i went to walmart last night to get tina's Easter basket...while i was looking thru the madness of last minute walmarters for a purple basket and a black baby doll,i was just like...wth am i doin all this for if we're not goin to church for easter?like we're not doin anything...it felt like i was just throwin money away...its so weird wen u think about how much money people are making from sacred holiday events like xmas and easter...shameful huh?plus like half the ppl celebrating this holiday,dont evn kno wat it means.i grew up celebrating easter and i ddnt know wat the point of easter was until i was like in the 11th grade wen i took my world religions class.it seems like ppl just jump on the easter wagon as proof tht theyre semi-religious.like i wont be one of those ppl u see in church like "wait,who r u?" bcuz they only show up for thnxgiving,xmas,and easter...why go to the holiday sevices tht are longer than regular service 3 times a year...is it to make up for all the weekends u missed that one hr of church so u treat it kinda like "make-up work" and pop up for a good 2 or 3 hours on x mas or new yrs or Easter or watever?thts y im anti-organized religion cuz tht ish is phony and a scam.u can believe in something without going to church.and i think someone mentioned tht u have to o to church to worship God but in my bible class way bak in the day,i was taught that i can pray from anywhere and worship from anywhere...in the car,in class,on the toilet,in the jungle,wherever.so y is it required of ppl of God to go to church a few times out of the year vs some ppl tht go every night or even 3-4 times a week?like does tht make u a bad person?no,of course not.it does make u somewhat of a hypocrite tho.i mean cummon,all year u've been partyin and getting out of control,grinding ur stank behind on the groins of many men in the club,singing along to sexually explicit,violent music,walkin around with ur chest and ur bum squishing from the seems of ur napkin-sized dress,havin crazy monkey sex with ppl u'll never talk to again,or maybe ur even one to cheat the govt of a few bux or steal from ur job...ooh but its fine,i'm goin to church tomoro...see how effed up tht sounds??
or wen i was at downtown campus,we had a discussion about how much priests and ministers and church figures get paid.rollin around in brand new cars with rims and nice houses full of nice workers...where the heck is all tht collection money goin??ive always wondered tht.i never saw any kind of improvement in the church i went to,like everything always stayed the same.and wat was given for collection before money existed,bread?and wth is God,the creator of the guys who evn came up with the concept of money,gonna do with my cash?buy some chrome gates with voice activation?all tht money,and nothing to show for it but a blinged out priest and his wife's coach accessories.who is tht money goin to?cuz i know for dang sure theres no way its goin to God unless he has some kind of top secret bank account tht we deposit money into?
and like in the 2nd grade,i stole out of the collection thing and got caught and had to go repent and im thinkin like...wth is up with tht?i can steal from God,say my bad and everythings all good?can i squash a roach and say sorry and be ok?or punch children in the face,abuse handicap ppl,smash all the b-words and h-words,rob and kill ppl,break the law in all wonderful colorful sorts of ways and say im sorry,forgive me...and everything will be ok?and the same ppl tht would be like "yes,He forgives everything" are the ones ready to get somebody on death row for killing ppl.like wtf??
and then i hate how ppl refer to everything as being "saved"...saved from wat?wat if im a better person,moral wise,than most ppl tht go to church,never squashed a misquito,mayb 1 or 2 flies tho...never cursed or hated anyone and basically was just plain awesome but i never went to church or evn thought about a higher being or believed in anything...would i go to hell?since non-believers go to hell,wat happens to the good ppl who dont believe?if God is so understanding,why isnt it ok to be a good person and not believe?like would i just be floating in the depths of the afterlife or would i have to be placed in either heaven or hell?u cant really go somewhere that u dont believe in when ur getting into the whole afterlife thing u kno?and with hell,u cant feel any kind of physical things without a body right?sooo why is everyone afraid of pain in hell?ppl suffer everyday from physical pain and have survived it so who says u cant survive hell?or has someone come back to earth after being in hell for some time like "damn yo,hell is like...hell u kno man.shit's terrible!and painful!"and if god is so forgiving,why would he condemn souls to a place where they are unhappy and tortured?is it possible to like get out of hell maybe?or are u there forever if u died while robbing a bank and ddnt have time to ask for forgiveness right quick?or is there a handbook tht comes with the bible tht explains all of many different scenarios where u dnt have time to repent but u were planning to?
i do not attend church on any day of the year because i feel like church is a place for ppl who believe in their religion and live by it 100% or atleast 95% with questions,but not doubts strong enough to try and prove their religion wrong.and since im not confident that my religion is worth believing in,im not about to sit my happy butt in a place of worship just to be there so ppl can see that im "goin to church"...and i feel a tad bit angry at ppl who go to church so tht it looks nice on their resume of life...
and i thot of all of this while at the walmart register,wondering y i was spendin 10 bux on something tht i ddnt believe in...
call me wat u want, but thts truly how i feel.
from my blog to ur brain,
-deena
you are so my sister
ReplyDeleteWay to stick to the polar extremes. But what about mediums. O don't go to church regularly, not even on holidays, but when I do go I feel good - at peace. Without church I wouldn't have learned how to worship at home, or what I was worshipping. When I was little, I was so close to God, there was no doubt or question something about physically being on church and worshipping with others brings me back to that place. I don't think I'm a hypocrite and I don't think u should judge the hypocracy of others. Because no matter what u see someone doing in the club, u have no idea what's going on in their heart. Just like a student from a crappy school can work their way into Harvard, a soul in a corrupt church can pray there way into heaven.
