Today marks the 90th day on my countdown and I'm speechless. I'm sure 10 days from now, I won't know what to say.
Pregnancy is so beautiful. I feel a little disappointed that these 9 months are flying by so quickly. With Tina and Lizzy I felt like I was pregnant forever but with Zola, I'm getting nervous because once she's out, her life clock starts ticking and before we know it, she'll be 6, then 7, then 18. I'm really going to miss feeling her kick around inside of my belly but at the same time, I can't wait to see who she looks like. I'm a bit of a confused mess, I guess.
I'm also a little worried about life after Zola. I don't want to work a regular 9-5 because I want to get to know her and I want to be the one to provide her with the tools she needs to accomplish her baby milestones. I don't ant to drop her off and then Friday, use my whole check to pay someone else to watch her. It almost doesn't make sense...I'd rather stay home with her and the girls. While the thought of this "career change" is ideal, I'm not so secure with what the reality may be. I want to still live the lifestyle that I live now. Granted, I don't live a lavish life by any means. I don't invest in getting my nails/toes done and I do my own hair if I feel the need to be fancy, I don't wear make up and designer clothes, I've had the same purse since after I graduated high school (even though it kinda looks high school-ish). I'm simple. We do fun things as a family though, that we enjoy and these things cost money. Going to lunch together, paying $5 to get into the "nicer" beach, ordering pizza, having 2 vehicles, taking the girls to gymnastics...these things add up.We've lived and survived with one vehicle, not a problem but definitely a huge adjustment. I can cope with the absence of Hungry Howie's (maybe) and I don't think it would be difficult to afford visiting the nicer beach every once in a while. I love to cook so going out to eat won't be hard either but I'd really hate to take them out of gymnastics. They're progressing so well and even have hopes of making that a career path. I'm all for following and pursuing goals, especially for the girls. I'm really torn as to how to go about possibly removing them from something they love. I suppose I could attempt to continue training them except I don;t know what the hell I'm doing when it comes to flipping and beams and bars....I lose my mind watching them run through the house, how can I accommodate flipping too?! Now, in retrospect, gymnastics is probably not the issue but that's the best excuse I could find to channel my financial fears into. I like my job and my work environment because...well, it's easy. I really don't have to work hard to learn here, everything comes naturally and easily to me as far as training goes. The people I work with are great most of the time, and I don't have any troubles at this job. What would I do at home? Clean? Ew. Cook? Like all day? Will I get bored or will I love it? I hate cleaning though, for real. Well I hate the thought of cleaning all day to pass time, rather lol.And we don't have cable so I'm not going to be watching TV all day, maybe I could sit through Matilda a few times but I'd need a few series of Law and Order in order to survive the day. Or I could knit and sell what I knit? Or i could paint and sell what I paint? I could do any sort of craft and sell it, I'm sure. I could write to pass the time...sell that too. Sell Sell Sell....ugh. Not an entirely fun thought lol. I don't know what I want and I have very little time to decide. She could be here any day!
Lately I've been having terrible back pain, but I'm sure these pains are not contractions. I can't sleep through these pains, my hips are sore and my legs feel tingly and weird like they need to be stretched but that doesn't help either. Pillows between my legs don't work, sleeping on my left side (which is recommended) hurts my neck and upper back, sleeping on my right side makes my hips hurt more severely. When I'm sitting down, I can't close my legs, no matter how hard I try to be a lady. Now that I'm so large, I can't wear pants. You can imagine how uncomfortably awkward I feel in an office while wearing a dress and I can't close my legs underneath my belly. Super uncomfortable but literally, the least of my worries. My back hurts worse the longer I sit so if I'm not up and briskly walking, I'm in pain.My office is a trailer in the middle of essentially what some may consider "nowhere". It's difficult to briskly walk through here without looking like I'm pacing or panicked. I have gas so strong, "uncontrolable" doesn't quite describe it. Seems like I'm using the bathroom everytime I swallow my saliva and theres only one bathroom in here. I'm just over it. Driving over a huge cable bridge every morning and every afternoon to work in a power production plant in the middle of nothing is a little nerve-wrecking some days. Most days I try my best to think I'm driving over a small bridge to work in a flower production plant in the middle of the Virgin Islands and that kinda helps sometimes, but not often enough.
Good news is my craving and mood swings have subsided. I'm still pretty quick to cry over sentimental things but the tears don't randomly flow any more so I'm progressing. Malcolm has been so wonderful in keeping me sane through this. He's always great but dealing with the pregnant me really showed his true life-partner skills lol. Especially the time I said I was going to cut my hair off and he disagreed and told me I would hate it but I did anyway and then I hated it and dramatically cried whenever I saw myself in a mirror. He never rubbed it in my face. He just reminded me I was beautiful either way and I was still the same person whether I had long hair or not. Then I screamed through my snot and tears, "That's bullshit, but thank you anyway!" and we both got a good laugh out of it haha! Aw man, I'm excited to push Zola through the tunnel and have everything fall into place the way it's meant to be so I can stop worrying myself.
Although I am in pain and nervous about pretty much everything around me, the bottom line is this:
Nothing is more beautiful than creating new life and I'm sure everything around me will be beautiful because we're not alone. My husband is a strong, confident father and provider, and we have great family and friends in our circle that will help us through whatever may seem troubling.
