life,in general ...

I hate my job...i love the money that comes with it but everyday i start my computer, i cant help but realize how the world would still spin if i wasnt sitting there. everytime i've ever been employed and gottent hat feeling, i was either fired (damn you,jimmy johns) or quit...and most might say i'm young and just dont kno when ive got it good but hear me out first...as im sure if this post is ever discovered by my supervisor or boss i might be released anyway?

I have no problem with taking direction and doing things for my boss if they pertain to my job...i dont like looking for lowest prices on luggage that wont ever be purchased anyway for a trip that wont happen for another 6 months.and i hate bonding.me and my mother are just fine and we hardly ever bond. peolpe that try to bond with me end up doing alot of venting to me about how distant i am. my definition of bonding with someone includes farting in unison, picking on my mothers large ass, and making weird faces just to realize how pretty we are even wen we looked fucked up...i dont like "girl" talk.i watch enough of that shit on television and then get nauceous at how little they complain about important shit. i dont like sharing clothes and shopping "together"...so when i come to work, im not in the mood to discuss anything of that nature. a little chat is fine, but everyday conversation about our lives are bound to lead into an unintended friendship...and friends hang out when theyre off the clock.and im not down with that shit.thats right, i am deena young, and i aint down with that girly bonding shit. it drives me crazy...like literally im miserable.

i told my mom a shorter, edited version of that and she told me to shut the hell up and get my paycheck...so i did.that was 4 months ago.

now that its built up, im at a dead end.i just hate gossip and it seems like my boss feeds off of it.you ever had a friend who was friends with EVERYBODY and everybody loved ur friend..but as soon as it was just the 2 of you,they talked demonically about every single person theyve ever met.and all u could do was cringe at the fact that as soon as u left,u were the next victim?thats how i felt until about 2 weeks ago.she totally did it to me face,and not behind my back.but the worst part was it wasnt just the 2 of us...all of my coworkers were present.all i could do was sit there and take it.my whole nerve system was like "Punch her, Deena. Just do it!" but i was frozen.i couldnt believe my boss was counting my calorie intake in front of my coworkers and pointing out how fat my thighs have gotten and how "healthy" i look compared to her...

my boss is on a diet and is adiment about not eating all the shit i eat.she always offers me the stuff she cant eat...like doughnuts,chocolate, pound cake, ice cream, pizza, chinese food and as soon as i get into it, "oh can i just have a little didit of that?"...FUCK NO.because i'm not eating it...u can have it all.

Ten minutes later, i was a 3month member of the online weight watchers club.my plan was to secretly lose 10lbs then rub it in her face everytime she offered me something to eat.but then everybody figured out i was on weight watchers (except her of course) and she made it a point to bring me a pound cake the day after she called me a fat ass!(i didnt eat the cake btw) i wanted to do something evil,but safe.ive been trying to find a way to remove the wheels from her office chair without anyone noticing and then blame it on her weight...but ive been late to work ever since that day.

i gave up on weight watchers about a week later...but thats not the point.what about my self esteem??

i dont know what to do anymore.everything annoys me.and because my boss always gave me non job related shit to do, when she asks me to do important stuff, im irritated.like extremely.i end up not doing it...because i know shell never ask for it.i need a new place and i saw this coming because im not the type to stay in one place for a long time but i never thought it would be this stressful.

by the time i pick up the girls, as soon as they say "mommy!!!!??" i usually say "WHAT DO YOU WANT!I AM NOT BUYING YOUR ONIONS!!!!" -_-....

i think i still want to take the wheels off the chair...its a simple prank.no harm could be done i guess...i mean, i think its pretty damn funny, but i also think its funny when people dont like me so maybe im not the proper person to judge the situation.?lol