i know that i havent been blogging lately...and it has definitely been on purpose believe it or not.i havent been on fB much either.ive just been trying to get everything in order...everything in the "real world" vs the online world i guess?

im not sure where i left off but i kno i had this idea of maybe doing a video of the day but tht only worked for...a day lol.i just found myself running late for things just because i wanted to post up a song,knowing i wouldnt get sny feedback because what do u say to a music video?lol soooo tht idea faded rather fast.i figured i owe it to my readers to blog wen im seriously blogging...not just posting things up because i said i would.id like to say i can post every friday or every week or watever but i dont really know when im gonna evn be on a computer long enough to sit down and type.but a few things have been going on in my life that have me tied up most of the time.its actually getting to be so much tht i ask myself if all of this is even worth it.kind of a "what is the point of this" type of thing.

im still workin at jimmy's and its gotten much better now tht ive gotten to kno my managers well enough to joke with thm.but my hours are rediculous now.i figured it was ok wen i agreed to more hours but i didnt realize how little time i would have for anything else.and im still workin in regency but ive been slacking quite a bit.everything is starting to fall downhill a little actually.i feel like im spreading myself too thin...like waaay too thin.my appetite is gone,my drive is gone,my brain...gone.lol.like its getting hard for me to focus on anything and its costing me more than id like.there are so many other things tht i should be doing right now actually but i find myself so distracted to the point tht i feel like its too much.im supposed to go and see a councilor today and maybe find out some solutions to my stress issues right now.but i think i know the solution already,i just need a second opinion who's not involved.I'm trying to please everyone but myself and I'm doing everything tht i feel would help people approve of me more but its blowing up in my face and now im being called lazy and unmotivated which is not the case...well it is but its not?yes i have been lazy and unmotivated but its not by choice?idk how to explain it.I'm trying to push myself but i feel like i need some kind of separation from something...maybe even from myself?i just don't like feeling so overwhelmed.
and the thing thts frustrating me the most is that i try to talk to people but i feel like wen I'm done talking,nothing will change anyway so whats the point.thts the big question for everything now:WHAT IS THE POINT.is it worth draining myself?is it worth disappointing ppl because i have thoughts and dreams and ideas of my own.is it worth risking the approval of my family?like 90% of everything im involved with at the moment,i strongly dislike.this includes living arrangements,my parenting,my eating habits,income,expenses,my work performance, school...everything.

i want to be myself and do wat i think will work but i dont want ppl looking down on me for it.but if i dont do something soon,everything will collapse eventually anyway...people are expecting me to live an adult lifestyle but forget tht im still only 19.but they expect me to do 19yr old things and forget tht im trying to do too much at once.i wish that my parents read my blogs...i think things would be much easier if there was more communication between the two of thm and myself.or even if there was mor of an effort to work together so i wouldnt have to feel so overworked and they wouldnt feel so unappreciated?hopefully something will come up soon and i can figure out a plan of action...until then,my blog will be on hold...evn tho its been on hold anyway lol.until next time....

-deena