Pretty Picnics and Bad Weather...(54 days to go)

Well, I'm in the final weeks of my pregnancy and I feel great.

Funny how things turn out whether you have a plan or not. If you've been following my blog, I planned to stay home with Zola and be a full-time mommy. Unfortunately, that doesn't look like the plan anymore. We had a small hiccup with our steady income and now it looks like I'll definitely have to work. I feel positive because I am the support to Malcolm during times like this, but I'm heart broken. I really had my eyes set on bonding with Zola and teaching her everything she'll ever need to know.

It happened last Wednesday so it's fairly new but I think I still haven't processed our new situation. The only reason I'm not sure if I've processed it porperly is because everyone around me is telling me how upset they would be if they were in my shoes, or how they don't understand how I'm not angry with him, or how surprised they are that I'm not stressed out. Even then, while I fumble to justify my feelings, I don't feel angry. I'm not angry that they think I should feel how they do, I'm not angry they're not satisfied with my emotional state, I'm not angry that I'm even having the conversation in the first place...but I am sad. I just feel really really sad lately and more nervous than ever. Well maybe not more than EVER but I have quite a few things on my mind that came out of nowhere almost.
One thing I do know for certain though: Malcolm is my man and beating him down, cussing him out, making him feel less of himself is not the answer. This is our first moment in marriage where our strength is being tested and I think we're doing pretty well. I'm his "other half" so I need to be positive to help him stay focused on the solution instead of reminding him of the problem. This is helping us stay happy with each other and appreciate time together because in the bigger scheme of things, this is nothing to fight over because there is no right or wrong in an arguement about an unexpected lay-off. It wouldn't even be an arguement, it would be a problem. Arguments have a resolution with compromise, problems tend to grow until they temporarily disappear, then resurface as a new beast later on down the road. We're not going to tolerate either in this case because now is not the time to be divided. I know I sound poetic and deep but that's just love. That's commitment to a lifetime with each other; to survive through thick and thin together as a unit.

But anyway, I'm feeling down because I know what I had hoped for and I know that I won't be able to follow my plan. I miss Zola already and I haven't even met her yet...