate nicely and calmly when it leaves out of my mouth. Then I need for the Lord to flick him in the head as well...of course with the same effect. That would be perfect! Let us pray, shall we?
Dear Lord, please help me find peace within myself so that I can approach my loved one with an open heart, an open mind, and 2 open ears. I want to love this person for the rest of my earthly existence and I know that I can only do my part by improving myself. I don't always know which way is the right way to do that, though. Here's where you'd come in, hopefully sooner than later. Of course I have faith that this will pass, I just need to be faithful that it's passing for good...not just for now. I also pray that you help my Bazzy to grow as well. That way we can teach each other what we're learning as we grow instead of sharing this general frustration with all of life's unpredictable obstacles. I want peace and love and laughter in my home, not silence. If at all possible, help me understand me. Help me learn who I am so that I can help learn who my man is. I know that once I learn myself, I can learn him, and once I have grown to be more knowledgeable about the two of us, I will be better at understanding us as a unit. As these are not wishes, but goals, I am positive that I will put forth every effort that I can in order to achieve this place in life. I need your guidance though,; I want to be sure that I maintain a certain level of patience and sympathy when we find that we can't agree right away on some things.
Can I get a AMEN?
#wishmeluck
I'm not usually comfortable discussing my personal life on the Internet but I really need to clear my head if I plan on seeing any light whatsoever in the tunnel that I've found myself trapped in.
My love and I are doing very well. I'm very thankful to have come as far as I have with my man by my side... Lately little things are big things though and i can't understand why. It's not one of us in particular because we're both very good-spirited people with rational thought processes...but somethin' ain't right you know?
This is a little difficult for me because I've never been in a situation like this before...well not "situation" but relationship. We've overcome so many obstacles and come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before. I just can't pin-point what exactly is making us frustrated so easily. We don't ever yell but we do get to a point where it's difficult to speak to one another without "back-tracking" or getting offended or just quietly coming to a mutual "fuck it" and then it's awkward silence.
Do I play a part in this? Of course...I'm probably the one who gets to the "fuck it" cross-road first. I'm not proud of that and I find almost no humor in that part of my personality. I wish I could "fix" it but it's hard to change a 20+ yr habit. And when I try to look back on how my parents resolved their issues for a lil insight/reflective example...I find that I am greeted with a large blur of nothing. I've never seen a functioning relationship as far as effective discussion tactics are concerned. In my household, alot of times it either was what it was or there was no talking at all. Literally. Issues would end in silence but never get resolved. I've never really been a fan of bad communication but I've realized that the only way to classify something as "bad", is to know what "good" is. After a semi-dreadful morning commute to my hellish place of moldy employment and an argument that I still have no clue how to re-address at this point, I think I just want to cry.
But I haven't had time yet.
I hate scheduling a good cry but every girl needs one here and there...it's just difficult to scratch up those same things that made you upset 12 hours ago. I just feel like my Benz is on E in the middle of nowhere with no phone service or any idea of where the fuck I'm at...just alone.
I almost feel like in order to address the issue, I'll have to apologize for my awkward silence or I'll have to be re-pissed if the conversation doesn't go as planned. No one who plans an entire conversation is ever satisfied with the result though. I learned that while attempting to "cake" like a dork in middle school...but now what? Where do I start? And why do I have to start the conversation anyway? Like, why the hell am i the one who's sorry? We were both out of line (me less out of line according to 1/3 parts of the story of course). I don't feel as though I hurt any one's feelings though, and I don't want to be a whiny bitch and be like "OMG...you definitely hurt my feelings 10 hours ago" with the boo-boo face. Only because that's just not my style. I like to think that I put on a tough exterior and I have more than enough pride...that's not really working for me in my relationship though. I need the Lord to flick the answer into my head...and make it translate nicely and calmly when it leaves out of my mouth. Then I need for the Lord to flick him in the head as well...of course with the same effect. That would be perfect! Let us pray, shall we?
Dear Lord, please help me find peace within myself so that I can approach my loved one with an open heart, an open mind, and 2 open ears. I want to love this person for the rest of my earthly existence and I know that I can only do my part by improving myself. I don't always know which way is the right way to do that, though. Here's where you'd come in, hopefully sooner than later. Of course I have faith that this will pass, I just need to be faithful that it's passing for good...not just for now. I also pray that you help my Bazzy to grow as well. That way we can teach each other what we're learning as we grow instead of sharing this general frustration with all of life's unpredictable obstacles. I want peace and love and laughter in my home, not silence. If at all possible, help me understand me. Help me learn who I am so that I can help learn who my man is. I know that once I learn myself, I can learn him, and once I have grown to be more knowledgeable about the two of us, I will be better at understanding us as a unit. As these are not wishes, but goals, I am positive that I will put forth every effort that I can in order to achieve this place in life. I need your guidance though,; I want to be sure that I maintain a certain level of patience and sympathy when we find that we can't agree right away on some things.
Can I get a AMEN?
#wishmeluck
loooooooove this:
ReplyDelete"I hate scheduling a good cry but every girl needs one here and there...it's just difficult to scratch up those same things that made you upset 12 hours ago. I just feel like my Benz is on E in the middle of nowhere with no phone service or any idea of where the fuck I'm at...just alone." cause I feel it...an im prolly gonna qoute you in my next post. :)
I LOVE YOU. I will pray in agreement with you! Cause one thing I do know is that God hears our prayers even when we feel like he's not listening.
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