January 13th

 Reflect on a quality you admire in someone else and how you can embody it.

I admire people who are strong in their faith or grounded and solid in their bond with a Higher Power... 

The dedication, faith, discipline, or values...I admire that. Not sure ow to embody it or where I'd even start...or if it's even something that I attribute to being a quality that aligns with Me.

I own a bible, and I read it when I'm going through tough times...I want to go to church when invited but only so that person has no reason to invite me again and again. I get invites all the time and I don't like the anxiety that follows deep down in my heart. I probably have a great poker face, but I feel extremely uncomfortable in church. I don't know what it is but I cringe at the thought of going. What should I wear? Does it matter? What if I run into someone I know...what if I run into a coworker. Yuck. Crossing my worlds just seems so disgusting and not permitted.

Just to be clear, by my most recent assessment, I'm no heathen...but I do love to live my life without judgement or perceived accountability. There are things I like to do and say that may contradict the lifestyle of someone who's trying to align themselves with God and I'm not in a place in my life that has prompted me to want to change those parts of me.

I have addictions and bad habits like the rest of us...but see, I like mine for real. Since I can't fully commit to being transparent in a setting that asks for nothing but transparent from me...I feel hypocritical and shady in there. Especially if I go and the whole time, I know I'm only there because I was invited and wanted the invites to stop. I don't want to be identified to any particular religion or group. I want to go when (or if) I'm ready, not when invited/ voluntold. Do I want to sway, worship and cry in a room full of others who I assume carry similar morals? Not particularly...I'd rather go to the disco and sway or go in my closet and cry. Time and place for everything type of gal, I am lol.

But I do see those friends as beacons of light for me and I wish I had the faith and courage to show up...but not really at the same time. I have an hour a week to spare, but it's never really an hour if you're expected to be an active member of any church. There are Wednesday worships, kids ministries with extracurricular activities, fellowship activities...it sounds very overwhelming to an introvert like me. 

People get me twisted for an extravert because I am a chameleon. I can do ok in a crowd of people where there's music and "vibes" to distract me from how awkward this could all be. i can blend...Church? People want to actually start conversations and ask me questions about my life like "Where's the family?" Hate that one. What should I say? They laughed when I asked them to come to church. Sunday is our laundry day for 6 people, bedding and towels. if we took the time to get ready and to church at a decent time, I won't have time to get ready for my week. Those are truths...truths that should be between me and God. Also truths that usually follow an intense back-and-forth of trying to offer process improvement suggestions so that MY process can coordinate with the church process and like...no. If I wanted to go, I would find a way. The truth is, I like my weekends the way they are.

Anticipated questions that I should answer politically correct really put me into panic mode quite swiftly.

I believe there's a bigger power than myself.

I believe in treating others kindly and teaching my children to do the same.

I believe that I've mindfully filled my universe with opportunities for good karma.

Every day holds value and is a good day and I'm grateful to see a new one.

I love my body and treat her accordingly.

I know it's deeper than that but that's as far into the pool I'm willing to step for now. 

And inviting me to church or convincing me why I should "give it a try" is not the answer please lol. 

I'm cool. I'm at peace and my heart is open to receive what is meant for me when the time is right.

I'm non-confrontational by nature so there's the reason...or excuse lmao I don't know...

I should just grow up and go to church if that's what I want to do. 

If that's what I want to do and when.

If and When.

Peace.

💚deena