I know I'm not the only one who does this, but sometimes when I get off from work and begin to decline, I wonder about where I'll be at 5:00PM ten years from now...

Sometimes I find that when my mind wanders, it tends to try to plan for emotions that will presumably come up..eventually somewhere in my life span. Then sometimes I wonder how long exactly my life span will be. I wonder if I'll live longer than my kids...or how old they'll be when I pass. Sometimes I wonder how I'd have to apapt if something ever happened to my giant, Bazz.

And these thought, oddly enough, are never negative thoughts. Just one of those things you show some curiosity towards every once in a while. And fortunately, these thoughts are usually what help me through my anxiety sometimes. I sometimes take a step back and literally think of the worst thing that can happen and after I gather whatever is horrifically possible, I consider "then what" type of thoughts. Eventually I get to a poit where I'm like ok, that shit didn't happen, you made it home, and if it does happen, this vision of the incident will aid in your survival. Yes. Those are actually positive thoughts...My glass is usually half full. Unless of course your goal is to drink all of the damn water in the cup, that's generally the right idea.

I like my job and everything but I hate Jacksonville....so I often ask myself the following question:
I wonder if there will have to be something monumental in my life to cause my family to move and start over elsewhere.

Then theses pop up...
Will I be excited when this happens? Sad? Nervous? Angry or spiteful?
Will I restart as the Deena I am today, or will I try and reinvent myself because no one will really know my Floridian-self.

Then these...

What kind of guy is going to scoop my daughters out of my watchful care and what kind of trouble will my girls get into once they grow boobs and realized how beautiful they really truly are.
Will they like boys?
Will they want make-up?
Will they embrace their culture?

Then these...

Will they go to college? Will they even finish high school?
Will they get pregnant at 15 like me? Will they get married and have kids? Will they grow to resent me? I'm not ready for that stage of adolesence but I know it's coming quick and sometimes I forget to embrace them for what they are: kids.

I dunno, it seems like the older you get, the less excited you are to get older. I think the turning point of emotions comes when you realize shit aint really that fun after a certain age. Like getting a job, living on your own, raising a family, buying groceries, or even eating out...and you have to cover the bill and then you realize what the hell a tip is and you think, why the fuck cant yall just get paid hourly and be ok with that? Even strippers have it better than you...not to down play strippers but if I had a life or death altemadem i definitely would have to sit on the thought of serving food vs stripping. Any way lol marinate on that one...

I figured I'd type to pass the time.

The time has paased.

Thanks for reading :)