I can't share this but...I will lmao
I'm kidding but I'm trying to be patient and wait for some of my temporary turbulence to subside...Maybe my thoughts will clear up when I have less on my plate.
The real puzzle is how to clear my plate; and what would that even look like? What is this massive morsel, taking up all of my daily recommended intake?
I'm going to church. I need it and can't deny or hide anymore. Well I think I need it. Idk...I just hate the social part of it. I'm truly horrified about people asking me about myself and getting to know me at 2 places...work and church. Those are already 2 different versions of me right there lmao and don't let a coworker invite me...now I really don't know who to be lmao
To be honest...like real honest...
I'm embarrassed or ashamed of some of the parts of my life. They're the odd, unique things. I know it's normal to feel that way but the depth that I feel it is crippling. My husband isn't a church guy...neither of us have been. I was raised as a catholic though and that foundation really never goes away. No matter how unholy my decisions have been lmao
I know I need to at least try to seek peace. That's all I'm yearning for. Yearning bruh...yeeeaarrnnningggg fr.
I was built to survive this lifetime, but im tired of surviving and the universe is like "that's tew dayumn bayyd!"😭.
All of the obstacles, circumstances, struggles, and unbelievable stories of survival were exciting. Im impressed with myself sometimes when i have a chance to step back and observe my journey so far...not constantly but usually a birthday revelation for me.
Some of those situations made me think I needed more money, more work, more ambition, more confidence, more self-awareness, more more more...less friends, less family, less love, less dependency, less, less, less...
I'm in a different place and I just really want peace and harmony in every part of my life. In every relationship, every source of income and financial obligation, every opportunity and the effort it takes to accomplish goals...I want all that shit N'sync like "Its gonna be maayyy"
And so I went to church with a good friend of mine. I couldn't stop crying. So embarrassing 😕 I mean waves and waves. I tried to keep it together but for the most part, the love was very overwhelming.
I didn't have any money when i started motherhood but i found a daycare that agreed to help me so i could work. I got hired at a Jimmy Johns and started to pay but my "salary" wasn't enough to keep up with anything except buying lunch and dinner for me and my 2 older girls at the time really...I stopped paying homegirl at the daycare and skipped when it accrued to over 400 bucks I think. Never saw her again...until Sunday, at this church lmao. I recognized her from her eyes. She has eyes of a grandma...the grandmas who always have hard candy in their purse and money in their bra. Her smile too. Started crying immediately. I don't know if i was joyful or sad but as we embraced, I prayed she wouldn't ask about the money lmao it was 15 years ago but I woulda asked haha. I'm not saved tho, maybe that's why she didn't ask. God must've took care of it for her...or the universe is bringing me full circle to pay my debts and make this right. Who knows? Lmao 😂
My overthinking ass 🙃
Oh right, embarrassed...my man is not coming to church. Literally will not happen as of today. It could change, I hope it does but for now, I have to go alone and that's embarrassing because niggas is nosey and I am prideful. Like a man's level of pride, can be confused with stubborn at times but it's really pride tho lmao.
I pray for peace in my life. Expeditiously.
I enjoyed myself at church and I needed it. I'm going back next week. It's kinda far but I loved being there. Id love to bring the kids because their friends are there but thats another thing ill have to uhh...give to God.
34 is going to be another year of self-discovery. This chapter will be "34: Blessed and Highly Favored"
Periodt😌
💚deena
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