so im sure a few ppl...girls mostly who are dating an ex/baby daddy of mine...are wondering how i feel about the father[s] of my children...
for starters,i have no emotional connection with either one and theres a 99% chance tht it will remain tht way unless they start selling "how to say sorry i screwed u over for dummies" books in walmart.lol.both of them are good people as individuals but both treat me terribly most of the time...there was a point in time where i was desperately trying to get them to love me and thts not a good look for anybody so i jus sed eff it.tinas dad has been trying to convince me tht we're going to become a happy family one day after he gets right while lizzys dad has a semi relationship but still kinda hits me up u kno...and ive given up on both of those guys bcuz im pretty damn cute and i have alot of stuff goin for me and i do
nt feel like either of them could help me go anywhere in life except one hell of a ride tht leads to nowhere.i do not hate them,i do feel a tad bit sorry for thm bcuz of wat they thot they felt for me.but at the same time,they did me wrong.it is hard to forgive ppl but once i did,i realized they have nothing inside,or out that could ever satisfy wat i would like out of a relationship.tinas dad actually does show tht he loves me and christina tho,i'll give him tht.with the circumstance tht he's in,hes doin wat he can to be with her and provide for her.lizzys dad has a more stable environment and is a great father but in both cases i had to take a step back and be like,"deena,do u want a boy to treat ur daughters this way one day?if the answer is no, then wat makes it ok for these dudes,the fathers of ur girls, to treat u this way" and after i thot about it with no emotions attached,it was easy for me to get over thm u kno.esp lizzys dad.he hurt me the most just becuz he was hiding so much from me and his gf at the time tht i had no clue about.and im not the type to mess up anyones relationship bcuz thts a bunch of time tht i dont have and a bunch of shit tht i do not wanna smell u kno?and evn after i had lizzy he was still tryna like hook up with me or watever bcuz his gf wouldnt and for a few months i actually believed he was only doin this becuz he loved me bu thn i asked him one day wat we were and he told me we were never frends and it was jus sex and tht his fam liked his gf at the time better than they liked me.leaving her for me wouldnt be right bcuz everybody liked her,not me.i ddnt know wat to say really cuz i was weak at the time.but at tht moment,i knew that my attitude towards him would always b one of hatred or anger or evn pitty becuz im a damn good companion and he let me go.but like i sed in another blog,i dont chase ppl down and try to make thm love me bcuz last time i did tht,it blew up in my face and i looked like the fool.i changed as much as i could about myself for tht kid to want me,i stopped eatin to lose weight, i tried to win him over with my cooch and tht did not work...so yes,im def over both of thm.they've definitely made me a tad bit heartless,i will admit.im very upfront with guys now,im pretty quick to flip the situation if a guy ever tries me like tht again.im less dependent on a bf becuz im fine by myself...and thts wat i feel about them :)lolokkk...so next i was asked wat kind of guys am i attracted to...hmm...normally i dont have a type bcuz 90% of the time,guys approach me and i go with the flow if its flowin right lol.seems like i go for dark skin,tight eyes,low cuts...ive talked to guys with hair tho and ive talked to guys that had a lighter complexion tho its just most of the time it doesnt work for watever reason.i like the opposite of me really.i love strong bone structure in the face tho...taller is nice.i tend to like
"bad boys" but im kinda gettin out of tht lol.not much but im tryinggg :) umm...idk...im pretty open minded tho.
