I was challenged to blog about this pregnancy and was uncertain if I wanted to do it because I've been pretty low-key with my new bundle. She's special to me. So are my other 2 daughters; she's special because I've learned from my other 2 experiences with babies and sharing on the Internet. I've seen friends post every bump and move of their baby and then have complications later on that are both difficult and uncomfortable to share. I don't want that. I wan to show the finished, healthy, happy Zola because she's worth that much to me. I don't put much on the Internet about any of my kids really. Family is something I hold very close to me, especially those who are immediately in my home. I feel like they should have a say in what is shared and "liked" by others. I love my kids and I am more protective than most when it comes to pictures and videos on the Internet. I try to share something once in a blue moon for relatives that don't get to see us much but for the most part, anything on the Internet involving the girls is pretty out-dated.
So, documenting my pregnancy was a bit scary at first but I'm surprised at how therapeutic this has been for me. Whenever I start to feel moody or I feel Zola rolling around in my tummy, I feel compelled to write my thoughts so I can clear my head. If I let my thoughts jumble up and sit still in my brain, I start to cry and feel overwhelmed with an emotion that's best described as a happy sadness. Maybe the irony of how my life is going compared to how I had imagined it to go is getting to me.
I never thought, after 2 babies at such a young age, I would find genuine companionship. I was comfortable with not getting married and not having anymore children and being single. Now, I'm in love and have a true friend by my side through this experience and it's heart breaking in the happiest way possible. I feel like this is my first pregnancy. This is what it's supposed to be like. Malcolm is at every appointment and laughs with me while I wait for hours sometimes to see my OBGYN. He talks to Zola and reminds me when I have my unhealthy, risky cravings that I shouldn't eat certain things. When I laugh, he laughs. When I cry, he laughs...and that usually brings me back to "normal Deena". It feels very surreal to have such a beautiful, stable pregnancy. I think that's why I cry sometimes too. Everything is so overwhelmingly...normal and ideal. That's sad to say but hey, sometimes you have to experience situations from different perspectives to appreciate what you have.
Last night was a good night. My hips are starting to hurt me really badly so now, Malcolm and I take the girls and Cujo to the park after school so they can run around and we get some time to take a walk and talk about our day or bills or whatever. Something about being in the park makes every conversation comfortable and stress-free. Plus I get about 45 minutes of mild exercise accomplished and my hips hurt less. We got home and ate and checked homework, the usual. Right before bed time, Zola started to move around so much, I was a little emotional. I was extremely excited. She's mysterious in that sense. I always feel her but I can tell she wants attention when she moves the way she did last night. I called Tina to come put her hands on my belly and that's when it happened. Tina felt Zola kick, like a positive hard, wild kick for the very first time and I saw her eyes water. The most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen. I even said to her "You look like you're about to cry!" and she said "I am. That's my sister! I never felt that before." I thought wow, Tina. You are my oldest child of 3 now. She's really special to me because she reminds me of my sister, Lizz.
Tina's very protective of the people she loves, especially her little sister, Lizzy. Always giving advice and guidance, even if Lizzy doesn't want to hear it or knows it already lol! They remind me of us. When I think of them getting older together, I hope they all 3 are able to talk and laugh and cry together like me and Lizz are. Being a little sister, and also a big sister, and now a mom to a group of sisters is really humbling. I already know they're going to want to share clothes. I already know what they talk about when I'm not around. I already know what they'll fight about, what they might hide from me. I already know who's going to tell me the truth and who's going to snitch on the other. I've been there and done that and it's funny to be on the other side of the playing field as a parent. Sometimes the things they do make me laugh so hard that I have to take a step back to gather my serious-face so that I can properly discipline them.
I'm excited to meet Zola and I'm even more excited that the girls are ready to welcome her!
So, documenting my pregnancy was a bit scary at first but I'm surprised at how therapeutic this has been for me. Whenever I start to feel moody or I feel Zola rolling around in my tummy, I feel compelled to write my thoughts so I can clear my head. If I let my thoughts jumble up and sit still in my brain, I start to cry and feel overwhelmed with an emotion that's best described as a happy sadness. Maybe the irony of how my life is going compared to how I had imagined it to go is getting to me.
I never thought, after 2 babies at such a young age, I would find genuine companionship. I was comfortable with not getting married and not having anymore children and being single. Now, I'm in love and have a true friend by my side through this experience and it's heart breaking in the happiest way possible. I feel like this is my first pregnancy. This is what it's supposed to be like. Malcolm is at every appointment and laughs with me while I wait for hours sometimes to see my OBGYN. He talks to Zola and reminds me when I have my unhealthy, risky cravings that I shouldn't eat certain things. When I laugh, he laughs. When I cry, he laughs...and that usually brings me back to "normal Deena". It feels very surreal to have such a beautiful, stable pregnancy. I think that's why I cry sometimes too. Everything is so overwhelmingly...normal and ideal. That's sad to say but hey, sometimes you have to experience situations from different perspectives to appreciate what you have.
Last night was a good night. My hips are starting to hurt me really badly so now, Malcolm and I take the girls and Cujo to the park after school so they can run around and we get some time to take a walk and talk about our day or bills or whatever. Something about being in the park makes every conversation comfortable and stress-free. Plus I get about 45 minutes of mild exercise accomplished and my hips hurt less. We got home and ate and checked homework, the usual. Right before bed time, Zola started to move around so much, I was a little emotional. I was extremely excited. She's mysterious in that sense. I always feel her but I can tell she wants attention when she moves the way she did last night. I called Tina to come put her hands on my belly and that's when it happened. Tina felt Zola kick, like a positive hard, wild kick for the very first time and I saw her eyes water. The most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen. I even said to her "You look like you're about to cry!" and she said "I am. That's my sister! I never felt that before." I thought wow, Tina. You are my oldest child of 3 now. She's really special to me because she reminds me of my sister, Lizz.
Tina's very protective of the people she loves, especially her little sister, Lizzy. Always giving advice and guidance, even if Lizzy doesn't want to hear it or knows it already lol! They remind me of us. When I think of them getting older together, I hope they all 3 are able to talk and laugh and cry together like me and Lizz are. Being a little sister, and also a big sister, and now a mom to a group of sisters is really humbling. I already know they're going to want to share clothes. I already know what they talk about when I'm not around. I already know what they'll fight about, what they might hide from me. I already know who's going to tell me the truth and who's going to snitch on the other. I've been there and done that and it's funny to be on the other side of the playing field as a parent. Sometimes the things they do make me laugh so hard that I have to take a step back to gather my serious-face so that I can properly discipline them.
I'm excited to meet Zola and I'm even more excited that the girls are ready to welcome her!
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