Lately I've been very eager to persue something that I love and earn my income from it. The only problem is, I don't know what I love to do anymore. I know that I'm creative and artistic and I enjoy expressing myself through different medias, such as painting, music, or wrting. I just have this nasty little habit of not finishing things. I'm not sure if I've always been this way or if I picked up this habit while becoming the parent that I am today but it really bothers me. The thought of not finishing what I start makes me feel horrible. I say this with a true and deep sadness. I get overwhelemed with frustration when I remember how great a project "could have" been if I had just done that shit to begin with and finished it all the way through. I disappoint myself. I don't want to hold in my creative expression because it drives me insane and I get very sad but that's exactly what's going on. I haven't been clinically diagnosed with depression, but when I'm alone and think about who I am today, I often wonder if I'm myself. I get lost in the mix when I go about my regular day and I forget to be me. I love my children and I love my man, I just don't know why I'm so sad lately. It could be PPD maybe but I felt like this before I had Zola. The pregnancy gave me something to be excited about and I forgot that I felt sad for 9 months or so...but now, I have the urge to create or enjoy nature and I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm holding myself back. I always feel like crying but I don't have a reason to cry; or at least I feel like if I told someone why I was crying, they wouldn't quite understand. Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy person and when I interact with others through out the day, I don't have these feelings. It really only comes to me when I'm alone and idle. Like now, I'm sitting at my desk and no one else is in the office. Sitting here, I thought to myself about how I want to exercise but when will I have the time. I want to paint more but when will I find the time, I can't afford the things I'd need in order to paint. I want to write more but I dont have the energy, my head is too cluttered and it's difficult for me to find the words to put them together...I don't know. All I do know is, not feeling like myself feels pretty shitty....