Note to Myself

Hello internet!

...and self,

This has been a bizzare year for all of us I'm sure but I was prompted to write today. And so, here I am.

Where do I begin?

I had my son December 10th and oh my Universe, he is the truth. He truly has completed me. All of my babies melted my heart and it feels so fluttery each time...but this time was an intensity that i have yet to shake and we're 8 months in! He will be my peacemaker, my wisdom for sure. I try my hardest not o talk about my children on the internet often in hopes to avoid portraying any of them as my favorite because I love them all differently, they all get on my last nerve differently also lol.

Moving forward, my life as a wife has been interesting.

In fact, I'm about to get real deal Holyfield in theis bitch so buckle up....purely for the sake of cleansing my spirit and "letting it out"...writing it down to free up some space in my orbital feild of energy.

A while ago... it was September of 2017 actually...

A hurricane came and was pretty severe. Jumbo and I were arguing pretty badly about whether or not we should evacuate. We stayed and I was furious. I made the best money I could've imagined at the time while working for the power company because everyone wanted their lights on and we had to utilize almost every employee to answer phone calls and reconnect power. Oddly enough, I ended up answering calls from classmates a few times or previous coworkers...it's a small city.

    A classmate of mine...we'll call him Crest. That's what me and my freinds referred to him as back in the day. If we ever weret to talk about people while they were near by, we had a great way of assigning code names on the fly that we all picked up on. We were connected on that teenage girl vibe i guess lol.ANYWAY...Crest calls my job for assistance. Now back then, in 2007 or 2008 I did have a small crush on Crest but I never really had a conversation with him. He was popular and I was...pregnant and weird and shy and in highschool...a NEW highschool at that. I never revealed my crush-y feelings because I had a warped view of who I was back then due to my back-to-back pregnancies at such a young age.

At least, I would guess was the root of my disdain for myself...just a guess.

So homeboy, by chance, has issues with his electricity and mentions he's taking care of a small daughter and needs the lights on asap and I helped make that happen. I was a married woman and I've always loved my husband. I've never had an urge or desire to love anyone the way I love Jumbo. Somehow I let reconnecting the electricity develop into "we should catch up". We connected on Facebook. Big Mistake obviously in hindsite but everyday after that, I got a message in the morning and we entrtained conversation. Nothing too crazy or sexually explicit or even implications of developing anything beyond friendship. Somewhere deep down, I would've liked to catch up but I didn't want to jeapordize my marriage or do anything that could be mistaken as innapropriate for a married woman so I stopped responding and thought nothing of it.

Months down the line my husband notices my conversation with Crest. Long story short...it looked like what I was afraid it may have looked like. Should I have deleted the messages? Sure, if I thought I was being sneaky. I had innocent intentions and didn't feel the need to delete anything. This was around January or February when the shit hit the nutribullet. I'm regretful for my decisions and especially moreso how my decisions affected my best friend and the love of my life.

Months later, in August of 2018, we were the best we had ever been...I thought.

Jumbo and I went to my friend's birthday party. I had so much fun. Jumbo didnt want to go intitially but that's usually how it goes when it comes to parties. He's not a partier and I know that. We get there and I notice he's disconnected or not interested in me. I'm dancing on him, I'm taking shots, bringing him food and catering to him like I always do when we go out. This time something was different though.

We get home, we're both intoxicated and I notice his messages were open and it was a conversation between him and a woman whose name wasnt saved. She was his "new boo"...and he missed her and wanted to know what she was up to. I was angry...I mean...BIG MAD. The night's progression... I'll leave up to your imagination but I was truly broken. I think I was more hurt because it seemed that feelings were developed and I already had the feeling he didn't want to be there with me. It felt worse knowing he wanted to be somewhere else with someone else.

Well, after we sober up the next day, we talk about it like adults and we move on.

Fast forward to present day, I received a series of anonymous calls and then an anonymous text telling me my husband is cheating on me. Oddly enough, I don't care anymore. Whether it is or isn't true, I'll never truly know. I've learned to not worry about things (or people) that I can't control. Jumbo hasn't given me reason to doubt his intentions and I'm not trippin about it really.

When I reflect on my day every evening, I wonder if it matters to me to know. I think I'd rather not know the extent of this mysterious person's truth until or unless they're willing to reveal themselves and some sort of proof that would cause me to doubt how solid my connection is with my man. I was forgiven, I was believed in and given a clean slate. I want to do the same for Jumbo. He deserves it.

We're a kick-ass couple. The way we parent, the way we show up, the way we love each other is truly unconditional. With all of that in consideration, I know that as young humans, we go through life and we meet other people and we build connections with those people, good and bad; professional and casual. Life comes in phases and we all experience changes. Some changes are gradual so they're less painful and some are circumstancially quite immediate changes that are made to avoid traumatic feelings or to mitigate future error. But all in all, throughout all of my own changes, I try to remain happy.Otherwise, I run the risk of manifesting a toxic environment for myself and the people around me.

Since then, like 2 weeks ago is when that text was received, sometimes I feel fat,

I feel uncomfortable choosing clothing,

I feel boring, uninteresting,

Sometimes I feel like I'm not sexy.

I get curious if Jumbo feels "trapped".

I want to be clear and free of my mistakes and his...like they never happened, and that is a task I am working dilligently to accomplish.

I have my nights when I don't like to look at myself without clothing.

After 4 kids...I see my body as a machine sometimes instead of a masterpiece.

Jumbo always tells me I'm amazing and beautiful and compliments me inside and out.

This is all self-generated doubt that I keep inside...until now I guess but who really reads this thing anyway?

I wonder if that woman was more exciting to talk with or if they had more in common...was her voice sweeter than mine? Her smile brighter and straighter? Was she more attractive in his eyes...fatter?thinner? longer hair? black? white? something more exotic? Does he still see her at work occasionally? Do they talk every now and then? Am i doing anything better now than I was back then to keep his heart at home or am I the same woman?

These are thoughts that i sift though in my mind some days. I don't feel sad, but definitely a curiosity that is difficult to shake sometimes. I'm not a phone-snooper, I'm not an obsessive woman. I couldn't do that to myself, it's quite stressful. And the one time I did look, I was met with something I wish i never knew about and now, consequentially, it's a card in my mental rolodex.

Sometimes I have days where I cry it out and ask God to cleanse my spirit of any evil that's in pursuit of my happiness...

my peace...

my spirit...

and sometimes I want to cut a bitch.

Most times I reel it in and find myself channeling my focus and curiosities towards finding who I am.

Who is Deena? What is Deena?

This list of beautiful things to love about Deena is hella extensively long though! It's never-ending!?

I'm amazed by all that I've grown from.

I'm proud of who I am on the inside of that place you point to in the middle of your chest...some people call it their soul.

I see it as my energy orb. My shit always shining, always spinning in a positive direction, always growing better and brighter, blinding my life's enemies, always confusing those who expect a reaction out of me.

I am different.

I'm not concerned about who-thinks-who is amazing or interesting because I'm so stuck on how amazing I AM.

...That's how i overcome creating a toxic reality. That's how I attract positivity and love and respect.

Even if I gotta cry to get those words out, I shout them to myself becasue I believe them and I want my innerself to feel the passion and drive behind those words. Those words are true and powerful and strong enough to shift the energy in whatever room I'm in -  physically, mentally, spiritually.

And now my spirit is cleansed.

Thank you for reading this and taking something wholesome from it to better your energy. Spread positivity and it will come back to you in ways that are unexpected and quite unbelievable. I appreciate you reading my thoughts with an open heart and understanding...and without judgment.

Know that you are a friend that I am truly forever grateful for.

xoxo

Peace.