Wateverr

soo...lorne broke up with me....
which is fine becuz yes,we were growing apart.but at the same time,i was more pissed than sad or disappointed becuz im goin thru some deep shit u kno and i told him from the beginning of me feeling like this...wen he was goin thru his lil phase i was there every step of the damn way,making sure he was ok and trying to help him talk about shit and get it out of his system but the minute im feeling distant,he cant take it?watever...thts jus some bull...i wish tht i was in my right mind cuz thn maybe i wouldve sed something at the time of the break up instead of just shrugging my shoulders but u kno wat?im semi over it...not really but watever.its just extra fucked up tht i gave 10000000%and he gave like 10%...maybe....on a good day.and thennn it was crazy cuz ive asked him if sumthin was rong with us and he was tellin me yes but he ddnt care cuz he would help me thru it like i helped him thru his shit...wat the hell ever.maybe theres jus no one out there tht can handle me at my worst,cuz fyi,tht shit does exist.yes im a happy goofy person but i have deep emotions and wen im goin thru sumthin,i cant help but show it,esp if its tearing me up and ive found it to be impossible to find a dude tht can ride with me on some gangster level type ish u kno.i did so much for this dude,put so much of my time,energy,and money into tht shit and it just ended without any effort to save the shit.and hes walked out on me,slammin doors and actin wack and i ddnt break up with him,but wen i dnt respond to a text a few times,he feels distant and ends it...thts stupid.
every winter i feel so low.i think its me cuz only 2 ppl have ever made me feel tht way and lornes not one of them.but yea,december is just full of so much sad shit,i casn never find happiness in december unless im super high and even then,i feel evn more disconnected cuz after i smoke,i cry my high away and eat a fuckin burger and take my sad ass to sleep.and this is every single winter since like 8th grade.and every guy thts ever dated me around this time of year would probly agree tht i act like a totally diff deena once december hits....it has to be me bcuz this always happens around the same time of year...if its not an abortion attempt,baby emergency,flu,therapists,or some other shit,its a failed relationship.so...fuck a boyfriend.i love love but ill jus have to get over tht shit and ride solo until i get all of my shit right and find someone who doesnt need me but can help me and my family...mmhmm...movin on.

damn december,y ya gotta be so cold...
-deena-