The holidays were not as Merry as some of my coworkers wished for me, so I find it ironic that I got this one today...
I have a hard time being honest with my family members about how I feel about them or their decisions...I'm afraid they'll think I'm judging them.
Well, I'll rephrase that:
I'm afraid how they'd feel if they knew I was judging them.
I'm not sure if it's a human thing or a Gemini thing but I have feelings, and they are loud and strong. If I were to ever forget to use or change my filter, I would hurt feelings and move mountains. It's frustrating that I'm afraid of moving the mountain because in return, especially where family is concerned, I get moved. I end up agreeing to things that make the pit of my stomach squirmy, or going places that jeopardize my peace and my comfort. Allowing people to come in my space and make it their own, cursing and swearing along the way as loudly as I can in my head, far away from their brass ears. Letting them put hteir muddy soles all on my clean floors, making ugly faces at them, unnoticed through their rose-tinted lenses. "She's so sweet and accommodating," they say. "Deena's easy-going"...like bitch, no the fuck I'm not. I'm a wimp and submissive because I'm having trouble setting boundaries in my 30s. I still can't see the fine line that differentiates between you being my elder and both of us being just 2 grown people who are expecting respect and consideration. *deep sigh*
That felt great! lmao
I accommodate people who are not willing or forced to accommodate me and that makes me disgruntled.
I have opinions and if shared, I might be happier. On the other hand, if shared, I might be lonelier, or worse...I'll be judged.
Well, I'm actually not afraid of that...being judged lol. Most times people are not too far off when judging me. There is some truth in there probably. I mean, humans are animals, and all animals are equipped with some level of the natural ability to judge danger, concern, caution, love, safety...all of that.
If I were honest with some of my family members, not only would it be seen as uncalled for, but it would cause strain on our relationship...or would it make it stronger? I'm not sure and the thought of the process of finding out makes me anxious.
I was raised to value family "no matter what"...but as I get older, I almost like to see that phrase with an asterisk. "No matter what*" and then I imagine there's a list of disqualifying factors where I have the right to move you further down my list of "relative proximity" we'll say, for lack of a better phrase at the moment. The further down you scoot and shimmy, the less I care about judging you out loud. Some may say it should be in reverse and I may have to agree...but I am a coward. I'm afraid of hurting feelings. I'm afraid of being proven wrong in my judgement. I'm afraid that I'm judging someone too harshly because I don't realize I'm in the same boat and they'll call me out on it.
I wish I could tell people,
"No, because your decisions have made me question who I thought you were."
"Your new lifestyle, would cause me concern about bringing you around my kids if you weren't my loved one."
"I don't want you to come because all you do is complain about your woes."
" You only call me to tell me about you and I don't care to listen to it while I'm silently coping with all my shit."
"That's very inconsiderate of my time and that's also not what we agreed to."
"Those plans that we had together are cancelled because you are late, and I've made new arrangements."
I have a hard time saying those things and I don't know why because as I type them out, I feel a sense of peace and relief...fairness. My boundaries are clear and, on the table...well, theoretically I guess since none of the people who these apply to are readers of my blog but yall know what I mean lol.
That's all for today folks.
💚Deena
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