On Dec 31, I got wasted...by myself...and fell asleep well before midnight like a loser. No, I'm not ashamed of it either (or proud of it, lets just get that clear lmao) because it all had some sort of symbolic, metaphorical, beautifully poetic purpose...(i suppose)
I came into the New Year alone because this year, I'm focusing on myself.
Not my job
Not my boss
Not my suppressed anger towards my baby daddies
Not my parents
Not my failures, my fuck-ups, my pitiful excuse of a sex life
I'm over it....all of it.
After having a few normal conversations with my parents, (without trying to be right, without trying to prove them wrong, and just letting them be parents) I realized that I wasn't being honest with myself about anything I've ever done. I blamed all my troubles and woes on my family. How dare me??Right??? lol typical teen trauma though...(i looked it up)
As I slowly progress towards the prime of my independent adulthood where responsibility includes more than showing up to work on time, I'm realizing that blaming people for my misfortunes is what's been keeping me down in the first place.
- I got a traffic ticket
I came into the New Year alone because this year, I'm focusing on myself.
Not my job
Not my boss
Not my suppressed anger towards my baby daddies
Not my parents
Not my failures, my fuck-ups, my pitiful excuse of a sex life
I'm over it....all of it.
After having a few normal conversations with my parents, (without trying to be right, without trying to prove them wrong, and just letting them be parents) I realized that I wasn't being honest with myself about anything I've ever done. I blamed all my troubles and woes on my family. How dare me??Right??? lol typical teen trauma though...(i looked it up)
As I slowly progress towards the prime of my independent adulthood where responsibility includes more than showing up to work on time, I'm realizing that blaming people for my misfortunes is what's been keeping me down in the first place.
In 2011:
- I got a traffic ticket
...Blamed the damn city for changing the speed limit too frequently on one road for about 6 months
...Blamed the car next to me for not speeding up to make me look less responsible for my ticket
...My license got suspended.
...Blamed the court for not giving me a payment plan for about a 2 months
...Realized I was the one speeding
...Paid the city their damn money
- I got dumped,ditched,used and rejected (damn,didn't realize how pitiful this one was lmao)
...Blamed every guy I ever dated by calling them a jerk
...Blamed myself for being naive
...Realized everyone isn't made to be happy or satisfied with who I am
...Got the hell over it
...Still single, still alive
-I got played...miserably
...Saw someone who needed help
...Thought I was the one that was "sent from above" to "bless this person"
...Forgot how broke I was my damn self
...Got ditched the night before rent was due
...After my "roommate" ran the light bill past excessive heights
...And sent 2 gorilla-sized women to "jump me"
...Talked my way out if.
...Realized some people were born assholes and I needed to worry about myself (just as they did)
...Have my own place and almost no one knows where it is
...Better friends, Still alive
Once I understood the extent of my own faults, I was able to fix the problem.
So my goal this year is to make this a habit...breaking down all my fuckuptivity (fuck-up activity mushed into one word.yes, just made that up) and attacking the problem for what it truly is instead of wasting time trying to blame other people so I don't feel as disappointed in myself.
The deepest disappointment comes when you realize there's a problem and your complaining behind has done nothing in your power to attempt to fix it...when all that time full of misery passes by and you could have changed it but u just settled for failure...that is def a genuine instance worthy of a "WTF" Facebook update/ Tweet/ Skype status.
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