Well I had my 30 wk appointment yesterday and I have a trillion thoughts racing through my brain.
They're all very good thoughts, but nerve-wrecking to say the least.
I was looking back at a post I wrote in August about pursuing my goal/dream job and I feel like a loser. I've taken some steps towards the mission but my-oh-my...im late than a muhfugga tho.
My life is overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I'm handling what I've got going so far but with another baby in the mix? Ionno mannn...I'm kinda nervous about how this will be. I have Jumbo with me to help me out but I want to be able to keep up when it's just me. 4 kids...smh. holy cannolis. I like cannolis, I love my kids...I don't like Wal-Mart trips with my kids though. I don't really like getting out of my vehicle in a public lace with all of them with me either...its just a task that I truly could do without in my evenings. So, to avoid this, I must be more organized...Not just typing and talking and dreaming about it. I need to just do it. I need to have a plan for what I'm making for dinner, I need to have an idea of who's got a game, and who's got rehearsal, and who's got this and that....I've got to give in to dedicating my brain and my life to...dundunDUUUNNNN.....Mommy mode. I'm not with that shit just yet. I know, it's a little late for this revelation but this is my safe space so here we are, this is the truth about how I feel. I don't want to be a hamster in a wheel. Doing the same thing everyday for others and then the weekend comes and I'm exhausted. I actually found myself excited for the dryer to buzz so I could fold underwear! what in the fuck is happening to me?!? I'm sure some on-lookers are "proud" of who I'm becoming. But is it about what others think? Or what other people are proud of? Does it even really count for anything if I'M not proud of myself?
I can't imagine what my life would be like without my kids and my husband...I can't even really say if I'd even be anything close to who I am today. A year ago, I didn't think I'd be having a baby boy...20 years ago I didn't think I'd be married with 4 kids and a job that I stumbled upon...a good job. I'm curious as to where I'll wind up if I actually put some conscious planning into my life. All the great things that I have fell upon me by the literal grace of my God. Is it my karma? If so, it's not bad at all. I have a beautiful life. I just want more control of the beauty in my life, more responsibility for obtaining the beauty I possess...more intent. So...with that being said, I'm giving up my fear of failure. If I fail, I'll deal with it then, but I won't allow myself to fail easily. I'm going back to school and I'm working my ass off...4 kids in Wal-Mart and all.
They're all very good thoughts, but nerve-wrecking to say the least.
I was looking back at a post I wrote in August about pursuing my goal/dream job and I feel like a loser. I've taken some steps towards the mission but my-oh-my...im late than a muhfugga tho.
My life is overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I'm handling what I've got going so far but with another baby in the mix? Ionno mannn...I'm kinda nervous about how this will be. I have Jumbo with me to help me out but I want to be able to keep up when it's just me. 4 kids...smh. holy cannolis. I like cannolis, I love my kids...I don't like Wal-Mart trips with my kids though. I don't really like getting out of my vehicle in a public lace with all of them with me either...its just a task that I truly could do without in my evenings. So, to avoid this, I must be more organized...Not just typing and talking and dreaming about it. I need to just do it. I need to have a plan for what I'm making for dinner, I need to have an idea of who's got a game, and who's got rehearsal, and who's got this and that....I've got to give in to dedicating my brain and my life to...dundunDUUUNNNN.....Mommy mode. I'm not with that shit just yet. I know, it's a little late for this revelation but this is my safe space so here we are, this is the truth about how I feel. I don't want to be a hamster in a wheel. Doing the same thing everyday for others and then the weekend comes and I'm exhausted. I actually found myself excited for the dryer to buzz so I could fold underwear! what in the fuck is happening to me?!? I'm sure some on-lookers are "proud" of who I'm becoming. But is it about what others think? Or what other people are proud of? Does it even really count for anything if I'M not proud of myself?
I can't imagine what my life would be like without my kids and my husband...I can't even really say if I'd even be anything close to who I am today. A year ago, I didn't think I'd be having a baby boy...20 years ago I didn't think I'd be married with 4 kids and a job that I stumbled upon...a good job. I'm curious as to where I'll wind up if I actually put some conscious planning into my life. All the great things that I have fell upon me by the literal grace of my God. Is it my karma? If so, it's not bad at all. I have a beautiful life. I just want more control of the beauty in my life, more responsibility for obtaining the beauty I possess...more intent. So...with that being said, I'm giving up my fear of failure. If I fail, I'll deal with it then, but I won't allow myself to fail easily. I'm going back to school and I'm working my ass off...4 kids in Wal-Mart and all.
No comments:
Post a Comment