i have to go somewhere but ill finish up later tho :)
"-LATER-"ok so i was thinking yesterday while i was driving with no radio...and i was wondering if im meant to be one of those ppl tht just grow old by themselves...like stay single forever.not in a sad lonely way of course but just happily unmarried.maybe im more of a common law type of gal?lol.(if u dnt kno wat tht is,u should look it up...i actually almost typed out wat it was but it was def too long to explain lol)
but yea...for once i was thinkin tht maybe im not meant to be stuck with one person.plus i dont even thin k it would be right fr me to get married if i dont go to church,i dont evn really know wat religion i am,and i think organized religion is a bit of a gimmick sometimes.getting married wouldnt mean anything to me.and wen i say a "gimmick" i mean like the church tht i grew up in had a bunch of hypocrites in there and i dont want to be one of those ppl tht just go to church bcuz it looks good or becuz "ur supposed to".i dont behave in a holy manner so i dont feel comfortable going into a holy place and worshiping something/someone that im gonna go against like 15 minutes after i leave.thts just not me.some ppl are truly holy and some ppl are dedicated to their religion so im not knockin anyone for goin to church. but i am saying tht its just not for me.and if i dont dont believe in something 100%,wats the point in me getting married by it?i might as well stay single or stay with someone who makes me happy without all the name changing and paperwork and legal stuff...and money.maybe we'll have anniversary ceremonies or get engaged and keep it tht way...idk.i just dnt think id get too much of a thrill out of getting married lol.id just be like ok...?the hell did i spend all this money for?...esp if it doesnt work out lmao.tht would suck big time bcuz i wouldnt want to be stuck with someone who used to make me happy,gave me beautiful children,but thn made me miserable and alone and heartless cuz ive done tht shit already...twice!and for free!haha...wheeww tht was kinda funny lol.but i digress, hmm...but yea.marriage isnt anything im anxious for,or evn waiting/hoping/preparing for.
but then i guess u could argue "why have a relationship if its not gonna lead to marriage"
and thts a good point except i meant ppl never really intend on marrying everyone they date u kno.like if tht was the case i wouldve been plannin on marrying my first bf...which wasss...uumm... damn who was it?lol.oh!enaris...in like 7th grade.
ppl form relationships with their companions to be happy and to fill up some space in their schedule of life when times get sad,lonely,unstable,or just boring.a companion is somewat there to "counter-act" those things i guess...to make u happy,not alone,stable with some sort of direction,and of course for the excitement of getting to know a new person deeper than a frend.and once that space is filled,the longevity of the relationship is how well U fit into their space while theyre fitting into urs...like a puzzle u kno.and throughout the time tht u 2 are together,u'll find a moment when u kinda push and wiggle the puzzle piece to where it kinda fits to ur liking but thn none of the other pieces work.and thts wen ur life starts to change like maybe u loose contact with some
frends or ur skool work starts slackin or maybe even ur sleeping habits are off a little bit,money might be going different places than it used to and u find urself broke more quickly...anything.so eventually u realize tht this person is not the piece tht u needed...or they realize tht ur not the piece they needed.even tho from one of the 2 perspectives,the pieces fit quite well,sometimes one persons puzzle isnt gonna match up in some places.and like with any puzzle,u could say eff it,put all the pieces back in ur life box and put it on the shelf as some shit u TRIED to do but could never figure out and end the relationship.u can ask for help with the puzzle and go to counceling or ask a frend/family member/hobo/whoever to help u make this piece find its place.or u could find some scissors and cut the piece to make it fit...like changing urself so it will work.like if the puzzle piece was partying,u could stop partying to maybe make the piece fit.and if it still ddnt fit because the other persons insecure then u can go get the scissors again....and if tht doesnt work u could keep snippin away at tht piece but eventually,it will be nothing but a bunch of tiny pieces tht u cant put back together because theyve gotten mixed up and its hard to tell which problems belonged to who because the two of u have changed who u were and snipped up that piece tht was never gonna fit anyway,and now both of u are lost,unhappy,and unfamiliar with the person in the mirror and the person u see wen u roll over in bed...i dont know how to conclude tht long,brilliant metaphor lol.but i will say this tho...i like puzzles but im more of the "eff it,ill put it back in the box" type of person because ive tried the other two options and those were a waist of my time.every person is different tho...and its especially hard if u dnt know wat u want in the first place lol.
well...thts it for now.all tht puzzle connecting kinda took all my juices for the day lol.i hope this answered ur questions? :)feel free to keep 'em comin tho!
from my blog to ur brain,
-deena
ps...is tht a good catch phrase or should i use something else? lol
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