I always feel slightly depressed when typing into this thing. Mainly due to guilt of the time between updates but I'm here so whatever...
Since my last post, I've gotten legally married, met my in-laws (who are absolutely amazing), and we're expecting a little addition to our family of 4...I know, it's a lot to take in.
Since leaving Orphias behind in hell, I moved on to a much more positive work environment with happier, well-rounded people and it has been a wonderful experience. I've learned more than I expected to learn, including a lil bit of Spanish and how to throw down in a kitchen. My co-worker is like the 55-yr old version of me (if I were from Portugal) and my other co-worker is like the 3rd pea in the pod. So , you could say I'm pretty comfortable where I'm at right now, but....
I'm pregnant. This is not the root of my issue, it's not my issue at all actually. I'm glowing! Literally, my face is shiny as hell and I love it haha. I'm a temp at this company though so I don't have maternity leave or benefits that full-time employees are ever-so-graced to encumber. I'm not screwed but I feel like it. I'm finding myself torn between following a path that I'm familiar with and following a path that I want to travel for the experience. I'm finally starting to feel 23 and not 40. I've always felt so stuck in my job, my income, my life, this city...now that I've visited a place outside of Wacksonville, I feel like I'm too young to be commited to a job and a city. I want to see what I'm capable of elsewhere. And no, I don't like the cold. In fact, I fucking hate the cold, to be blunt. I know waht Florida cold is, and I know what norhtern cold is..somewhat but for the most-part. Even though I hate the cold, something in my heart is pulling me to want to leave and be up north. I feel like theres a piece of me that I forgot to pack into my suitcase on the way back from our visit and it's bothering me.
Another thing that I'm battling with is my job status. I dont have maternity leave and I'm really trying to make an effort to not be 15 with this baby. Meaning, I want to bond and spend quality time and breast feed etc. I want to be the primary caregiver for this child and no one else...and I want to save money on day care if I can. Being a stay-at-home mom has been a "dream job" of mine for the past year or so and now that we're expecting, I'm really loving the idea and yearn for it to be put into action. YEARN! I never use that word! Well lately I do when I yearn for pineapples and spicy cheetos but anyway...yes. That's what I want to do but I'm stopping myself. I'm so nervous about doing something I'm not accustomed to. I'm so comfortable waking up an going to work..well, not comfortable because I hate that shit most days but it's the routine and the steady, reliable income that I'm comfortable with. Being without a job by choice is a little difficult to fathom right now. In my heart, I feel like I'll be happy. In my mind, I worry about where the other part of the household income will come from, how will we pay for our bills. It's funny because people make it work every day but I can't see myself as one of those people while I'm sitting at a 9-5 with insurance and free luncheons. This is tough. The decision, I mean...and not becuase of the lunch even though that's a perk. Even if I work from home, I'd feel better but I don't even have a computer or a house phone...or the damn internet. Maybe I can get a part-time thing but I won't even really want to do that. Not because I'm lazy but because I want to take a break and really know my children while they're still young. Every day when I drive the girls to school and then drive to work, I just think to myself, "What are you going to do?"
Since my last post, I've gotten legally married, met my in-laws (who are absolutely amazing), and we're expecting a little addition to our family of 4...I know, it's a lot to take in.
Since leaving Orphias behind in hell, I moved on to a much more positive work environment with happier, well-rounded people and it has been a wonderful experience. I've learned more than I expected to learn, including a lil bit of Spanish and how to throw down in a kitchen. My co-worker is like the 55-yr old version of me (if I were from Portugal) and my other co-worker is like the 3rd pea in the pod. So , you could say I'm pretty comfortable where I'm at right now, but....
I'm pregnant. This is not the root of my issue, it's not my issue at all actually. I'm glowing! Literally, my face is shiny as hell and I love it haha. I'm a temp at this company though so I don't have maternity leave or benefits that full-time employees are ever-so-graced to encumber. I'm not screwed but I feel like it. I'm finding myself torn between following a path that I'm familiar with and following a path that I want to travel for the experience. I'm finally starting to feel 23 and not 40. I've always felt so stuck in my job, my income, my life, this city...now that I've visited a place outside of Wacksonville, I feel like I'm too young to be commited to a job and a city. I want to see what I'm capable of elsewhere. And no, I don't like the cold. In fact, I fucking hate the cold, to be blunt. I know waht Florida cold is, and I know what norhtern cold is..somewhat but for the most-part. Even though I hate the cold, something in my heart is pulling me to want to leave and be up north. I feel like theres a piece of me that I forgot to pack into my suitcase on the way back from our visit and it's bothering me.
Another thing that I'm battling with is my job status. I dont have maternity leave and I'm really trying to make an effort to not be 15 with this baby. Meaning, I want to bond and spend quality time and breast feed etc. I want to be the primary caregiver for this child and no one else...and I want to save money on day care if I can. Being a stay-at-home mom has been a "dream job" of mine for the past year or so and now that we're expecting, I'm really loving the idea and yearn for it to be put into action. YEARN! I never use that word! Well lately I do when I yearn for pineapples and spicy cheetos but anyway...yes. That's what I want to do but I'm stopping myself. I'm so nervous about doing something I'm not accustomed to. I'm so comfortable waking up an going to work..well, not comfortable because I hate that shit most days but it's the routine and the steady, reliable income that I'm comfortable with. Being without a job by choice is a little difficult to fathom right now. In my heart, I feel like I'll be happy. In my mind, I worry about where the other part of the household income will come from, how will we pay for our bills. It's funny because people make it work every day but I can't see myself as one of those people while I'm sitting at a 9-5 with insurance and free luncheons. This is tough. The decision, I mean...and not becuase of the lunch even though that's a perk. Even if I work from home, I'd feel better but I don't even have a computer or a house phone...or the damn internet. Maybe I can get a part-time thing but I won't even really want to do that. Not because I'm lazy but because I want to take a break and really know my children while they're still young. Every day when I drive the girls to school and then drive to work, I just think to myself, "What are you going to do?"
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