I have to admit, I'm having the best pregnancy "experience" I've had so far during my short 23 years of life. It's also the most extremely uncomfortable pregnancy.
For some reason, a few nights out of the week I have bizarre dreams about people I love. Then, the rest of the week, I dream about my baby. I'm almost always in a store that I despise (Wal-Mart, Save-A-Lot, Ross) and I'm showing the baby to someone who seems curious about my bundle of joy. Then she farts or cries and I know it's time to change her so Malcolm and I go to the bathroom to change her. i ask for the diaper bag and undo her pamper to find...that she is a boy. Then Malcolm and I cry with joy while our child is laughing like they played the best, most clever joke on us.
Sometimes this dream makes me happy when I wake up and some days, well, most of the time, I wake up crying. Not intense crying but I have a few tears that roll down my face, hot and salty but my eyes feel dry. This is usually my sign on how my emotions will behave for the day. After I overcome my early-morning mood swing I feel like misery is dancing on my toes. I get into a slump that's really hard to shake and even more difficult to explain.
I don't feel sad or depressed. I'm actually quite happy. I just get extremely anxious and upset that I have to wait so long to meet Zola. Almost to the point of frustration.
And now that I'm 6 months, I hate comments on how big I am. I wasn't this big with Tina or Lizzy so to hear how "huge" I am, that I'm probably having twins, that my baby will be a 10-pounder, have long legs, come out the size of Malcolm....those sort of things make me worry. I get worried to the point where I drive myself crazy googling what I should be expecting and if it's possible to have twins and not know about it, how to prevent having an abnormally large baby, what if my doctor got my due date way off. I get really worried that I stress myself out and have random horrific thoughts. I usually have these the closer I am to seeing my doctor again. I'm always nervous they'll find something else in my belly besides my baby that would explain my rapid growth but also devastate me. I'm almost positive my anxious mind wants to see Zola more for confirmation of health more than the excitement of actually having her. I'd like to wait as long as I need to before I get to the contractions and pushing but at the same time, I can't see her and that bothers me. I can already tell I might have an attachment thing with Zola.
I felt similar when I was pregnant with Christina but only because I was so small. I stopped consuming anything but water really because my doctors were telling me I was constipated all that time and I was nervous about getting backed up. By the time I started taking prenatal vitamins and seeing a prenatal doctor, I was already pretty much 7 months along and freaking out because I was scared to tell anyone I hadn't been eating.
With Lizzy, I was so embarrassed (and selfish, I'd say for my situation), I was going to have an abortion but obviously didn't go through with it because I have people who care about me and made sure I was reminded of what family is. I get in a really deep sadness when I think about that part of my life actually. I'd rather not go into detail but I'm very thankful I had both of my daughters and raised them to be such beautiful, loving, children. They make me so happy and I'm proud of myself for overcoming what some may consider "obstacles".
Now, with Zola, I'm married, have a job, have my own life, my family is stable and everything around me is working together beautifully without drama or misery so I'm enjoying pregnancy. I'm enjoying feeling her move around in my tummy. Instead of a reminder of isolation, it's something I'm proud of and I constantly wait to feel. I know her sleep patterns think.
She wakes up at 7:30 and naps at around 9. She's moving again at 11 and then chills at around 1 30. 3:30, she's in her prime. This is when I feel Zola the most which is perfect because I'm alone in my office so I can play our favorite music. She's a bright child with an interesting taste. She doesn't like Jill Scott like I do but she loves Janet Jackson. She got that from Malcolm. I don't really role with Janet like that. There's one song by Janet, called Velvet Rope, that makes me cry so hard. It's actually quite comical because this is like a pop song, not a sad song. I either laugh so hard, I cry or I cry so hard that I laugh. I've never heard that song until maybe a month ago and every time, without fail, tears are rolling down my red face and my teeth are showing all the way back to my wisdom teeth. That's her favorite song. She loves jazz, too. Not smooth jazz but classic jazz, the real deal. She really enjoys listening to Harlem River Drive by Bobbi Humphrey and she moves around the most when I listen to "My Favorite Things" by John Coltrane. She's got good taste from Malcolm. Hopefully she dances like him too because that would just be the absolute cutest thing to me lol.
