The other day I wrote about how I need stronger boundaries.
I stood by that shit lmao. It's unfortunate for some but...not for me. I generally don't consider myself selfish but it's ok to be that way...i think. Ionno, I'm always defaulted to put my kids at the forefront of most of my decisions. Next lifetime, I'm making decisions based off of my own satisfaction. I'll probably have less children but def more money lmao (kiddinnng👀) 😭
Besides the things I can't talk about openly...
I need to let things go. Bad bad. Especially if it's inconsistent, unreliable, and really just stringing me along in this lifetime as they please. It's not weird for me, I do understand.
I am fairly strong mentally so "hurt" is loosely used here but def disappointed. The character development that's sure to follow will be crazy but marching through this swamp of shit is taxing for every normal braincell i have left.
When i tell you...day in and day ouuuuttt 😭 Literally just kinda...ugh. With myself. Clear that up haha Don't ever expect anyone to behave the way you would. The only reason they'd ever do that is if they were you...ya know what I mean? So yea, I'm mad at myself and I feel very, very goofy. Not in my normal cute giggly way, either nigga. I feel played and I also have a gut feeling that I'm being played by multiple people? Like the clown that's playing in my face has friends in the circus...Just scooting around in a lil punch buggy, honking at me. What am I doing? Ionno..I was clapping and dancing along for a while but now I'm over it and I'm trying to find an opening in the tent to get back to my car and get tf out of sight.
I don't want any parts of anything anymore...at least not anything that isn't MINE. When I say "mine", i mean literally belonging to me. My legs, my hair, my feelings. I'm sick of bending over...bout time i do the bendin type shit lmfao
But really, I'm too nice. Where people get confused is I'm only too nice when I like you. I'm naturally too mean lol So for me to be a nice person..ehn...frustrating feeling for sure lol
I don't know, I'm venting about nothing, really. If I don't write it down, it'll circulate while I eat my avocado for lunch today. I wanna enjoy that mf in peace while I watch Judge Judy...not think about if I'll get a call or a text or whatevveerrr.
Shit's gay. (like, 90's gay lol not 2025 gay)
I know this may not make much sense to you because I understand how vague my dilemma is.
Do know this:
If they want to, they will.
If you let them, they'll try.
If you watch, they'll show you.
Nurturing yourself creates a world that nourishes everything you plant.
You and all that comes from you is worthy of growing.
And if someone says they'll do something and they don't...without a check in, clearly cancelling with you, or multiple times lacking the follow through...there's your answer to whatever doubts or questions you may have.
The answers are often clear. When they don't align with our expectations is when it gets tricky but trust your gut, babe.
You know how birds know when it's about to storm, dogs know when the mail is coming, moms know when you're lying...these are natural instincts. I know we're intellectually unmatched as a species but we're animals with animalistic survival skills. That's my philosophy, anyway. I trust my gut like I trust coffee to clean me out.
Isn't it funny - if people tell you who you are enough, you start to subconsciously embody that trait.
For example, Smiley. I'm the saddest, lowest version of myself as an adult as I've ever been and these mfs immediately upon meeting me, call me Smiley. What do I do now? Smile...Hey there!🙂Good morning!😁head ahhh
I hate that shit fr. With my whole body. I don't want to be friends with my coworkers but i dont mind being friend-ly...HERE. There's a very large age gap, and an even larger complexion gap. Its a demographic thing, not personal. They couldn't change it if they tried lol. In fact, I'd always be suspicious that they're only being that version of themselves, whatever that may look like, because they're around me. That's the difference with coworkers and real friends. Real friends can be themselves...for free cuz they wanna be, not because you'd like it.
Don't get me wrong, this is a summary of the root cause of my disinterest. But i noticed we were....I was different in more ways than one...my humor, what i consider work attire, what i consider appropriate water cooler talk, their grandkids are my age...the grandkids they hate fr and judge with the rest of these mfs lol. Based on what I've heard about the grands, they are relatable and I don't see the problem...but it's because I'm in my 30s too lmao.
Coworkers are paid to be cordial and encouraged to get to know each other to make for a cohesive work environment - a team. In a different environment though? Maaannnnn if you don't get tf out my face at this R&B night, Meredith lmfao Let's be foreal, what could I do with my coworkers off the clock that's appropriate as friends?? If yall ever see me out and about with my coworkers, I'm being held against my will and there's a larger plot that needs immediate intervention and investigation.
Sorry this is a long one...I'm flowing haha
Yea so I got here today, and I hadn't had any of my natural herbs. "Hey Smiley! You look lost...did ya smoke you some weed on ur way here?"
Nigga, I'm sorry...what?
So I said "No, but I wish I did now" lmfao
Like yes, I'm optimistic, young and brown but I'm the shittiest shit talker in this bitch...I try to keep it cute because there's no turning back after I let mine fly. I'm talkin' R Kelly mixed with the pretty wangs, hoe...I beeellieeve I can flyyyyyy haha I'm funny af lmao awww man...wow..yea
So anyway yea, my coworkers are great people, actually. I just like them as coworkers in this story of mine. They're not one of those characters that has growth and development over the lifespan of the show. Like nah...your coworker #1 nigga. And you're #2, #3, #4...etc lol
There are a couple of coworkers who I add a name too. They've been vetted though and don't work with me at all lol we just are employed by the same company. Our jobs aren't directly correlated so when i do see them outside of work, that's the only time I even see them = not weird at all. To see you M-F and then on Saturday too...for free while I'm probably spending money.
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