ReplyDeleteHello Deena! Nice blog. Whew, you sure had a lot to say! I agree with your points about how Easter and Christmas have both become commercialized holidays but I disagree with many of your other points concerning religion, hell, good people, and some other stuff. I would love to talk with you about those things if you ever wanted to because Christianity isn't about being scared of hell (and I know that's probably what you've been taught) it's a whole lot bigger than the afterlife and suffering. So, holla at a brother if you ever want to discuss this religion thing and really learn the truth about Resurrection Sunday and why those who truly believe celebrate it. You know how to get in touch with me. Love You!
ReplyDeleteFrom Ben, Joy's husband.
thank u for ur feedback!
ReplyDelete@ joy- you are definitely right.i hadnt thought about it that way. plus i'm sure church was emphasized a little more wen u were growing up than it was with me.church was also probably modeled differently as well.with me,my mom just kinda dropped me off at bible study every wednesday night.or on sundays wen i was an alter girl,she'd drop me off at church and wait outside wen service was over to pick me up.it was never emphasized as a good experience as much as it was a chore or something tht i had to do.i ddnt have someone there to help me understand why i was going there every week but no one else in my family would so maybe thats why its hard for me to find peace in religion.not all people are hypocrites and those who are may have other things going on in their lives that are making it hard for them to stay close to God so,ur right,i shouldnt judge someone and their holiness on wat i see.
@Ben-i guess i went a lil hard about the hell thing because i do kno a little better than tht lol.but umm..i tink wat my confusion is about is being comfortable as a christian.i dont feel comfortable at all as a christian.i kno there are other religions out there and i just dont believe that Christianity is right for everyone.i will admit,i know very little about christianity,def not enough to make umm...educated opinions about who's holy and who is not.i wouldnt mind looking more into it tho.maybe tht would help me to not look down on some ppl because of their dedication to their religion.its hard to relate to someone who is religious wen u dont understand wat they see or how they feel about religion.just like anything,there is more than one way to see things and interpret things.my experiences with the church have been a major influence in the way i see religion and its holidays...
what are yalls advice on how to get over my bad experiences with the church?maybe u could tell me some stories of ur good experiences with the church or even share what u felt the moment u knew u were connected to God...
thank u all for ur comments :) love u guyss!!
-deena
*i ddnt mean joy lol.sorry june*
ReplyDeleteit's ok, they all mix us up! I'm just glad I have a cousin like you who makes me think about stuff! I'm slowly leaving the world of apathy. ;)
ReplyDeletemy first child and pregnancy was a still born baby boy. while recovering i was told i had fibros and would most likely have to have a complete hysterectomy. my convalescent time was spend in church where i joined a prayer group. we met 2x a week. at the end we would do a close out prayer.i cried everyday all day. one day this lady in the prayer group reached 4 my hand and said "he loves you, u just need to believe. with him we can do all things and we started to pray. i felt a thump in my belly tat scared the heck out of me. i jumped and ran out. i continued to pray just on my own. the time came to get my fibros removed. my husband and i both had to sign a paper tat stated if the tumors could not be remove fr uterus then an hysterectomy was the only option. had surgery my dr. walked in with xrays taken b4 the surgery pointed at the xrays and tried to explain to us tat the tumors were inbedded in my uterus and she was prepared to remove all reproducing tools instead when she went in the fibros were jus dangling,surgery was sucessful and your cousin is now 15. shame on me. im not fr missouri...ok? a true christain dont have 2 always see to believe. seek and u shall find..The B-I-B-L-E
ReplyDeleteYou probably already know my story...I was the prized daughter who b/c of fear of disappointing my parents and gparents did everything right. I went to catholic school, catechism, sat in church bored to death, cyo, even met Pope JP II. All the while I was confused about the bible and what it said. I was bored with church and all that ritualistic stuff. Then it happended...those words "You Have Multiple Sclerosis". The only ppl we knew with the disease were crippld or dead. Even though I couldnt walk, feed myself, bathe myself and lost all hope, I still prayed to the only God I ever knew bc thats what going to church all those years taught me. There were church folk that laid hands on me and prayed their rosaries day in and day out. I became hopeless bc the circumstances were not changing. Time went by and I did improve enough to go back to school and graduate. When I moved to NC a friend invited me to a non-denominational church. I went a few times bc the pastor was saying some very interesting things, not things that i had never heard I guess it was just more relatable bc of my past circumstances. One day he invited everyone to close their eyes and consider their relationship with God. Did I feel like I could always go to him? Did I trust him? Was there anyone else in my life that I could trust more? He then asked if I wanted to spend eternity in the same hell with the same pain that I was currently in. Of course I didn't. That was the day that I decided to follow Jesus Christ without a doubt. I have since lost my vision 2xs and lost feeling in my hand and feet. Although I was told that I may never see again...I have 20/19 vision! When everyone around me told me that I shouldnt be livin alone, I did it. When they said that I shouldnt try to have a baby, he's 5 months old and extremely healthy. None of my victories were immediate. I had to be quiet and wait on God. It was all in his time not mine. I dont believe that I would have been victorious if not for my faith in God. I know that your upbringing has alot to do with your feelings/beliefs. Pls dont allow the past to keep you from living a victorious life and being the example Tina and Lizzy need. Just like you said b4, one step is better than no steps.
ReplyDeleteI kno you feel lonely in that place, pls kno that I love you and am so proud of what you have accomplished thus far. Anytime you need a nonjudgemental ear or encouragement...pls call. I luv u cuz.