Goodbye January...It was fun!

As we all know, I was really into this whole "video blog thingy" that documented my dating experiences as a single mother working full-time. I'm sure many were amused with my humility/pitiful attempts of a social life but i became quite dissatisfied with my results.I'm not sure if that's because i realized how much i hated dating or because i realized how impatient and disappointed I've always been with the typical southern male civilian.

I wish i could better describe how lumpish I became due to my excessive,rapid method of searching for the right guy to "complete me"...but of course I've been told to be careful of what I wish for...especially if i blatantly wish for it often.

So here I am...single, happy, and (i think) sane; or at least as single, happy, and sane as i was before that project began its course. I met a few decent people and i met a few not-so-decent beings but all-in-all, i met myself where i started and that's never a bad thing...unless u start from the very bottom.? But anyway, there was a great outcome...only great because its the outcome i wanted.

During this grueling process of finding a mate that doesn't exist as of yet, I realized these few lovely,damning characteristics of myself:

• I'm too lenient
• My expectations of others is too high,too soon.
• I'm not outspoken enough
• I hold my own hand as walk myself straight through the doors of the friend zone
• I don't know what type of person makes me happy
• I'm not quite certain of which activities make me happy
• I really look for what i don't want more often than i look for what i do want...(i dunno if that makes sense)
• I hate building a structured relationship with people that i meet while at work or in the surrounding area/time frame of work hours...after all, I'm no carpenter (ha ha...that cracked me up)
• I'm not assertive enough when it comes to "breaking it off"
• I don't have any "fight" in me...
• My whole face reads "fuck it" about 97.24% of the time
• And....I love my bubble.LOVE IT.

After about 30 days of this project, Ive recorded more videos than I've posted. mainly because i realized how bizarre some of these men were and i was slightly embarrassed. id like to go into detail of course but who reads these things anyway? :)

So as I'm in the process of poking myself in the face, annoyed beyond my tolerable limit, an old friend of mine from about a year ago came to mind. Funny guy actually...very honest...extremely honest. and i knew he'd be the one to disregard my feelings and tell me what was abnormal about me.
(that's why i gave him the silent "fuck you" a year ago when i somehow convinced him i changed my number while texting him this information from my "old phone number" lmao...that's not funny.I've come a long way in the heartless department though.)

So i reached out to him (metaphorically of course because i really hate confronting people about myself in person...its just awkward).the first question after "is this Deena" was "hm...so how'd you get ur old number back?".....and i had come up with something prior to our conversation because i suspected the inquiry would come about but i forgot it. didn't expect it to be so early in the conversation i guess. so we arranged a meeting and that's where i learned all of those things about myself were indeed confirmed by someone who had no emotional attachment to me.

Needless to say, we rekindled our friendship!...not really but that would've been nice.

Hes changed for the better and myself, I've stayed rather stagnant if you ask me but that's irrelevant...actually its very relevant since this is about me and my changes lmao oh man...

OK so we had a long talk and i was relieved to discover the ratio of crazy men to crazy women is relatively close to being 50:50. I didn't feel so doomed, cursed, and fucked up beyond repair...and the friend zone is really like a common watering hole for single people.i just never ventured into the group i guess.?I just need to take a big gulp and keep it moving.

So here's my solution to addressing all of my concerns about myself (this is much more strange in writing than when its in my head, you know lol):

• When approached with an unappealing offer, ill ask myself, "Deena, could you tolerate this for 10 continuous days?yes?...well how about 10 years?...Thought so.NEXT!"
• Instead of expecting anything ill expect nothing at all and be flattered with surprise when impressed and wont be disappointed when changes or impressionable behavior don't occur in a timely manner.  Walking away from a relationship of "nothing" will be much simpler than wishing for someone to impress my estrogen infused hormones.
• When I hear/see something that I do not agree with or that I do not want to be a part of, I'll make it a point to say "Hey, (name here)!I do not agree slash want to take part in this relationship and or action!Understand?" [this one will be humorous to reflect upon lol]
• I am no longer afraid or disappointed in being a friend. I'd rather be in the friend zone than be one of many women on someones roll call agenda.
• I compiled a list of things I would not want in a partner and based on that list, comprised a coinciding list of characteristics that id love to have in a partner...if anything from either list jumps to the opposite list, he is not for me, no exceptions...unless of course he's brilliantly stunning and promised by the Lord himself to remain this appealing forever more, regardless of circumstantial incidents that may occur to his physical self.
• I love to eat, and paint, and express myself because I've earned my knowledge for no other reason than to share it with someone with equal brain capacity...and that is what i truly love to do.
• I think i settled my dilema in which i was concerned about how often i look for all possible negatives before the positive qualities when i created my lists (please review bullet 5 as a reference)
• I wont date anyone that I meet while at work...it is ethically inappropriate and commonly prohibited in most employee handbooks...settled that one, huh?
• When I find myself displeased with the relationship, I must then realize that I am indirectly displeased with myself. Remaining unhappy by fear of hurting others will inevitably hurt my mental and emotional self. I will approach this person with my concerns and offer no room for discussion. Done means Done...not ALMOST done.
• If I feel as though I am slacking in the relationship, causing the person to slip away...I wont say "eh...fuck it". Ill remember my um...customer service skills and try and address the issue, not the person.?...i dunno.still working on this one i guess...
• As well as this one. My face is an expressive one...sometime more than anyone would willingly bargain for actually. Although my face reads "fuck it" majority of the time, I'm really pretty opposite of that.Ill just try and be more aware of what my face is doing.?yeah...
• And my bubble...I realize the world isn't so bad outside of my bubble. Irritating beyond control, yes...but not anything I wont recover from and laugh at later in life...much, much later.

And with all that being said, i accomplished my goal of discovering myself, breaking myself down and carefully taking note of each step to recovery...well, maybe not that serious...i just went on a few strange dates ha ha.

Thanks for reading BTW!and watching my videos...feedback is food to the inquiring mind...not sure how much sense that made but let's run with it ;)