Twos-day

 Hello beautiful people...

I mention often that I don't have "anyone to talk to"...not true. I do have people to talk to. I don't want to talk to them. Two very different things lol.

I decided to talk to people and ya know what? I don't know if i'll ever do that shit again. Sure, the intention and concern was valid and from a place of love but...ehn. I like to move in silence, i like to keep my business to myself. I'm afraid of public embarrassment or humiliation. Fear of public - no. Being myself and being disliked for that - no. But being humiliated or embarrassed? Nah...I dont eat that well. EVER... I usually disappear until I forget what the shame feels like. 

I don't know...I really got on here to reflect on my life a lil bit today.

I was driving to work early this morning and my eyes got locked on the trees to my left and right. The street isnt narrow but it's a 2-way road only. Just me, the trees, and my thoughts.

I look back on my videos and journals and cringe sometimes. I'm a bit unpredictable, even for myself. One thing I'll always get a kick out of though is my growth. I look at 20-yr old me and think wow, girl you have no idea yet. The 20-yr old me looked at my 15-yr old self at some point with the same feeling, I'm sure. That's why I do this. The internet is the only reasonable place to store all of this history. Books are cumbersome to move from home to home, pages getting worn and ink fading...

I have a feeling my life is about to take a turn in a very...turbulent direction. I'm in line for the roller coaster, type shit. The lines scooting closer and closer to the front and I know it's too soon to skip ahead, too late and too crowded to turn back. Fuck it. I gotta wait my turn, get on the ride, and try not to look too crazy when they snap that fugly picture right before the drop down a right-angled slope.

I'm nervous and unsure. It's been a struggle for me to put my feelings before others...I've always been that way. I keep forgetting to work on that because I make others feel good and I like that. I have no choice this time. I have to make the change or accept the insanity. 

I'm not insane...unique, maybe a little misunderstood, outspoken, expressive....but not insane.

💚