She passed when I was in the 7th grade, and I truly felt a piece of my heart break.
My memories of her are full of warm southern hugs, the smile in her eyes whenever I walked towards her up the concrete stairs to her door. The smell of her kitchen...I never really remember her cooking, but she loved to bake. I have her beloved Red Velvet recipe tucked away in my closet where I keep all of my treasures that I don't want to ruin or share. It's covered in vegetable oil stains and microscopic dollops of cream cheese icing from the splatter of the hand mixer. I remember the smell of home in her kitchen. Her velveteen couches and mirrored living room wall always reminded me of how stylish and fly she must've been.
My favorite thing about her is her firm belief in the power of God and hard work. She always believed in me, whatever I did was the best thing she'd ever heard or seen. My artwork, my grades, my silly songs and jokes. I loved her dearly because she loved me back. Unconditionally.
I lost my earthly connection with my Grandma Louise when I was about 11 or 12.
4 years later I experienced the scariest transition of my life thus far and became a mother at the age of 16. I felt so alone and judged by everyone around me. Looking back, I wished she was still there in those moments to protect me in her warm hugs, to cheer me up with her smile and her hearty voice. When she sang, all of my bad memories and worries would literally melt away. I wish she were here today to see my babies and love them the way she loved me. A grandmother's love is the sweetest gift a child could ever receive. The unconditional and genuine admiration for your success in life is unmatched. As I reach back into the attic of my mind and find memories of her, they're clouded with time. It would take gallons of tears to wipe clear the blurred faces and sounds. I'm not sure if I ever grieved her death because I was really too young to understand what it feels like to lose someone. As a preteen, I could never have imagined how much I'd need her.
I realized the value of our relationship when life morphed from a merry-go-round to a roller coaster. I got to the highest peak of the ride, I'm looking ahead and can't see the edge of the track below me. My vision is blocked by the thrill of the ride. The butterflies are flailing around inside of my stomach, my chest, my throat, my throat, my throat. They're muffling my screams. My heart feels like its frozen and going to explode in flames at the same time. I try to breathe but there's so much wind in my face it's impossible to take what's mine as the turbulence takes over my world.
I wanted nothing more than to look over and see her smiling and enjoying the ride, confident that we'd be ok. I wanted to grab her hand harder than every hug she ever gave me, mushed all into one squeeze. I wanted to call her and hear her laugh right before telling me a past time of her own to reassure me that life is scary and uncertain, but also beautiful and full of lessons along the way.
At 16 I couldn't hear her words of affirmation from the distance we shared. As my children and I grew older, the distance grew closer and I would occasionally hear through my tears in the dark, "Babies are blessings, baby." "You're a brilliant young lady." "You could charm the rattle off a snake with that smile, you should show it off." I learned when I was 16 that I could speak to her, and she was ALWAYS speaking to me. I talk to her all the time, really, it's amazing. Her voice is especially clear when I feel alone and helpless...misunderstood and judged. She still listens like she did back then, she still smiles at me with her heart, and she guides me to peace of mind with her spirit, without fail, every time I'm low and lost. That's how strong her love is. That's why I miss her.
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