This is...

This is refreshing haha. Ionno yall...my thoughts start flowing and the creative block just crumbles away.

I'm getting a ton of relief from this so, maybe writing is one of my selfish activities? If you're reading this, you probably know me in real life to some capacity. Or have known me in the past...Strangers aren't usually curious enough to read about someone else. 

I mean...all the clicking required and remembering to check back if something's new? Yea, witcha nosey ahhh lmao jk but really though, I'm glad you're here. I probably don't talk you on this level in person, but that's only because I'd probably rather make you laugh while I'm with you than dump all my endless thoughts out. But here? You came here for this...so yea, happy to see ya lol

Plus, I write in here to clear my head of all the emotional stuff. I don't have time or room in my regular life for that to stay in my mind or on my heart. I'm remembering too much shit like whats for dinner, my next meeting, birthdays, appointments, field trips...so, to also have FEELINGS at the same time is just egregious. I mean, who tf do I think I am?

Is that sad? Is that mom life or just MY life?

I don't read any other personal blogs but I guess because I'm writing in my own. I don't even really my own. Welllll...let me clarify.

If/when I revisit something in here, I'm revisiting a memory. But I haven't re-read anything I've posted this year (yet). That's the fun part for me. Kinda like saving money for a year in a pickle jar without counting it. Then, when it's full you get to look back and be like daaaayyyyyuuuumn, I said that? lmao I love growth. It's the most beautiful experience I've had so far in this lifetime. 

Um..but yea...

I have these photo albums in my living room. I wanted to send my old friends photos of us as kids...some of them are hard to reach, but I'm sure I am too. Is it distance in time? Is it space? 

Is it something else? What could that even mean? Don't mind me lol I overthink because I'm solution driven. Ms. Fix it fast aka reckless, but efficient lol 

I understand that we aren't who we were when we knew each other... I've been told that I hold on to things for too long. I know I do, and that's frustrating to me. It's not easy to hold on to things. For me, the hard part is holding on AND letting go. It's complex to explain but I'm sure if you get it, you know what I'm sayin. Things, people, places. Why not keep the dream alive though if I love it or it brings me peace or a good memory...like why not? Da fuq? 

Long story short, I'm keeping the pictures for myself lmao

I guess now that my older girls are more independent, I have some time to sift through...feelings lmao. Haven't really done that since my motherhood journey began, I guess? Not like this. This is deep lately.

I'm having a ball creating, I will attest to that. I feel so unbothered. Nothing has been able to disrupt my peace on a spiritual level which is a relief. I'm glad I decided to create and feel simultaneously. That's helpful for me...it's giving full circle. Feelings help create, creation helps process the feelings...like, yea.This is right up my alley... Heavy on the rotationnnn hehe

Birthday party...yea fuck it. I don't even like parties like that. I want my family/friends together, but I don't know if they'll like each other. All my close friends and I are introverts lmao we all like our individual connections but I've never brought them all around each other...the thought of even planning that shit makes me not wanna do it. It would be nice if someone just planned something for me...my birthday is pretty routine on the calendar lmao like damn! yall know I dont do this well, do it for me. That's what I would do...But ya know, can't realistically expect anyone to read my anxious mind. If they wanted to try though, this is the place to start lol. Or just ask...I'm a very open person usually (if prompted haha) 

Not a surprise party or anything big necessarily but even an invitation to the disco or sumn damn haha. I hate asking people to do things for me...to remember me. Like if you don't remember or feel moved to celebrate with or for me, I understand and I'm cool. Probably won't even mention it. Asking or reminding makes it feel like I'm planning it, which would defeat the purpose. 

Y'all ever know someone who's like "You forgot my birthday last week". Like, ok bitch and how old are you? As long as YOU remember it, what's the problem? forgive me wtf lmao 

I do love when people do things on their own...because they just want to, not because I asked. That's awkward for me to do. Not awkward, but terrifying. I f I ask for anything...it took me a long fucking time to ask you haha I'm afraid of hearing no, it's humiliating to me. "To me."...In general, "no" is very ok and very normal and definitely a reasonable option to use when answering any question lmao.

Not sure why I'm like that...probably linked to some kind of childhood trauma with rejection or lack of hugs or something ionno lmao I know I don't and won't ask for anything more than once. I'm not going to be the one initiating a request of any sort over and over; work, home, friends, whateva do it or don't (either is ok) but umm...me asking and begging like a lil dog? No...even if I wanted to, my pride is too big for that level of groveling. I'm a BIG DAWG. I'll ask nicely once and then after that...I just take shit round here...with my teeth lol

If you're reading this..

Thank you!

💚deena