my birthday was this past weekend and i ddnt celebrate it the way tht i hoped to.but in the midst of all the chaos and disappointment of my crunchy ass cake and stale walmart brand dorritos...i had to prevent myself from havin a break down crying like a punk lol.i stepped outside of the situation and saw it for wat it was...a regular saturday with regular family like any other regular last minute vacation.so wat if i was born on the 29th 19 years ago...life goes on whether i got any gifts or not..some ppl dont evn kno wen their bday is,let alone have ppl there to say "hey,have a good day today,u deserve it!"i started to wonder...hmm 19 years?wat have i done with myself?...like 4 yrs ago around this time i was pregnant and lyin my ass off to everyone around me bcuz i thot i would go to hell if ppl knew i wasnt a virgin...then 2 years ago on my bday i was pregnant and ashamed of myself for tryin so hard to kill my baby...last year,i was blowin money i ddnt have on stupid things,worried about my next tattoo or my next bf,had no job,car,license,goals,responsibility,nothin...and i thot i was the shit because i graduated on time lol.now tht i look back....ive done so much in one year than i had done in the 18 yrs pryor to this bday.but i can honestly say tht im falling from my high horse in slow motion...separating my feelings from the reality of my circumstance got me sooo far.and now tht ive had bfs since thn tht i let get into my head,made my own money so i could buy watever,had my license so i could go wherever with who ever....i def was not as responsible as i shouldve been and i still have some work to do...before i started workin at fbo i was content with bein broke as long as someone was givin me allowance or lettin me go out and chill with some frends,i damn sure wasnt sweatin college cuz i mean....i got my diploma and thts all tht i needed cuz i was "gifted" at some point so i could go to any skool wenever i felt like it...but now tht ive juggled skool,1 1/2 jobs,exams,daycare expenses,baby daddy nonsense, payin for my own gas and car and food,clothes...i feel so lazy without something to do.i feel even more broke thn i do lazy and trust me its takin alot for me not to resort to sellin drugs or strippin cuz if i had some rhythm in my body and the mind set to actually dodge cops,i mite be doin both rite now and be super straight...luckily i cant dance to save my life and im far too uncoordinated to sell drugs lol.but im jus sayin tho like without a job and skool,i realized how much i kinda dislike bein a mom...and dnt get me rong,i love my kids.if i ddnt i wouldnt be workin so hard...but i dont love bein a mom.and say wat u want but after tht first 4-5 years,the spark and joy of little surprises becomes less enjoyable and more tedious than anything.and it may be because my body is adjusting from bein around other pplz kids all the time...i spent more time with the kids at my job thn i did with my own kids and maybe thts wats throwin me off.theres alot of things tht i missed out on like i ddnt kno lizzy doesnt like certain things...and for a second i was like...dang shes 2?when did she turn 1?like ive been so disconnected from them it kinda feels like im their babysitter more than their mother cuz im so used to droppin them off to other ppl while i work or go to class.and feelin disconnected like tht has made me a little sad...not too sad but i do kinda wish i ddnt have to try so hard for nothing.i havnt had any income at all really for a minute.
well i got paid my last check on the 28th but so far,its lookin like my last check for a while and im kinda gettin a little irritated that im not gettin anything comin in but i gotta pay this person and tht person to watch the girls while i go on interviews or turn in applications...gotta buy the girls dinner,tinas shoes and clothes...like my money and patience and willingness to put forth effort is slowly runnin out.im optimistic all or most of the time but u can only be happy for so long before u run outta juice and say eff it.sooo im realizing tht "happy" isnt cuttin it and i really need to go beast mode and literally focus on money...
bein a mom is officially 2nd on my list because i cant be a mom if im broke as chuck u kno?im goin ham from this very second on and i would like some encouragement to go further instead of ppl sayin great job for makin it this far.tht will help me keep in mind tht yes,im doing well considering my circumstance but i could be doin much better.

i kno this topic isnt very controversial but i figured it was time for an update and i havent been gettin much feedback on any topics so...yea lol.