Coming of Age...Maybe

Although I’m well aware of how good I have it right now, something inside of me misses the old me. I’m quite sure I won’t start smoking weed again because my current situation would crumble to pieces if I test positive for anything other than pure joy and sunshine. At the same time, I find myself contemplating on ways I could “make it work” if I were to decide to go back to what I was accustom to a few months back. I’m on the peak of turning 20 and I’ve been trying to look back on what damage I’ve done so far in the past 19+ years and I’m quite impressed, actually. I’ve accomplished and destroyed more than I would’ve liked to, but mentally, I’m growing and developing much more rapidly than my peers and I appreciate that to an extent…but I’m still pretty damn young and I still want to be able to get into stuff that might be more acceptable now than it would be if I were 30+.I like to go out and “mingle with my peers”…and I’d love to wake up late some days and call in sick when everybody knows pretty damn well I probably just had a hell of a hang over with a bomb ass night’s worth of digital facebook pictures to back it up. I still want to show off my rolling skills to new circles and have nothing productivein my life to do for the day. Maybe I decided to get my life on track too soon?…Neh, I’m sure that’s not it but what I’m uncertain of is why I’m so eager to live a life that is almost certainly going to lead me to nowhere. Literally waking up and looking at my ceiling, pretending I don’t have a job for 30 extra minutes…only to be 30 minutes late to work is not something I’m consciously deciding to do. After intense self analysis and 4 “Journals” that I refuse to call “Diaries”, I understand that I get bored very easily and need something new and refreshing more often than the average person but lately I’ve been considering extremes such as dropping everything and selling drugs “full time” and “accidentally miss my exit” on the highway.Then of course I get the “what the fuck, Deena??” from my more sophisticated side and then I make a U-Turn on 95 and continue to my 9-5 job (which is paying me quite nicely considering my age and lack of experience). Then sometimes I think that I could be a professional foot model but I hate my pinky toe and then that dream also dies pretty quickly. I started drawing again to take my mind off of the glorious greens of the earth and that helped a little but i still find myself at a dead end when I think of how to move forward. When I consider looking backwards though, my opportunities expand beyond my wildest dreams. I’m more than aware of the consequences that may occur but for some reason I’m trying to find ways to make those consequences tolerable.I hate to say it but I shamelessly find an extreme thrill in breaking the law and prospering from it…and don’t be shocked.Plenty of us have taken a piece of gum from the store, maybe thrown a gum wrapper out of the window, went a little over the speed limit just for the hell of it…well imagine that small rush of adrenaline for those little things on steroids and acid at a wild teen roofie extravaganza. That’s how I feel when I live on the edge and I miss it…somewhat. I do have a driving force that seems to be keeping me in line and that’s motherhood. I love it and I’ll continue to love being a mother until the end of me but I can’t help but wonder how well this is going to turn out when my children come to me with questions about things that I haven’t even figured out yet…men, for one, and life in general.I’m probably the worst person for them to ask for advice only because I don’t always practice what I preach and it would be much more than misleading to my girls if i told them to say no to drugs when I smoke tobacco products my damn self…or how to avoid under-age drinking when I can go out most places and get a drink with no carding policy and i don’t see the harm in it as long as I’m responsible.
[No need to preach to me that my beliefs on drugs and alcohol are…unconventional because I’m aware of that.]

But anyway, I’ve come up with a plan…and a back up plan of course on how to live life the way that I’d like to without any devastating consequences. (For legal purposes I will not disclose any of that information lol) but I’m more than positive it’ll work beautifully. I’m just so afraid to do it because,like with any planning ever done, there is a chance of failure…and not regular failure either. I’m talkin’ hard-core “damn what was I thinking”/”my dumb ass REALLY thought this was gonna work,huh?must have been some good green” type of failure lol.I’ve tried changing my hair and my clothing style to help fit my new lifestyle but I feel like I’m friggin 50 years old…I want to be 20 though.The good and he bad, I want it all…late night parties, drinkin til I puke, long taxi rides home from Jane-knows-where…reality tv opportunities, bff’s, love that will of course never last longer than the phone call that ends it,mood swings,getting lost on the beach,road trips,heart wrenching dramatic battles with my inner-self,enough time to kill the memories of even the eldest,wisest elephant walking the planet, shopping sprees that blow my checks away as if I never had a job to begin with…I really think I’ve discovered the issue now!
(Don’t you feel lucky?I literally have conversations like this aloud when I “analyze my life” until I come to ground breaking conclusions such as this! And you’ve witnessed it; semi-live.psh…blogging is such a beautiful thing huh?haha)
Back then when I was pushing out babies and freely disbursing my treasured virginity to the first “I love you” to approach me, I really didn’t understand what I was throwing away for the price of struggling. I missed the whole “awwww shit I’m young AND free?” experience before it even approached me and now that it’s here, I’m forced to watch it sit right in front of my face, ruined by some shit I could’ve easily prevented,like a small child watching his prized NBA standard basketball get viciously mauled by a U-HAUL truck in the midst of the summer heat due to a careless,experimental dribble. His ball and his little heart full of high hopes…crushed, at least for the moment,temporarily ruining his dreams of becoming a pro athlete by one seemingly harmful slip up.I’m sure I’ll get another shot at living life to its plentiful potential, just as the little boy will get another ball for Xmas or whatever…that’s not really the point though but what I’m trying to say is…The reason I’ve been so down and out,missing my old habits may be due to extreme envy of other 20 yr olds and their life styles.I get invited plenty of places and can’t go or i get invited out to places where i have no business going,really lol. The thrill in my life is gone…well not really “gone” since I never got a chance to experience it in the first place but yea…wow.I’m glad I got that out of my system…of course this version of my thought process is edited quite a bit due to my large tech savvy family lol
(Those sketchers shoes are hideous by the way,just a thought…)
(Disclaimer: I have never experimented with or encouraged steroid, acid, or “roofie” use.)