90 days left....
Pregnancy is so beautiful. I feel a little disappointed that these 9 months are flying by so quickly. With Tina and Lizzy I felt like I was pregnant forever but with Zola, I'm getting nervous because once she's out, her life clock starts ticking and before we know it, she'll be 6, then 7, then 18. I'm really going to miss feeling her kick around inside of my belly but at the same time, I can't wait to see who she looks like. I'm a bit of a confused mess, I guess.
I'm also a little worried about life after Zola. I don't want to work a regular 9-5 because I want to get to know her and I want to be the one to provide her with the tools she needs to accomplish her baby milestones. I don't ant to drop her off and then Friday, use my whole check to pay someone else to watch her. It almost doesn't make sense...I'd rather stay home with her and the girls. While the thought of this "career change" is ideal, I'm not so secure with what the reality may be. I want to still live the lifestyle that I live now. Granted, I don't live a lavish life by any means. I don't invest in getting my nails/toes done and I do my own hair if I feel the need to be fancy, I don't wear make up and designer clothes, I've had the same purse since after I graduated high school (even though it kinda looks high school-ish). I'm simple. We do fun things as a family though, that we enjoy and these things cost money. Going to lunch together, paying $5 to get into the "nicer" beach, ordering pizza, having 2 vehicles, taking the girls to gymnastics...these things add up.We've lived and survived with one vehicle, not a problem but definitely a huge adjustment. I can cope with the absence of Hungry Howie's (maybe) and I don't think it would be difficult to afford visiting the nicer beach every once in a while. I love to cook so going out to eat won't be hard either but I'd really hate to take them out of gymnastics. They're progressing so well and even have hopes of making that a career path. I'm all for following and pursuing goals, especially for the girls. I'm really torn as to how to go about possibly removing them from something they love. I suppose I could attempt to continue training them except I don;t know what the hell I'm doing when it comes to flipping and beams and bars....I lose my mind watching them run through the house, how can I accommodate flipping too?! Now, in retrospect, gymnastics is probably not the issue but that's the best excuse I could find to channel my financial fears into. I like my job and my work environment because...well, it's easy. I really don't have to work hard to learn here, everything comes naturally and easily to me as far as training goes. The people I work with are great most of the time, and I don't have any troubles at this job. What would I do at home? Clean? Ew. Cook? Like all day? Will I get bored or will I love it? I hate cleaning though, for real. Well I hate the thought of cleaning all day to pass time, rather lol.And we don't have cable so I'm not going to be watching TV all day, maybe I could sit through Matilda a few times but I'd need a few series of Law and Order in order to survive the day. Or I could knit and sell what I knit? Or i could paint and sell what I paint? I could do any sort of craft and sell it, I'm sure. I could write to pass the time...sell that too. Sell Sell Sell....ugh. Not an entirely fun thought lol. I don't know what I want and I have very little time to decide. She could be here any day!
Lately I've been having terrible back pain, but I'm sure these pains are not contractions. I can't sleep through these pains, my hips are sore and my legs feel tingly and weird like they need to be stretched but that doesn't help either. Pillows between my legs don't work, sleeping on my left side (which is recommended) hurts my neck and upper back, sleeping on my right side makes my hips hurt more severely. When I'm sitting down, I can't close my legs, no matter how hard I try to be a lady. Now that I'm so large, I can't wear pants. You can imagine how uncomfortably awkward I feel in an office while wearing a dress and I can't close my legs underneath my belly. Super uncomfortable but literally, the least of my worries. My back hurts worse the longer I sit so if I'm not up and briskly walking, I'm in pain.My office is a trailer in the middle of essentially what some may consider "nowhere". It's difficult to briskly walk through here without looking like I'm pacing or panicked. I have gas so strong, "uncontrolable" doesn't quite describe it. Seems like I'm using the bathroom everytime I swallow my saliva and theres only one bathroom in here. I'm just over it. Driving over a huge cable bridge every morning and every afternoon to work in a power production plant in the middle of nothing is a little nerve-wrecking some days. Most days I try my best to think I'm driving over a small bridge to work in a flower production plant in the middle of the Virgin Islands and that kinda helps sometimes, but not often enough.
Good news is my craving and mood swings have subsided. I'm still pretty quick to cry over sentimental things but the tears don't randomly flow any more so I'm progressing. Malcolm has been so wonderful in keeping me sane through this. He's always great but dealing with the pregnant me really showed his true life-partner skills lol. Especially the time I said I was going to cut my hair off and he disagreed and told me I would hate it but I did anyway and then I hated it and dramatically cried whenever I saw myself in a mirror. He never rubbed it in my face. He just reminded me I was beautiful either way and I was still the same person whether I had long hair or not. Then I screamed through my snot and tears, "That's bullshit, but thank you anyway!" and we both got a good laugh out of it haha! Aw man, I'm excited to push Zola through the tunnel and have everything fall into place the way it's meant to be so I can stop worrying myself.
Although I am in pain and nervous about pretty much everything around me, the bottom line is this:
Nothing is more beautiful than creating new life and I'm sure everything around me will be beautiful because we're not alone. My husband is a strong, confident father and provider, and we have great family and friends in our circle that will help us through whatever may seem troubling.
90 days left....
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