So here I am....
At 26, I think it's safe to say, I 'm lost.
Mostly creatively lost. I'm in an awkward space between my creative truth and my "real life" that I have convinced myself is who I like to be.
I want to be creatively expressive and free but my creative freedom could potentially sever relationships and friendships that I've gained over these years of personal growth. When I was creatively happy, I got my satisfaction from freeing my mind of all my thoughts and feelings and transferring them onto paper or into the cyber universe. Throughout the years of doing so, I realized that some thoughts should stay to myself and others should be shared...but not ALL thoughts and opinions are wise to share with others lol
More importantly, my family dynamics have changed also. I used to be a young single mother of 2. Now, I'm a married mother of 3... Seems that I've become more private due to my respect for my husband. Although he encourages me to write and express myself, I don't want to put myself out as loosely as I did in the past, prior to meeting him and prior to marrying him. I'd have to come up with an alias...which I could do but...that would feel so weird to me lol I feel like I'm running from my inner self...but not because of fear, just because it seems to be one of those things that, unfortunately, I see myself growing out of. It's sad because I'm watching myself grow out of it and I've been trying to hold on but I'm realizing that holding on to my "dream", although it isn't holding me 'back', it's just holding me. Time is flying past me and before I can get my shit together, I'll be 30. No degree, no career, no direction. At 30. EW though, dawg. This was not the plan...of course I obviously didn't have a plan for this go-around of life on earth but that's okay. Next lifetime, I'll be a little more prepared...unless that's what I said last lifetime....then it's a wrap lol
Well anyway, while we're here, I started a podcast about a month ago. I love it, she's so perfect. But, she's so empty...I go to talk and find myself at a loss for words. So my husband and I have a weekly check-in type of thing where we update each other with our progression towards personal goals or aspirations. Today is Sunday and I have no new updates...other than this. And writing in my blog isn't slacking by any means, because I'm accomplishing some sort of growth when I blog...at least that's what I'd like to believe that's what the feeling is. However, I want to have episodes every week, dropping hot fi-ya...what do I talk about for 30 minutes other than how I don't know what to talk about for 30 minutes lmao.
Last week's check-in opened my eyes to a new avenue of release. I was venting my podcasting frustrations to my man (who has beautifully patient listening ears btw ;) and when I finished my list of classic procrastinator-esque excuses, he says, "Why don't you write a book?" My God, if this ain't my knight in shining armor, my man, my other half...duh!? Why don't I do that shit? I'm an amazing writer! I don't like to hear myself talk unless I can see myself talk but I don't wanna show my face....so here we are. I have a story, I have a voice, I'm half electrical artist, half mysterious writer...And I am torn...I'm trying to merge all of these into one craft...There's no way I can do that and have time for a "normal life"...
Sometimes I think about working for myself full time; going through the grind of starting from the bottom...and although it sounds triumphant and whatnot, I have to be realistic...The lifestyle I like to live requires a steady income...and that's not to say I have expensive taste but I have bills lmao Fear is definitely a key factor in my lack of dedication...fear of failure and fear of success. I don't know if I like my routine because its safe or if I can function without a routine...When I think about it, I'm not even really choosing my routine. Most people choose the job that chooses them first...right? Most parents don't choose when school starts...or practices or games...that's my routine. I've chosen to accept and master my routine so that it's not stressful, which I think could be the case for other working moms.
I would think it's safe to say I used to love not having a routine, but I was a mess back then...a hot mess lmao Now, I realize my routine keeps me employed, safe, and out of trouble lol so sacrificing comfort is not an easy thing for me to do. You could also look at it from this angle, if I didn't have a job, would Zo need to go to daycare? Would I need a car?...ehn...
So, that's what's been going on over here with me...a mid-mid-life crisis, to sum it all up lol.
When I pray to my mystical higher power, I pray to find ultimate self-confidence in my mental, intellectual, and spiritual beauty so I'll be ble to fulfill my true dream....smoking weed, sitting on the beach...or Panera for the free smells, creating and rapping and entertaining and being happy. True freedom.
