so the guy tht came to see me wen my lights went out is super kool u kno.like im feelin him or watever but we were on the phone earlier like less than 2 hours ago and something clicked in my head.although he sounded so cute and sleepy over the phone and it was prime cake time hour,i was in my own little world being selfisha nd thinking of myself lol.and this is wat i aed(to myself in my head lol)
Deena[my better judgement will have a capitol 'D']:why the fuck arent u sleepin??
deena:tru tru...i dunno tho.he works all day and this is the only time i can talk to him really cuz the girls are sleepin.and i like cakin.plus im up anyway...
Deena:cakin??wat the hell is cakin?u are not betty crocker.u are deena.do u kno that cake mode is for children,playing games and watnot.wat the hell are u doin?ur too big for cake-age!
deena:hmm...but im 18.this is wat 18yr olds do...they cake and stuff.
Deena:legally,yes u r 18.mentally,physically,emotionally,bitch ur effin like 80 somethin compared to an avg 18 yr old.u lived out your teen yrs,ur 20's,and 30's in a matter of 3 yrs so yes:ur 18 but u do not cake...
...and so with tht,i realized tht i was right.caking is too old for me,and i am too old for caking.but riddle me this myspace:
how am i supposed to find someone that im compatable with if im always 2 steps ahead?why is it that every guy tht ive met within the past few months of my single life only wants half of me...and its not the half tht im willing to give right now.yes,sex is enjoyable but i want something left over after my good looks are gone.something like..i dunno,love?maybe i have a sign on my forehead tht says fuck me or something?because i dont dress myself in a sexual way or flirt around like a sleeze or party hard and get taken advantage of while in a drunken state of mind.i dont talk about sex like its golden and i dont brag about havin a big ass or good nookie.i dont understand why its so difficult to find someone on the same page as me.or maybe i did find tht person but let them go bcuz at the time i was still in "cake mode" .or maybe tht person let me go because i wasnt willing to trust them all the way becuz of my own selfish reasons.hell,i could just be one of those unlucky people tht have a match but never find them...
this summer,my mind has been wandering through unknown patches and hidden corners in the garden of wisdom.and yea,i hate discovering tht my ways are sometimes not the best for me and require a little alteration,but change is not always bad for me.i feel like im getting my own identity now tht im making decisions tht please me and not other people.like,if i were a flower,i would be something simple and common like a rose or something:most everyone appreciates its beauty and the smell is bleh.but now,im changing into something more beautiful,more unique and much more devine than just the avg rose with lots of colors and a much more interesting smell lol.im becoming my own flower and dammit:
oh,what a flower am i
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