Today was a happy day. Writing about my pregnancy takes my mind off of the worrisome things that pop-up throughout the day.
We feel good.
For some reason, a few nights out of the week I have bizarre dreams about people I love. Then, the rest of the week, I dream about my baby. I'm almost always in a store that I despise (Wal-Mart, Save-A-Lot, Ross) and I'm showing the baby to someone who seems curious about my bundle of joy. Then she farts or cries and I know it's time to change her so Malcolm and I go to the bathroom to change her. i ask for the diaper bag and undo her pamper to find...that she is a boy. Then Malcolm and I cry with joy while our child is laughing like they played the best, most clever joke on us.
Sometimes this dream makes me happy when I wake up and some days, well, most of the time, I wake up crying. Not intense crying but I have a few tears that roll down my face, hot and salty but my eyes feel dry. This is usually my sign on how my emotions will behave for the day. After I overcome my early-morning mood swing I feel like misery is dancing on my toes. I get into a slump that's really hard to shake and even more difficult to explain.
I don't feel sad or depressed. I'm actually quite happy. I just get extremely anxious and upset that I have to wait so long to meet Zola. Almost to the point of frustration.
And now that I'm 6 months, I hate comments on how big I am. I wasn't this big with Tina or Lizzy so to hear how "huge" I am, that I'm probably having twins, that my baby will be a 10-pounder, have long legs, come out the size of Malcolm....those sort of things make me worry. I get worried to the point where I drive myself crazy googling what I should be expecting and if it's possible to have twins and not know about it, how to prevent having an abnormally large baby, what if my doctor got my due date way off. I get really worried that I stress myself out and have random horrific thoughts. I usually have these the closer I am to seeing my doctor again. I'm always nervous they'll find something else in my belly besides my baby that would explain my rapid growth but also devastate me. I'm almost positive my anxious mind wants to see Zola more for confirmation of health more than the excitement of actually having her. I'd like to wait as long as I need to before I get to the contractions and pushing but at the same time, I can't see her and that bothers me. I can already tell I might have an attachment thing with Zola.
I felt similar when I was pregnant with Christina but only because I was so small. I stopped consuming anything but water really because my doctors were telling me I was constipated all that time and I was nervous about getting backed up. By the time I started taking prenatal vitamins and seeing a prenatal doctor, I was already pretty much 7 months along and freaking out because I was scared to tell anyone I hadn't been eating.
With Lizzy, I was so embarrassed (and selfish, I'd say for my situation), I was going to have an abortion but obviously didn't go through with it because I have people who care about me and made sure I was reminded of what family is. I get in a really deep sadness when I think about that part of my life actually. I'd rather not go into detail but I'm very thankful I had both of my daughters and raised them to be such beautiful, loving, children. They make me so happy and I'm proud of myself for overcoming what some may consider "obstacles".
Now, with Zola, I'm married, have a job, have my own life, my family is stable and everything around me is working together beautifully without drama or misery so I'm enjoying pregnancy. I'm enjoying feeling her move around in my tummy. Instead of a reminder of isolation, it's something I'm proud of and I constantly wait to feel. I know her sleep patterns think.
She wakes up at 7:30 and naps at around 9. She's moving again at 11 and then chills at around 1 30. 3:30, she's in her prime. This is when I feel Zola the most which is perfect because I'm alone in my office so I can play our favorite music. She's a bright child with an interesting taste. She doesn't like Jill Scott like I do but she loves Janet Jackson. She got that from Malcolm. I don't really role with Janet like that. There's one song by Janet, called Velvet Rope, that makes me cry so hard. It's actually quite comical because this is like a pop song, not a sad song. I either laugh so hard, I cry or I cry so hard that I laugh. I've never heard that song until maybe a month ago and every time, without fail, tears are rolling down my red face and my teeth are showing all the way back to my wisdom teeth. That's her favorite song. She loves jazz, too. Not smooth jazz but classic jazz, the real deal. She really enjoys listening to Harlem River Drive by Bobbi Humphrey and she moves around the most when I listen to "My Favorite Things" by John Coltrane. She's got good taste from Malcolm. Hopefully she dances like him too because that would just be the absolute cutest thing to me lol.
Today was a happy day. Writing about my pregnancy takes my mind off of the worrisome things that pop-up throughout the day.
We feel good.
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