Cut It, Cut It, Cut It

My mind is racing this morning...i like it, but maybe I'm rambling? Read it or don't ionno what to tell ya, my friend lol

I'm back for another round today...

Now that I've returned, I feel my anxiety slowly leaving my brain and peace is returning haha. Gotta get some shit off my chest while everything is in alignment, big dawg haha.

Alrighty so another thing that has me in an uproar is balancing real life with imaginary. It's so blurred these days...my "soul tie" could actually just be an obsession that would've easily faded if it were like 1980-sumn and the internet didn't exist. That would be great...I'd have no means to hold this fucking knot together haha. No google...just forced to go to a library and browse intensely for more information...I'm far too "flighty" to commit to something like that lol

But I'm not here to discuss soul ties again...I'll spare you the torture hehe

I wanna talk about people. Generally, no one specifically...yet bwahahahaaa lol kidding...I'm past that stage of my life. Now, I say it to their face first before you get to read about it lmao. 

I get frustrated with "people dynamics". Specifically, the way the "how" affects the "who"... when "how" i know someone subliminally dictates how I approach them...or don't approach them. Like, because last time I saw you, you were an asshole, I have no desire to approach you. But that's not fair because people grow, feelings and behaviors grow/develop/fade. 

The boundary is more of a learned/taught boundary based on the response I received...but like...it's not even a real boundary, it's assumed. 

It's all in my head, but a piece of me thinks, no bitch. They were dropping a hint and you're intentionally ignoring it because it's not in alignment with what you wanted to hear. You're very much giving crazy delusional fairy goddess... 

Does that make sense? 

Also, it's unfortunate when people assume there's an underlying implication of desire when really, sometimes you just want to be supportive. I'm a creator, I understand the reason for sharing is for reciprocity...feedback, engagement, building an audience who appreciates your unique amazingness. I'm a supportive person for that reason, in general. I believe I was born into the world to motivate others to be the best version of their authentic selves...and yea, that's how I'm coming into every room, every space, every time.

Some people see it as something different and that part...that part is interesting to me. Like, da fuq is you going through where you think I want anything beyond conversation prior to ever even having a conversation with me? You are truly ruining the experience I came here for with your...ehn ionno tho cuz at the same time, I get it. It's probably a me thing. I should know better than to expect people to be more or less than human...Who tf am I, anyway?

I try to be patient......"What's this lesson going to be about?" or sometimes it's a " This is a test, bitch. Run and don't look back"...sometimes idk wtf is going on but it just doesn't feel right within.

 Friendships, animals, acquaintances, even family...The "gtf away" feeling...it feels strong when I feel it.

I know that every interaction sent my way in this lifetime has a lesson or opportunity and so, naturally I'm intrigued. 

Yes, EVERY person you meet is a lesson or a blessing...or both. All my southern bells know what Granny said..."It's a blessin in EVERY lesson, baby you just got to find it" lol. Yuh, Granny was right fa sho.

Even if the lesson is to be able to recognize the red undertones in the orange and burgundy hues of mfs.

Other than the holy trinity of green nouns that fancy my lifestyle, I also like green because there are literally no traces of mf red anywhere, you hear me? lmfao. Like for real...if red is anywhere NEAR my green aura, imma see it real quick. It'll feel...brown. Which, brown is beautiful in the physical sense, but for all my artists out there...fuck no. I don't want brown on my life's palette near the green parts lmao

Anyway, why do some people approach me brazenly while others avoid me like the plague? The better question is, why do I even give a fuck 😭 And to be clear, this is all hypothetical. Please don't offer to dissect my problems, I'm doing a fine job on my own lol. That's not what I'm here for... 

Just hear me out without the aftermath of classifying me as anything other than a normal human with a colorful array of emotions and thoughts (greens separate from the browns, of course). That's what we all are...just people...making decisions and choices and surviving and blending in and shit...

I'm a standout kind of gal. At least, I'd like to be. Not really for attention purposes but...it's the principal of appreciating and VALUING individuality. Ain't no "we" or "y'all"...like no bitch, Imma do me. Respectfully these days of course lmao but yea...

Weird when I feel like my energy is off-putting to others. I wanna fix it because I never intend to irritate people. If I ever intended to shift your shit, you'll know it for sure. I'm truly relentless if I want to be lol...but at the same time, fuck it, my intentions are genuine and pure from a place of love and connection. I'm not into to disrupting anyone's peace, even at the expense of my own peace most times...so when it feels or appears like that's wtf is going on, I'm forced to consider maybe what I'm feeling is imaginary. (follow me, remember i mentioned reality vs imaginary earlier lol) 

Maybe I'm imagining that I'm offending others and really what's happening is I'm having a selfish moment and want validation from a specific source that just simply isn't into that shit simultaneously. It's not aligned, and I want it to be so so bad and that's not right lmao. 

I care tremendously about the peace of others so, I want to be more mindful to chill and let shit go. Forever type shit. Let it go forever. Let it go forever. Letting this go forever. I am letting this go forever. I am leaving this desire of acceptance here on this day, on this page, in this capacity to clear my subconscious mind of this burden. It's draining my happiness and clouding my reality and blocking all kinds of shit from prospering in my favor. I am writing this here to let that shit go forever. If it's meant to be around me or a part of my happiness, it will return with peace, mutual magnetisms, and clear intentions of its presence in my life. I value their opinion over mine for some reason that I haven't wanted to dig deep enough to unravel yet and I need to let that go...foreverrrrrr.

This is painful for me. Just want you to know that. I know I joke and speak lighlty of my woes but I truly can't shake this thing and I really am uhh...letting this go. 

If you're the person I'm referring to, and you're reading this, wow...so excited you're here and I hope you understand the power you have had over me is too much to ignore. I understand for that very reason, maybe we shouldn't talk about it...or anything. Maybe we shouldn't talk about anything. Maybe I'm trippin and you had no idea how you impact my life by not being in it...But, just maybe you DO know...maybe you have the same intuition as I do? Who am I even writing to ya know?  

again...this is hypothetical but yea...it's not lmao. 

Like i was sayin...I'm sorry but stop playin with me. Please?...Begging you to let me go or make "it" clear...whatever "it" is, whoever/whatever you are. Nothing too deep is expected or required (really lol) but yea...just tryna mutually cut the tie, whether you're ok with it or not.

K. That's it. It's been cleared...off I go.

-💚deena