January 8th

Wow...Week 2. 

Describe a challenge you overcame last year. What inner strength helped you through it?

Ok January 8th...

Last year was the year of Mommas. My mom, mom in law, yo mama...all them hoes got on my nerves, respectfully lol.

Most importantly, I realized empathy is something that everyone deserves. It's hard "momming"...when you're done momming and your kids are independent adults, what is that life about or who is it for? Do you even know who you are or what you like anymore? Are you in the physical/mental condition to even think about being happy? Do all those suppressed feelings from disagreements and lost battles still linger deep down, slowly creeping to the surface as you sit in the solidarity of being alone. 

All I ask for in the morning from my family is for them to leave me alone for 30 minutes so I can think. Will I regret asking them that so often? Scary right?

Your kids are grown and would rather not take your advice as they begin to realize the traumatic shit you used to do while you were trying to keep it all together as it overflowed out of your control. Is your man still there? Were you over worked so much that you lost your patience with everything and everyone? Now that you're alone do you realize the things that demanded the best parts of you were now the only parts of you that gave you purpose? 

I think about these to hopefully avoid repeating a cycle. If my choices lead me to repeating the cycle, I hope my kids read my journals and find the spark in the light bulb that helps them pivot and make some changes for the betterment of themselves and my future grandbabies.

To be fair, no one has told me these are accurate feelings and I'm still raising babies who think I'm a goddess and love me unconditionally...even while I potentially unknowingly traumatize them lmao

Watching an older woman stammer through loneliness is a sight to see. I saw myself in my mother in some ways and I think that's where my sadness met some truly overwhelming, paralyzing, disassociating frustration. The challenge for me was to keep my heart open be forgiving...even though I firmly believe I was lied to and finessed because of how nice I am. 

I'm a cutter-offer. Easily. I enjoy it. if you show me something in your character that looks like a flag, waves like a flag, and its red??

Nope...FOMF

But she's my mom...and until recently, I guess I never really knew her like that. I only knew her as a mom and she's done a damn good job taking care of us. I never saw her as a woman, a coworker, a friend, a human...That's the challenge. Shifting my perspective and refraining from judging her based off of her good times and trying to support her during her low time without getting dragged down low with her. 

Challenge accepted Momma.

💚deena