At 26, I think it's safe to say, I 'm lost.
Mostly creatively lost. I'm in an awkward space between my creative truth and my "real life" that I have convinced myself is who I like to be.
I want to be creatively expressive and free but my creative freedom could potentially sever relationships and friendships that I've gained over these years of personal growth. When I was creatively happy, I got my satisfaction from freeing my mind of all my thoughts and feelings and transferring them onto paper or into the cyber universe. Throughout the years of doing so, I realized that some thoughts should stay to myself and others should be shared...but not ALL thoughts and opinions are wise to share with others lol
More importantly, my family dynamics have changed also. I used to be a young single mother of 2. Now, I'm a married mother of 3... Seems that I've become more private due to my respect for my husband. Although he encourages me to write and express myself, I don't want to put myself out as loosely as I did in the past, prior to meeting him and prior to marrying him. I'd have to come up with an alias...which I could do but...that would feel so weird to me lol I feel like I'm running from my inner self...but not because of fear, just because it seems to be one of those things that, unfortunately, I see myself growing out of. It's sad because I'm watching myself grow out of it and I've been trying to hold on but I'm realizing that holding on to my "dream", although it isn't holding me 'back', it's just holding me. Time is flying past me and before I can get my shit together, I'll be 30. No degree, no career, no direction. At 30. EW though, dawg. This was not the plan...of course I obviously didn't have a plan for this go-around of life on earth but that's okay. Next lifetime, I'll be a little more prepared...unless that's what I said last lifetime....then it's a wrap lol
Well anyway, while we're here, I started a podcast about a month ago. I love it, she's so perfect. But, she's so empty...I go to talk and find myself at a loss for words. So my husband and I have a weekly check-in type of thing where we update each other with our progression towards personal goals or aspirations. Today is Sunday and I have no new updates...other than this. And writing in my blog isn't slacking by any means, because I'm accomplishing some sort of growth when I blog...at least that's what I'd like to believe that's what the feeling is. However, I want to have episodes every week, dropping hot fi-ya...what do I talk about for 30 minutes other than how I don't know what to talk about for 30 minutes lmao.
Last week's check-in opened my eyes to a new avenue of release. I was venting my podcasting frustrations to my man (who has beautifully patient listening ears btw ;) and when I finished my list of classic procrastinator-esque excuses, he says, "Why don't you write a book?" My God, if this ain't my knight in shining armor, my man, my other half...duh!? Why don't I do that shit? I'm an amazing writer! I don't like to hear myself talk unless I can see myself talk but I don't wanna show my face....so here we are. I have a story, I have a voice, I'm half electrical artist, half mysterious writer...And I am torn...I'm trying to merge all of these into one craft...There's no way I can do that and have time for a "normal life"...
Sometimes I think about working for myself full time; going through the grind of starting from the bottom...and although it sounds triumphant and whatnot, I have to be realistic...The lifestyle I like to live requires a steady income...and that's not to say I have expensive taste but I have bills lmao Fear is definitely a key factor in my lack of dedication...fear of failure and fear of success. I don't know if I like my routine because its safe or if I can function without a routine...When I think about it, I'm not even really choosing my routine. Most people choose the job that chooses them first...right? Most parents don't choose when school starts...or practices or games...that's my routine. I've chosen to accept and master my routine so that it's not stressful, which I think could be the case for other working moms.
I would think it's safe to say I used to love not having a routine, but I was a mess back then...a hot mess lmao Now, I realize my routine keeps me employed, safe, and out of trouble lol so sacrificing comfort is not an easy thing for me to do. You could also look at it from this angle, if I didn't have a job, would Zo need to go to daycare? Would I need a car?...ehn...
So, that's what's been going on over here with me...a mid-mid-life crisis, to sum it all up lol.
When I pray to my mystical higher power, I pray to find ultimate self-confidence in my mental, intellectual, and spiritual beauty so I'll be ble to fulfill my true dream....smoking weed, sitting on the beach...or Panera for the free smells, creating and rapping and entertaining and being happy. True freedom.
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